.. the judge ..

" I love you then, I love you now. " 

.. My Point of View ..

.. here we go, i'm keeping my emotion away from people whom i think is selfish. What i meant about selfish here is that this person required people to understand their feeling and sensitivity but the fact they cannot compromise with others.

kalau mau di jabarkan, ingin di mengerti tapi mereka tidak mau mengerti. no vice versa?? how can they socialize ya? That's the first thing that pop up in my head. The more i learn and observe about people, then i understand ... most of the time people around this person will fake it, in other words they will become a pretentious people or they will just be whatever that makes you happy ... what i can conclude all people around this kind of person are fake.

at first i never see it coming, but then i realize .. this how this person treat others. This person pushing people to understand her and know what this person been through. But, this person forget that other people have their own problems and situation. This person is been judgmental over something and react as if this person is an expert of the situation then this person will start analyzing in this person perspective ... no no no. You can't analyze every situation and problem in your own perspective and expect people to accept it. it's now how it works. simple thing with this person will become something that might disappoint this person. Yes i was there to give my ears, but the more i know about the situation from this person side, the more i know how selfish this person is. Why can this person take everything in a positive thought ...? not everything should be in everything we want right?

Example:
I asked simple question, is not that i don't know the answer i'm just trying to be "dumb" and asked about this un-important question to make a conversation ... and this person response it as if i know nothing at all. What on earth ..?? is just a simple topic to start a light conversation to talk about, is not about showing how broader your knowledge is ... as for me, i don't like to be seen as a smart person, it will be a burden. I let people judge me on that ... rather than me shouting about it! Then this person could intentionally judge people over something .. ohh boy!! This person expect a lot from people around this person! This person needs understanding, but this person can not be flexible?? *sigh*

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to confront people, i know that my mouth is so harsh with words. But, i try my very best not to use it to push people to understand me .. i let people around me to be who they are, i will not force them to understand me i let them to be part of my "growing" process.

This person telling everything about me, which i hate it! me is all me, i shared my story to this person because i trust this person .. not for this person to have a press conference and open all of my stories to people that i don't barely know .. i ain't celebrity or superstar, my story are not for public consumption! Luckily i can manage my emotion over this, i don't want to start another argumentation over this.

This person, going through my stuff ... WHAT?! even my own parents and siblings never did that .. we're related in blood but we respect our personal belongings! And this person is like ripping off my personal belonging to other??? Sweet Lord!! I never even touch this person personal belonging, why on earth this person did that to me?? does this person know what "personal belonging" stand for??

I'm so grateful, i can keep my anger away with my adjustable emotion. I still learning to be flexible and being compromise for every situation. and every time i made a conversation it turns out that this person "judge" me with this person perspective. I see that this person can not accept any different opinion, everything has to be in this person perspective, this person can not tolerate any differences over an opinion for everything, is like "I KNOW EVERYTHING WELL ENOUGH!" again *sigh*

luckily i'm not so much a social media person who puts every anger and emotion through status or what ever on social media. I keep all the anger, happy thoughts and sadness in my own space ..

.. judge me ..

.. you think you know me? ..

my view on myself:
i'm down-to-earth and people like me because i'm so straightforward. I'm an efficient problem solver because i will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties

the type of guy that i'm looking for:
i like serious, smart and determined guy. i don't judge a book by it's cover, so good-looking guy aren't necessarily my style. this makes me an attractive person in many people's eyes.

My readiness to commit to a relationship:
I'm ready to commit as soon as i meet the right person. and i believe i will pretty much know as soon as i meet that guy. 

The seriousness of love:
i like to flirt and behave seductively. the opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why i will always have admirers hanging off my arms. but how serious am i about choosing someone to be in a relationship?

my view of education:
you may not like to study but i have many practical ideas. i listen to my own instincts and tend to follow my heart, so i will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for me:
i'm practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. knowing what i like to do is important, find a regular job doing just that and i'll be set for life.

How do i view success:
i'm confident that i will be successful in my chosen career and nothing will stop me from trying.

What am i most afraid of:
i'm concerned about my image and the way others see me. this means that i try very hard to be accepted by other people. it's time for me to believe in who i am, not what i wear.

who is my true self:
i'm full of energy and confidence. I'm un-predictable, with mood changing as quickly as an ocean. i might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

(http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx)

.. solo traveler ..

.. welcoming october!
new spirit new achievement new energy .. i've been energize! last month i made 8 days traveling alone, to get to know myself and hibernate from everything that keep running in my head! At first i felt terrified, but exciting! I can have my own moment to have a conversation between me and myself.

i've been planning this trip since April (if i'm not mistaken).
Saya terbiasa melakukan "perjalanan" bersama teman, entah itu berdua, berempat or bertiga. Even this wasn't my first time going solo, but somehow this was the very first time for me to do solo holiday! In my mind, i do need this to get to know of myself! I've been rude, i've been blunt and sometime i feel that I'm sarcastic towards my words to people ... i need to know why do i do that ..

and i need to know how good i am if i'm alone ... am i really that helpful? am i considerate? am i thoughtful? am i a bad person? do i bring negative aura for everything? am i smart enough with my guts? so many doubt in my head!

i need to clear out those questions from my head, and get to know better of my limit over people! to be honest i'm a bit tired of people around me that try to be "me" ... I feel flattered (for sure) but then i think do they really want to be me?? Why? what is it from me that they think interesting? my hobbies? my interest? or what?

Setiap kata, setiap perbuatan yang saya lakukan komen orang disekitar saya selalu "gw juga gitu..." atau "eh tapi gw juga gitu sih.." what on earth?? am i that good? am i that strong to give people aspiration? *sigh*

Ketika melakukan perjalan itu, saya diantar langsung oleh kedua orang tua saya ke Airport. Sebelum boarding saya sembahyang Maghrib dan Isya di Musholla dekat terminal keberangkatan saya. Selesai sholat saya langsung menuju terminal keberangkatan saya untuk bertolak menuju ke negara yang saya tuju. Tiba di negara tempat transit, langsung cari kado buat "special friend" lalu duduk menunggu untuk masuk ke pesawat yang membawa saya ke negara tujuan!

Tiba di negara tujuan pukul 8pagi, proses imigrasi pengambilan bagasi semua lancar! Hanya saja, dari airport hingga ke station dimana hotel tempat saya menginap hujan tidak berhenti ... menurut orang-orang setempat karena imbas taifun di hari sebelumnya .. tiba di station tempat saya berhenti, kembali di guyur hujan besar, menepi dan berteduh tetapi seketika keinginan untuk BAB tidak bisa dibendung akhirnya menuju kembali ke tempat station dan mencari kamar kecil, selesai itu saya kembali keluar dan masih ditemani hujan deras. Mau tidak mau saya harus membeli payung kecil untuk melindungi kepala dan tas saya dari air yang di curahkan dari langit.

Tiba di hotel, kemudian saya membayar kamar saya dan menitipkan koper saya. Dan saya kembali melanjutkan list perjalanan saya, walopun di temani hujan. Di sinilah moment saya mengenal diri sendiri lebih jauh ... WHO AM I! journey was started!

1. Considerate - ternyata saya cukup mempunyai tenggang rasa yang besar terhadap orang, ketika berpergian bersama orang lain, saya mengesampingkan keinginan saya dan mengikuti kemauan orang lain, walopun kadang hati saya tidak menginginkannya .. tapi saya ikuti. Di keluarga saya di ajarin untuk bisa meredam kemauan diri sendiri dan diajari utk tidak egois. Walaopun kadang (bukan kadang, tetapi lebih sering) apa yang saya inginin tidak tercapai pada akhirnya karena saya mendahulukan kemauan orang lain.
Mungkin ini yang kemudian di lihat orang-orang bahwa kepentingan saya tidak penting buat mereka. Mulai saat ini kemudian saya berbicara pada diri saya "I'm the one who will decide what i want, and what I don't want!"

2. Thoughtful - i tried very hard not to think about itty gritty souvenirs kind of things on this trip. Well, since i can't trust anyone on this (orang-orang yang gw percaya utk tidak membicarakan perjalanan gw ini, end up membuat press con dan membuat seluruh dunia mengetahuinya) dan saya adalah typical orang yang tidak suka membesar-besarkan perjalanan saya! Karena saya PALING BENCI DI TITIPIN!!! (di luar keluarga saya) karena typical orang Indonesia ketika mereka mengatakan "titip ini dong... titip itu dong" they don't give any penny! they don't even generously give pocket money for it! for me, money doesn't matter but their willingness to pay for the souvenirs that they asked does matter for me! Sorry to say, gak sedikit uang yang saya keluarkan untuk semua titipan yang end up they got it for FREE!! bukan bukan karena saya tidak menagih, tetapi lebih kepada malasnya saya ber argumentasi dengan orang yang menjawab "alaahh loe kan gak butuh uang..." or "pelit banget sih, duit loe kan banyak" atau bisa juga "masa kaya gini aja kudu bayar, Sher!" I HATE THOSE STATEMENT!!!! if they knew they don't own that much money, why bother to ask for souvenirs that they can not afford it? as simple as that right?
pada akhirnya, saya memang "senang" memberikan oleh2 kepada orang-orang yang saya anggap penting dalam dunia sosialisasi saya. and I don't asked for any penny on it! i sincerely bought and look for that souvenirs for people i care most.
disini saya berteriak kepada diri sendiri "Don't used me because i'm thoughtful!"

3. Compromise - ternyata saya banyak berkompromi dengan orang-orang disekitar saya. Karena dirumah saya di latih untuk bisa berkompromi dengan segala situasi dengan orang tua, kakak-kakak saya, adik saya dan ponakan2. Ketika orang mengatakan "salah loe, Sher. Harusnya kan kesini..." saya hanya meresponse "oohh iya sih ..." atau "loe gimana sih, Sher! gak bisa baca peta apa loe?" again gw hanya menjawab "masa sih? oohh harusnya kesana ya..." again saya hanya tersenyum pahit dan menertawakan kebodohan saya. atau misalnya ada orang bilang "bego loe, sher. " again saya hanya bisa memaklumi karena saya tetap harus memposisikan diri saya di level yang seharusnya saya berada. dan jujur i like to act like dumber instead playing role as a smart one! Because i know for sure, i'm smarter than them. If not why would they follow me? *again simple analytic*
most of people thought they are smarter than other, they feel like the only person who always got everything right is them! They're WRONG!! in this life there's no right and wrong, everything is a learning process .. and people must learn from the wrong and the right! not by judging other people action with their statement, they never put themselves on others people shoes. How can they judge people if they don't know the feeling to be them?
Jujur,  saya juga suka meng-judge orang dan kadang ngomongin orang tapi saya tidak pernah bilang bahwa "saya yang paling benar" atau "saya better than anyone else" *geleng kepala* tidak, karena dalam keluarga saya diajarkan untuk tidak menertawakan kesalahan orang lain or aib orang. Semua orang punya cacat, semua orang punya catatan, tapi bukan berarti catatan dan cacat itu bisa di jadikan bahan olok-olok.

4. ME AND MYSELF - quality time with your own is the most precious timing! I can be who ever i want to be, i can do whatever i want to do, i can buy everything i want to buy and i can eat whatever i want to eat. I don't need to think about others, i'm focusing on my only needs! it won't hurt anyone to be selfish once in a while ... need to think about our own happiness rather than to keep people happy! ketika kita pengen orang lain senang, apakah orang lain akan memikirkan hal yang sama? banyak orang di sekitar saya yang ingin di mengerti, tetapi mereka kesulitan untuk bisa mengerti orang lain. life doesn't go that way, if you want people to make you happy, first you need to make people around you feel comfortable .. if not they won't make you happy.
if you want people to be nice, then try to be nice with people around you. if you want to be appreciate, try to appreciate people around you. and if you want people to be free-handed ask yourself how generous you are with other?
ketika orang memberikan saya cap "pelit" i don't mind karena saya yang menciptakan hal itu, karena saya lebih prefer di bilang pelit daripada di bilang "picky" karena the truth about me adalah saya sangat pemilih dalam segala hal, makanan, baju, celana, sepatu, tas bahkan hal-hal kecil. I don't like to be control by society that's why i have my own style and character since i was a kid. and i keep that image consistently up till now ... tapi terkadang saya ingin berteriak di depan orang-orang yang berkoar tentang "kepelitan" saya tanpa tahu siapa saya sebenarnya ... HOW CAN YOU DEFINE STINGY IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!

5. Flexible - i'm easygoing. i follow the flow, where the crowd is i'm there. Since i was a kid i'd always be the center of attention, i don't know why. up till now the spotlight is in me! Proud? of course ... everyone knows me by name and by my face! most of the time, i forgot people's name and faces but people will never forget about me! I'm popular ... that's why i want to be invisible, i've been visible for too long.

most of all i value everything that happened in my life. I love being in a crowd, but i need sometime to have a conversation with myself to be better me!

can't wait for my next trip alone!! it will be marvelous!!!!

.. book of happiness ..

.. everyday of our lives we wait.. a lot. is all that all human will do. but live is not waiting for us, so one day my mom told me, you should used those waiting time to write all of your happy moments in your notebook. therefore you'll be happy today and write your own destiny. I guess my mom was right, in fact after a while we forget all about small yesterday and waits for the future one. but, if i could take a little time to write them down i will enjoy my destiny and not wait for it.

BEFORE, i was waiting for my happiness NOW i'm one step ahead. I have it in my hands, let's do things today that makes me happy. do and do not wait for life to happen.
Don't wait, start recording happiness things right this moment. Change your own destiny by memorizing them in your own writing ... you will write your own destiny and it will be good! ..

#changedestiny

.. august rush ..

.. It's been a while, so many things inside my head and mind so many thoughts so many learning but i don't know where to begin. I've got everything "here" - pointing out my head, but i don't know how to express it in writing. 

1. is not ok to not have ambition, because people will take advantage of it. Like what happened to me, is because i don't have any ambitious some people said that i'm not performing well, and because i'm to discipline toward any timetable i have in weekdays and too organize about everything (control freak if you can say) some people said i'm in-discipliner (and i would say "what the f**k") and that person who said that is not even better than me for organizing and discipline terms. I just smiled, no need to confront to need to clarify i know for sure that I'm better than this person. This wasn't the first time though. Perhaps some people got intimidate by me because I'm not ambitious and less considerate with negative comments about me. I don't give any sh*t to those people. 

Learning "to know what you want is not making you ambitious person." 

2. even the closest one will get jealous with your fortune. I can't resist all the luck that i have, I've been blessed being fortunate. Raised by great parents, own a very best siblings, i come from a family with good background that teach me lots of good attitude and how to treat others and being considerate. I can't blame myself because of that .. I never blamed anyone for who i am today. Even people don't say it in front of me i can sense it from their voice tone, and the reaction. I read expression (because i'm to expressive so i know when i hate things, like things or feel envy). Please don't blame me because i was born to be fortunate. 

Learning "grateful for every piece you have."

.. i still got more learning but i guess those things are not appropriate to be put in here. I might hurt some people feeling. But, what i learn most is "Is hard to keep sincere people in your life, even the one you thought you know them so well." because even the closest one can take an advantage of you. I should be more sensitive on this. most of people turn out to "used" me for their own advantage after they get what they want from me, they will abandoned me as if "i'm done with you" for me is rude, but well again I need to be compromise right? as long as I'm not the one who did that. 

Still wish i am who i am and still i am ..

.. ape ..

.. it's been awhile i didn't put any thought about the movie i watched. sometime i just feel that i saw myself on that movie itself and take some learning from it .. i mean of course the good point.
i may not be a good judgement on movies i watched, i don't even remember the cast, all i'm saying i like to watch movie that i want to watch no need to analyze no need to judge just enjoy the show.

yesterday, i watched the movie call DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES yes i've been watching this series at the theater. Somehow, i do learn something from the ape on the movie.

Koba: Apes not kill apes

in fact, Koba was the one who betrayed Caesar and tried to kill him and take the lead of all apes. Interesting ... then Caesar said "I thought Apes are better than human, we don't like war. But, I was wrong, apes start the war it mean we're no different from human."
i recall to some conversation that i had with friends, as human we have a tendency to compete with each other, hatred is inside us (no one can deny this), grudge, betrayal, fight with each other, and i don't know how many more that human can do .. just like Caesar and Koba, Caesar released Koba from human and starting a new apes that is lead by Caesar along the way Caesar and Koba have different perspective about human, Caesar was raised by human, meanwhile Koba life with all human jobs, his face, his body, he's been living in a lab where all the study about apes and medicine are inside him. So, Caesar still own what we call common sense and thinking, while Koba he only has enmity over human.
Because of the enmity that Koba has inside him, he even have the heart to kill Caesar his own friend where Caesar treat Koba as his own brother! Only for his own satisfaction ... HIS OWN FRIEND!! the one who saved him back then!!!

It also happen in human, many people will do the same thing! For their own satisfaction they will do anything even hurting their own friend! Can we say they're close? can we say they're best friend if they did that? Trust is all matters in friendship right? Even ape like Caesar won't do any harm even his own race.

Lucky me i'm human that have been raised well enough by the great parents.

.. election ..

.. pemilu kali ini lain dari biasanya! Semua orang antusias semua orang bersuka cita. Tapi dari PEMILU kali ini semuanya udah kelewat batas! karena semua orang udah gak memakai akal sehat mereka. 2 calon ini sukses menyebarkan kebencian di seluruh Indonesia, timses mereka sukses mengadu domba masyarakat untuk saling membenci, mencela, mencaci maki dan memfitnah.
Dari kedua calon ini, kita di ajari untuk meng expose aib dari masing masing orang yang menghalangi. Kalau mau menggunakan common sense, masa iya sih seorang Presiden Indonesia punya aib? Masa iya kita rakyat Indonesia mau di pimpin oleh seorang pemimpin gak kertas hidupnya penuh tinta merah?

Saya tidak pernah tertarik membicarakan politik, apalagi di rumah karena biar sepintar apapun saya membicarakan politik di rumah saya gak pernah menang melawan Ibu dan Bapak saya walhasil bisa-bisa saya gak boleh menginjakkan kaki saya di rumah orang tua .. ya itu dia didikan orang tua saya mereka masih menganggap saya anak "sekolah" yang belum cukup umur utk menyuarakan pemikiran saya mengenai politik negara. Makanya saya lebih prefer membicarakan hal yang general sama kedua orang tua saya, seperti gosip artis ataupun cerita cerita tentang keluarga besar atau cerita tentang kakak-kakak saya maupun keponakan.

Tapi sekarang PEMILU ini mulai mengganggu saya, karena tidak ada hujan tidak ada angin, sudah 5 hari saya mendadak di diemin sama ayah dan ibu saya seolah saya melakukan kesalahan besar hingga menyebabkan damage dalam keluarga. Padahal saya tidak pernah membicarakan mengenai pilihan saya kepada mereka, dan saya tidak pernah mengutarakan keberatan saya atas kedua kandidat tersebut. Hanya karena BBG yang mengolok-ngolok calon juara Ibu saya, saya harus menanggung "kemarahan" ibu saya. Dan sepertinya Ibu saya tidak bisa menerima olok-olok tersebut dengan pikiran terbuka, beliau menelan bulat bulat olok-olok tersebut. Padahal kami  hanya sekedar beropini dalam canda, tidak bermaksud menyinggung siapapun di BBG itu.

Kalau sudah begini saya harus minta pertanggung jawaban ke sapa? Jokowi? atau Prabowo yang sudah sukses memecah belah rakyat Indonesia? Sampe ada quick count dengan sumber yang berbeda? bukan bukan karena masing masing tidak mau mengaku kalah or masing-masing claim kemenangan mereka bukan bukan itu ... tapi jika memang maksud mereka adalah menjadi Presiden Indonesia ke 7 dan bisa menyatukan rakyat Indonesia hal ini tidak akan terjadi ... semua saling dendam, semua saling mencaci, menyebar berita fitnah, menjelek-jelekkan satu sama lain .. mana bentuk keadilan sosial dari sila ke 5 Pancasila. Saya sebagai warga negara berhak untuk tahu kenapa perpecahan itu ada semenjak adanya pencalonan Jokowi dan Prabowo? Bukannya harusnya semua dilakukan dengan damai seperti pemilu 5 tahun lalu (SBY-Boediono) .

ini sudah kelewat batas, masing-masing timses tidak tau apa yang benar dan apa yang salah masing-masing punya cara sendiri untuk menang untuk membalas dendam masa lalu mereka. Entah sapa yang tersakiti siapa yang ter zholimi sehingga mereka mengguna bangsa indonesia sebagai wacana pembalasan sakit hati mereka.

Saya gak muluk-muluk saya hanya minta kembalikan Ibu saya yang dulu, yang bisa saya ajak bercanda di akhir pekan dan ngobrol tentang gosip celebrity dan mendengarkan celotehan anak pembantu kami dirumah dan tertawa bersama. Saya mau ibu saya yang dulu tanpa ada embel-embel dia terlalu fanatik sama salah satu calon sehingga membuat beliau menjadi tegang bila dirumah, dan semua serba salah di matanya ...

Siapapun presiden RI nantinya saya hanya minta Ibu saya kembali seperti dulu, dan bisa berkomunikasi dengan tenang bersama saya di akhir pekan itu saja. Is it to much to ask?

.. others ..

.. it happens a lot. Especially to people around me .. well, to me as well. Sometime i did something that people might hate it, in return they will (well un-purpose) do the same thing and i just know how it feel ...

Example! I don't know why, i often end up being "used" by my own friend i never know do they do it intentionally or un-intentionally. it sometime pissed me off, but i keep it in silence. I'm a person who avoid any drama of confrontation. they texted me and asked where i am, i answered the text by saying where i am and what i'm going to do .. then they initiate to join, with assumption i have to pick one up. (this part i don't mind) .. after i'm on my way to pick one up .. suddenly the text appear "can you pick me at my office lobby?" WHAT?! i told to that person "why don't i meet you at bus stop across your office??

Then we met, when the one get on my vehicle this person start to play with it phone? do i look like a taxi driver to you?? if you're my parents who's doing it i'm ok .. but, this person doesn't even have any contribution on this car .. that's just rude!! treating the owner of the car like taxi driver ... for me is un-polite! I don't even ask to share a gasoline with this person, how could this person do this! Then we continue to our next destination, i tried to be polite by having some conversation ... but it turns out this person can't get off from it's cell phone .. MY GODNESS!! it seems this person is the only one who own smartphone! Blaaaahhh ....

That moment, i made promise to myself, if this person ask me to hang out with the one, i will try to find some excuse not to be near this person. I'm not trying to make any drama, but i have my reason why i don't like people to treat me like that! I tried not to treat people like rubbish .. for me my smartphone is not my everything, real conversation is more meaningful for me rather than keeping your eyes on your display! What's on display is fake, real person is real one!

Question to myself .. can i treat them like they treat me??

.. selfishly ..

.. dapat mainan baru itu rasanya excited banget! ketemu orang baru, dengan karakter baru. Another observation time .. not to read about their character but more into challenge my capability in adapting with people.
Honestly i find myself a bit hard to adjust to new people. Somehow, between my brain and my mouth they will act differently. Jadi sebagian orang melihat gw seperti orang yang skeptis or sarcastic .. well, none of people that knows me told me that I'm judes sih .. they said i'm more into harsh using my words.

*sigh* actually i didn't have any intention to use those words or throw that things to people, i'm just trying to be me! I mean i say what i want it to say .. i'm not good in faking and i can't use any sweet words to please people .. as matter of fact i can't please people .. i can't even please my parents, so how can i please people?

I treat people the same way i treat my family .. well, if my family got special service from me, i have blood connection with them. I've been tied to them 'till death (do us part) .. Karena perlakuan ini gw terapin dari semenjak gw kecil, how i treat people is been there all along. I mean this is me, this is who I am .. nothing change. Well, i make some adjustment along the way (since, i'm getting older right?) try to be more mature and wiser to all my actions.

Hipotesa yang bisa gw tarik adalah, actions do reflect to who you are! dan those attitude can't hide from which level you're coming from .. dan itu beneran tercermin dari how people treat you and who you are in the past .. jadi misalnya waktu dulu jaman sekolah (SD, SMP, SMA sampe kuliah) kalian di treat as if you're no body ... than you will become a**hole in the present. Karena you're looking for an acceptance that "NOW, I'm somebody!" oh well, if in the past you're no body and you're become a bitch in the future .. for me those people still NO ONE!! karena buat gw, if you have problem with your attitude meaning you're a mess in the future .. as simple as that.

I've been raised well enough by my parents, have lots of learning from them. life experience and also self healing from them. They taught me to be a person with attitude and manner, they never stop remind me to be a better person for people ...

So, in all for me is better to be who am i in front of people rather than to be somebody that i'm to please people.

for me .. personal ambition or personal existence it has nothing to do with other people. that's your problem with yourself .. not with other. to achieve your personal ambition and existence you don't need to hurt people especially if that person is your friend! it just rude ...  i mean, i couldn't even think how can you hurt your own friend?? eehhmm ...

.. signing out ..

.. finally i'm going to continue my journey!
excited to welcoming new HELLO new challenge and new adventure! ..

.. limited ..

.. i had enough, now i know i have my own limit. i've been drown to my lowest level. i keep my silence not because i don't want to fight is because why would i fight people who's not in my lever of intelligence? such a waste!

from the first i knew it, there never a plan for me, there's nothing that one can do to improve me as one employee. why would i shout and confront if i know exactly there's no written plan for me in the first place? i'm the one who choose to be part of this what they called "games" .. screw!!

i once confront, but the answer .. it didn't even close to what i have in mind as a leader! NONE! i mean what asked and what one answered is not even close! oh well .. i can blame one intelligence on this thou .. i know exactly where did i stand right? but, lucky me i've been raised well by the great family and i've been surrounded by the best people around me .. 

God knows i may not be a good person, i may not be a good employee but God give me a chance to be appreciate by others .. and I thank God because of this! Hope it will went well through everything!

.. -1 ..

.. another year has passed, i'm still enjoying they way i enjoy my life today! they all wonderful. having a moment of understanding that not everything have to be exactly as what i wanted to be. i learn to be flexible, i learn to be acceptable, and i learn to be more considerate toward people around me.

i'm not good for sure, but i tried my best to be good. especially for all people around me. even some of them might to harmful thing to me, a few of them even used me, i feel pissed of course but then i smiled because they grew me as who i am today.

I've been raised well by my parents, i'm surrounding by lovable siblings and others families member, feel blessed can't asked for more. i'm fortunate, i'm wealthy, i can get everything i want it ... nothing less!

God is been to me! well , so good indeed! i've been blessed, i've been love, i'm so grateful! i keep this smile, i keep this hope, and i keep all of my will! of course i have dreams, i have lines up of dreams ... i cross check everything one by one have been done! i'm so grateful for who i am today!

thank you for another year that has been taken from me this year!

.. nothing less ..

.. forbearance ..

.. don't know how to say this. i'm a bit surprised on how i handle my temper now a days. i used to be an impulsive person with words, i never have second thought of saying the things that i wanted to say. i don't even give any thought about how people might feel toward my words.

take a deep breathe, in hale exhale. i shall pass this anger inside me. no need to give any harsh words nor offended words from my mouth. even though i really need to relieve all the emotion inside me, all the nasty words already inside my head ready to blow, but i remembered what my parents told me .. let people hurt you with their words, but never tempted to hurt people by your words. let people hurt you with their action, but never make any action that could hurt other people. remember what goes around comes around, if it might hurt you then don't consider to do it to other.

even i'm loosing my patience toward anyone or someone around me, i have my own way to calm myself down. i'm not good in words, i'm not good in gesture and also i don't make any good body gesture to people. that's why i often enjoying myself with my own thought with my own interest. not allowing anyone to know that i'm enjoying my moment .. i can be ignorance and less considerate sometimes, is how i avoid any confrontation and rage inside of me.

i know my limit, if i hate people i can hate that people with no reasons, and i don't like it when i have that hate inside of me to someone. with those bad words, and words behind my back i take it as a compliments to myself that i still have people around me that care, they spare their time to talk about me instead talking over something that is more important than me. i manage to get into their head and be their attention.

God bless me for being a person that people hate and love .. they hate me but they still talking about me behind my back .. is the feeling when you're become a celebrity :)

.. friendly banking ..

.. dilemma and a bit feel used by some people. i feel grateful that most of people think i'm fortunate in every way. even thou i'm not into classy branded nor expensive stuff. i'm more into loyal person toward the brand that used.
Yes, i do have some branded stuff, but i wear it occasionally and i'm not wearing it to the office. i have my reason on that .. my parents never teach me to be expose by brand, and never let people judge you by the brand or things that you wear. let them see who you are by being the true you!
rather than that, for some reason i manage my financial well .. i'm not saying very well, because in some part i still have lack of financial management on this. why i'm saying that i still have lack of financial management, because up till now i don't how to do mortgage and i don't know how to do installment. honestly i have no idea the process and how to make one! Well, because my parents often told me why would you buy something that you cannot afford it.

at first i feel good, some of my friends look for me whenever they need to borrow some money. second time, i still feel good and blessed because i'm lucky comparing to them ... but then when the time they need to return the money that they borrow there's some delay. at first (again) i feel it's ok, perhaps they forgot or they still have money to return it. a week, 3 weeks and it's almost 2 months. tried to ask politely why it took them so long to return they money that they borrow? the answer can i settle my debt by installment? *sigh* i'm not the person who like to chase people for the responsibility that supposed to be them. Borrowing money and keeping promise to return it is their responsibility .. they don't need anyone to remind them to return the money that they borrow right?

Don't they feel anxious to have debt to other person? don't they feel sorry they still have debt to other people, and still manage their "classy" life style? I don't know how to put it. But, yet i feel really pissed because of this ... i earn that money, i manage my saving, i even still have my piggy bank at home for my weekly saving .. not to stay classy for people to see how fortunate i am, but more into i like to manage my financial. i still have my financial agenda for my daily expense ... i have it since i was in elementary school. I keep track to all my expense from time to time.

i have my moment when i want to be classy .. i do shop, and most of my things are branded not cheap one, but i still can manage my expense without borrowing any money from anyone. I value every penny that i earn and i save ... if i feel pissed now because people who borrow money from me can not value the money, and i don't know why. is it because they don't earn it? or because they got it from someone that lend them their money?

I never take any advantage from people who borrow my money, i don't even bother them with my reminder to return my money in such a timing that i want. all i want is to value me as a person as their friend not their friendly bank that could give them money anytime they want. i don't want to claim myself as a generous person ... but i feel used by my own friend because of that! and i don't like it ...

i have some friend that often asked for gift whenever i'm traveling, some of them asked me to buy things they want .. and i'm not taking any penny from them. not because i want people to see me as a generous person, but more into i value the friendship between us, but it turns out they don't value me as their friend in fact they taking me for granted. and now slowly i'm becoming a person that is very stingy for every little thing. and i hate to be one of that person!

and most of the time, people who borrow money from me they tend to be more snob comparing to me ... *sad* i force myself to say no to people who will borrow money from me .. but i don't have a heart because they're my friend. we should help people in need right? but then i asked myself... what is the definition of in need if they have expensive life style comparing to me? can i say that they're in need? but they still can afford to eat at fine dining restaurant, hang out in some cafe, going to the mall almost everyday ... is even makes more sad because i feel stupid, my own friend making used of me ...

shall i become one of them, and say i don't have extra money for people to borrow? can i be that strict on this? or can i teach them how to value their financial thing and start to value their friendship without seeing that i can provide them extra money whenever they need?

.. treasure ..

.. treasure, that is what you are. honey, you're my golden star. I know you could make my wish come true.

You're everything I see in my dreams. I wouldn't say that to you if it wasn't true ..

.. creationist ..

.. my memory is bad, so I always tend to forget how it goes.. but, life is my creation, is my best friend. Imagination is my defense, and i'll keep walking when skies are grey whatever happens was meant that way.

You're no better or no worse than the others. We are all the same and life is just a moment you might as well enjoy this day. It's time to start believing that everything you want is on it's way ..

- Kerli - creationist - 

.. blind ..

conversation with a friend. i know i'm not the right person to judge or giving my opinion. because i'm not expert ... what i can give is a blunt statement.

me: let me ask you this ... does he pick you up? at home? at the office?
her: no .. we met somewhere, why would he come to my office?
me: well, what i can say this man is a bastard! that's for sure. sorry for that ... but i can tell he's a player thou ...
her: how could you have that judgement, you don't even know him!
me: oohh c'mon ... don't get carried away with your own feeling over this man. love is blind i know it for sure! but, you need to understand the situation that you're dealing here. don't put those denial and defensive form over your feeling for this man! it won't make him change his mind! he's not in to you ... i can tell!
her: you're so rude! how could you ... the signs is there, he has feeling for me, it just that he got this issue that he needs to take care before making any commitment with me ... you don't know him! from the very start i'm talking about him you already hate him! you're so cynical when i told you about this man!
me: i'm not being rude! i'm just putting myself into his shoes. i'm surrounded  by all male friends, and for them there's no mixed messages. if he likes you, you can tell by his action ... i can't tell you how, but you just know it! trust me ... i just don't want to see you get disappointed by your own expectation! females have thousands answers for their doubts and most of it is all what they want to hear ... c'mon it only happens in the movies!
her: but you don't know him! how can you tell that he is a jerk without knowing him!! -- my friend already get pissed by my statement 
me: you told me everything about him ... i don't need to know him to know that he's a jerk! i can tell ... based on your story. Now, answer my questions ... and be honest, don't try to defend him it's between us! even thou i know that most of your answer will be no .. but let me ask you the simplest question to defend my statement over him .. how's that?
her: *sigh* ... ask me. I can proof you wrong!
me: does he ever called you? or he just communicate with you through text by whatsapp or bbm?
her: well, most of the time is whatsapp ...
me: *nodding* i bet he's to busy to dial your number right? *nodding again*
       does he look for you when you got missing? 
her: i look for him ... i texted him.
me: does he ever pick you up at your home?
her: i don't want my parents to ask about him ... so we meet at the place at somewhere.
me: well, he is your friend right? is not that your parents going to ask him to marry you right away, they should know with who you hang out with right? any girls would love to have a man pick her up at home... am i right?
her: for me .. at this stage i don't want him to pick me up at home.
me: whose paying for your dinner or lunch date?
her: we share ...
me: *nodding again* does he wait for you?
her: i wait for him, he's the one who always work late
me: does he ever over you a ride home?
her: i'm driving my own car, and he's taking a taxi
me: he can drive you home first, and get a taxi from your place right? 
her: *silence...*
me: for me is clear enough! i'm stick in to my gun ... he's a bastard! 
her: *silence and continue drinking her green tea latte*

is all clear! men are simple, they don't know the definition of mixed messages. if they want it they will make it happens! as simple as that! don't ruin your life with some jerk who tried to play with your feeling and making you an option! you should ask yourself "what's in it for you" ... i'm not saying all men are bastard some men are born to be shy, but when men like you, you can tell right away by experience his action to you! respect yourself ... be gentle with your feeling, don't lower down your pride to win over your feeling

you deserve better man to treat you as a lady not an option!

.. the accidental ..

here go another year with no resolution! I'm not a kind of person with resolution. Going with the flow is more like it, i'd always love how the water flow works. they don't have any plan where to stop nor have any clues which direction they will heading.

for some reason i'm a bit scared about what might awaits me ahead, but "scared" is the other words to keep your life more colorful right? if you know what might you see ahead you will loose all the fun in your life! The truth, i like (well ... honestly) i love fortune teller, and how they read the future through their tarots card, palm reader or their aura reading it was fun .. but that wasn't for something that will stick on my head. Deep down inside i do believe everything was written long time ago when i was born by our Creator ... GOD!

God already have plans for every human being that One made, for sure! as for now, in 2013 i experienced many things. The ego of me by being a good friend for someone, the things that i shouldn't hear but i heard eventually, being demotivated by my own supervisor, being told "overrated" behind my back through mails that i weren't supposed to read but i read, being said that i'm lack of performance and indiscipline with my approved leave by the HRD that didn't know about the history ... is all personal! Well, i'm laughing .. because all those drama were making my life more colorful ... all the roller coaster ride is there ... oohh how i love dealing with those kind of people! They're bad, but you need to meet those bad people to know what kind of person are you!

2013 was blessed, i met many bad people .. with their bad attitudes, their snobbish characters, who can't accept person who is more than me. As a person i'm irritating and annoyed .. i've been raised and taught by the great parents ... i know how to react and i know how to manage my attitude.

God is been good to me all the time. I always heard the things that I shouldn't know, because I know God's wants me to accept those things with "maturity" in me. While I'm listening to those things .. i smiled, and be grateful i'm still "someone" to somebody ... they talked about me behind my back, I don't need to be a celebrity to be talk behind my back right? those hatred is giving me a good reason to be better person ... I'm bless that someone hates me, because they're dying to be me!

I don't have many friends, but i do have some qualified people around me, not much but the numbers is just perfect for me! I don't need many people to be around me with the fake smile, fake laugh, or fake sympathy in front of me... i just need a few sincere people that could give me "harsh" words when i need it, and tough scold when i want it! I'm blunt and straight forward who can stand with my attitude that way ...

Let's have rolling 2014 ... let's start roller coaster ride this year!!!