.. keeper ..

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for the one available.
Best to wait for the one you love than one who's around.
Best to wait for the right one because life's too short to be wasted on just someone.

"An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.

Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other?

What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

What keeps a relationship strong?
* communication
* intimacy
* a sense of humor
* sharing household tasks
* some getaway time without business or children
* daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a
note)
* sharing common goals and interests
* giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure
* giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment (and stick to it!)

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion.
"As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful."

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

.. beautiful liar ..

Nobody likes being played

I know things about 'em that you wouldn't wanna read about
Beautiful Liar, tell me how you tolerate the things that you just found out about

You never know why are we the ones who suffer
I have to let go he won't be the one to cry

Let's not kill the karma
Let's not start a fight
It's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
Can't we laugh about it
It's not worth our time
We can live without 'em
Just a beautiful liar

I trusted him, but when I followed you, I saw you together I didn't know about you then 'till I saw you with her
I walked in on your love scene, slow dancing
You stole everything, how can you say I did you wrong .. how come?

You never know when the pain and heartbreak's over
I have to let go the innocence is gone

Tell me how to forgive you when it's me who's ashamed and I wish could free you
Of the hurt and the pain; But the answer is simple he's the one to blame

(Beyonce Knowles)

.. single ladies ..

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream
I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream

To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight

I need your break when nobody is around
'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness
I think I'm drowning, I can't be lonely

(Scared of Lonely - Beyonce Knowles)

.. sham ..

" A friend once told me, a relationship without honesty would not enjoy freedom. It would eventually sour. "

" Overcome of your misgiving and you'll experience openness and freedom. "

" There's a broad definition for honesty and lie, it just has to be understood by a single meaning. "

Thing have started changing, but I don't want to think about it. I just want to cherish this moment. Even though friendship is already abandoned by a girl.

.. battlefield ..

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field
One word turns into a
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
Why does love always feel like ...
this

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had,
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again

I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

You better go and get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like

A battlefield

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know What we're fighting for

.. vicinity ..

" I hate to see you like this. "
" Gw gpp kok, get used with this kind of feeling. "

Sahabat yang selalu ada, dan datang di saat yang emang tepat. Teman kecil yang datang dan pergi, selalu datang di saat gw gak pernah berharap dia akan datang. Lalu, dia akan pergi ketika gw sendiri gak tau kapan dia pamitan.

" Inget gak waktu gw baru putus sama cewek gw? Yang gw impulsively pergi ke Bandung dan pas sampe Cipularang km 55 gw gak bisa nyetir lagi? "
" Iya tuh .. makanya gw setiap lewat cipularang km 55 itu kaya dejavu gitu, yang gw di anterin ke sana itu kan? "
" Padahal waktu itu loe lagi pacaran kan? "
" Hahaha "

Gw tertawa lepas ketika itu, rasanya udah lama banget gw gak bisa tertawa lepas di depan orang-orang. Tertawa bisa gw lakukan, tetapi tidak selepas sekarang.

" You always spare your time for most of your friends. No matter what no matter how, you're always there; your presence is very comforting for all of your friends. "
" No lah .. Gw hanya berusaha menjadi orang baik utk orang yang baik juga dalam hidup gw. You know my motto kan? What goes around comes around. "
" Tapi sekarang ini, kebanyakan orang-orang di sekitar loe memanfaatkan kebaikan yang sudah loe perlihatkan, they abused your kindness. "
" Gw gak merasa di abuse kok, ya kadang kan ekspektasi orang gak bisa kita kendalikan. Is beyond our capacity to control others people mind. "
" Tapi kan setidak orang-orang baru disekitar loe bisa melihat dan bisa membaca, kalo loe bukan type teman yang opportunist. "
" Hahaha " tertawa getir yang keluar dari mulut gw.

Orang ini yang selalu memberikan masukan pedas dan sinis setiap kali dia muncul di depan gw. Sosok ini yang selalu "menampar" gw tanpa di minta, dia yang gak pernah cape "menendang" gw ketika gw sudah malas melangkah, dan "menarik" gw ketika gw tertidur di setiap effort yang gw lakuin di hidup gw.

" Ya kalo orang mau jahat sama gw, ya biarin aja. Artinya emang dari awal dia main sama gw kan udah ada niat jahat? Nah, kalo niatan itu udah ada masa iya bisa gw baca dari awal sih? "
" Ya gak gitu juga, loe harus lebih sensitif melihat sisi opportunist orang dong. Jangan naive melihat segala sesuatu dari kacamata positif. "
" Duuhh.. hidup itu kan ya udah banyak masalah dan konflik, kalo masih harus mikir negatif sama semua yang main sama gw, hidup gw tersiksa banget gak? "
" Gak harus negatif tp waspada sama sekeliling. Loe kadang suka gak bisa ngebaca itu. "
" Ya kan dari sekian banyak orang yang main sama gw, paling hanya satu dua orang yang opportunist kan? Nah, ntaran juga akan keliatan kok mana yang bisa gw keep dan mana yang harus gw ditch dari lingkungan gw kan? "
" Lucky you, you have that sense. "
" Bukan gitu, bukan sixth sense yang gw punya, tp gw yakin Tuhan gak mau gw di kelilingi orang-orang jahat. "
" Agreed! "

As for me .. Good people, bad people they all my friends! I do believe even bad people still got the good in them, because God create Good People not bad people in this world. The things that turned them to be a bad people because of the pressure, experience, and also the incidents that happened in their life!

I'm not blaming anyone who treat me bad, I just keep the pray the good in them will bring them back to be a good people. People do change, so am I!

.. banter ..

BG: You've fallen for him.

SB: I know .. I realized it a long time ago. I also realized the truth, but I refused to face reality.

BG: Why don't you counter him for what he did to you? Breaking his promises, used you and betraying for his own sake?

SB: Well, I always know that love is selfish. When I worked so hard for him, he feel pain too.But, I'm not going to blame anyone for this matters. In fact, I should thankful to that girls, if that girls hadn't spurred me on and given me a chance to work hard for him, perhaps I won't accepted my fate, show my calmness and give up.

BG: But, you've been improving to show that you care.

SB: There's only one thing that could win him over, and that thing I can't do. I won't do it for any reasons.

BG: You are what you are. That's what we like from you, no matter what you still keep that value in you!

SB: It's because I have such a friend like you guys! Thank you, guys!

(UnderGround SUSHI - April, 27th: 19.25wib - 21.40wib)

.. falling ..

Feels like my life's been passing by
With happiness just being a lie
How did I get here, where am I going?
One more day without knowing
Struggling for one more breath
As I'm drowning in a painful death
Can someone reach out for me?
In this dark and dreary sea

'Cause it seems like no one can
Hear the voice that's calling
Try to take the most I can stand
But I keep falling

I try to chase the memories away
But they haunt me everyday
I hope I get over this phase
'Cause I'm stuck inside this haze
All I need is a simple lift
Such a sweet and precious gift
So I don't lose it all before
What I have left is nothing more

In my isolating misery
I feel like the epitome
Of darkness and despair
Just leading onto nowhere
Will I be able to win this race?
I'm running at a slow pace
Trying hard to press on
But the motivation's gone

It may not have to be this way
Waiting for me they could be a new day
Maybe I can revise
And escape from the lies

There could be something more
To what my life may have in store
I'll move from where I began
Keep on pressing through to the end

.. lie ..

You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know ... I'm ok with this silence
It's truth that i don't want to hear.

You're hiding regret in your smile
There's a storm in your eyes that's been passing for awhile
Hold on with all the lies and fake stories for tonight
Don't say a word
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.

So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
I'll make it through
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
Look me in the eye
And if you dare lie to me.

I know that there's no turning back.
If we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks.
Let's stay in the dark if you want too.
Don't want to know I'm ok with the silence.
It's truth that i don't want to hear.

Now look me in the eye .. and LIE!

Don't want to believe in this ending
Let the cameras roll on
Keep pretending
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away.

So lie to me by looking me in the eye
Why lie..lie...lie..

I've been dealing with those lies all the time
So, why bother with those lies again ..
But this time lie to me by looking straight in my eyes!

.. conversation ..

DA: Now I asked you .. how far would you go to keep those secrets inside of you? You know exactly, behind the mystery lies a truth that will make you question everything you know.

Me: It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I know. The hurts are still hurt.

DA: In what way you define hurt in you?

Me: I'm not hurt. I'm not broken of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Hurt will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. I will be the only angel that everyone need. Perhaps I will leave life even more beautiful than when I entered it. Heaven will take me back and look at me and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."

DA: I'm glad I still could hear those statement from you. Have you spoke to him?

Me: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to him.

DA: Why not?

Me: What I feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what I do. If people like me don't learn from what happened to people, then what the hell is the point of anything?

DA: Gosh...you're definitely to good for a man like him, dude!

Me: No..no...Not to good for a man like him, but I'm a better person because of him.

DA: Holly cow! It's such a pleasure to know a person like you in my life!

Me: And I'm glad we're friend!

(Pacific Place, Kenny Rogers: 20:12 - 22:45wib)

.. ikhlas ..

Berdebatan masih menjadi menu utama dalam hati gw selama hampir 2 bulan ini. Ini itu..ini itu. Gw sampe gak tau harus bagaimana lagi melawan semua suara-suara yang ada didalam diri gw.

Gw benci kalo harus membicarakan mengenai "feeling" gw. Dan gw juga benci jika orang bertanya mengenai "relationship" gw sama siapapun yang ada disekitar gw. Iyalah, gw tau gw cewek dan cewek biasanya (seharusnya) menjadi sangat emosional dan sensitif mengenai perasaan mereka, while I'm not. I'm extra ordinary girl. Karena gw bukan type cewek yang suka menanyakan "Terus ini sekarang hubungan kita gimana?" kepada lelaki yang "dekat" sama gw, atau "Sebetulnya loe gimana sih sama gw?". Eeewww .... harusnya kan semua itu bisa berjalan dengan sangat mudah dan nyata kan? Kalo emang di biarkan mengalir begitu saja.

Tapi tunggu, setelah banyaknya perdebatan yang ada dalam diri gw, berusaha untuk berkomunikasi dengan diri sendiri selama hampir 2 bulan ini, bicara dan memaksa diri gw utk kembali menganalisa lebih dalam lagi gw baru tau. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. I'm old enough to experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. Not to mentioned my personal one, it was hurt and very traumatic. I even still remember the detail of it.

I know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has ben, if we are still out there "dating", always an end up to the relationship. And the ending always SUCK! Well we do all aware of the statement "There's always something happen on the way to heaven" isn't it?

Jadi, kadang gw melihat banyak teman-teman cewek gw yang mempunyai strategi sendiri atau trik-trik mereka atau distractions to try to not notice that they might in fact be getting into relationship. Sekarang kalo gw bertanya pada diri sendiri "Apakah gw mau jadi wanita "insane" yang merong-rong lelaki untuk mengetahui dengan pasti ada apa sih sebenarnya antara kita pada saat pertama kali gw bertemu dengan pria?" GILA!! Gw gak mau jadi orang sinting itu ... I still have my pride to carry on!

Gw masih pengen jadi cewek yang enak buat di ajak hang out, enak buat diajak ngobrol dan curhat, enak buat di ajak garing-garingan, dan enak buat diajak beraktifitas. Dan itu adalah gw yang sebenar-benarnya. Tapi permasalahannya adalah gw masih bisa ngerasain "sakit" bisa ngerasain "kecewa", dan gw masih bisa bereaksi dengan bagaimana gw di perlakukan. Gw masih berharap dia mencari gw, menelepon gw, mengirimkan sms ke gw, gw masih juga berharap bahwa dia masih mau bertemu gw, hang out sama gw dan bertanya apakah dia juga excited bertemu gw? Dan tau gak rasanya itu I HATE THAT!

Mungkin itu hanya gw kali yaa, karena sekarang prioritas gw sudah berubah karena bertambahnya usia, sekarang gw gak mau hanya "jalan" saja sama lelaki yang dekat dengan gw atau "hangout" sama seseorang supaya terlihat bahwa gw gak sendiri-sendiri amat kok (walopun sebagian besar teman-teman gw lelaki), gw juga gak mau mengeluarkan banyak energi untuk mengekspresikan perasaan gw sehingga gw terlihat tidak terlalu terlibat dengan perasaan gw sendiri. Gw pengen terlibat di dalamnya, gw pengen dengan orang yang bener-bener bisa menghargai gw karena gw adalah gw dengan orang yang trustworthy dan honorable dan sayang sama gw. Bukan hanya orang yang berbasa-basi untuk menjadi egois dengan gw agar mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, ya mungkin pertamanya gw akan merasa "cautious" dengan berapa banyak yang sudah gw berikan, tetapi "pemberian" yang gw kasih itu nantinya jangan juga membuat mereka jadi merasa lebih "comfortable" sama gw: tapi seharusnya dan sudah sepantasnya gw tau bahwa gw emang delicate, valuable creature yang emang harus hati-hati dan memilih tentang siapa yang bisa mendapatkannya. Itu yang akan gw lakukan sekarang. And It's not going so badly!

Gw yakin, jika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu yang sangat gw sayangin saat ini, karena Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Amin.

(contemplating with myself)

.. delete ..

"I can't take this hurt any longer. I can't handle all the lies that came from him."

"Let it loose, munchkin. You're hurt even more, if you still trying to ignore all his lies."

"I'm trying to be fair with him. I care for him, that's what I do."

"Is he fair with you? Does he care for your feeling?"

"I don't know. Never though about that. Why should I care on that?"

"Munchkin, you can not always please other people for their own sake. You should taking care of your feeling as well you taking care of other."

"Will he be fine without me?"

"He's old enough to know which one is good one and which one is bad one, he doesn't need you to know the answer."

"I'm tired with everything that I carry, the lies, the hurt, the disappointment and the betrayed that he cause."

"You're to good for this kind of man, if he's looking for some cheesy girl that could fulfill his ego or his pride and also could satisfy his lust let him do it!"

"After what I did, can he just give me a little attention that he care?"

"He's just not that in to you, Munchkin. Why would you give your big effort to this kind of guy who can not even give you a little appreciation toward everything that you did for him."

"I'm smiling, even though I cried inside. I know him so well, I care for him, but it seems that he doesn't care."

"Munchkin, I know you. You never complain, you never grumbling, you never even have any demand on him. You're not expecting anything in return for every action that you did to him. That's why I said YOU'RE TO GOOD FOR THIS KIND OF MAN!"

"If he wants to hurt me, why he did this to me? What I ever done that made him hurt me this bad?"

"He just don't know how to keep good things in his life, Munchkin! He just don't know that he's throwing the best part."

" - sigh- "

"Everyone loves you, Munchkin. Don't waste your time with this kind of man who can not appreciate the good thing in you. You deserve someone better."

"I'm the one who keep hurting myself because I do care for this person."

"If you care enough with this person, you should know how to take care of yourself, Munchkin. Vanish him from your mind, delete him from heart, and start to maintain your own."

"I need sometime to recover with this feeling! I'm vulnerable."

.. take a bow ..

You look so dumb right now
Not even trying' to apologize
You're so ugly when you lie!
Please, just cut it out

And don't tell me you're not sorry 'cause you're not
when I know you're only sorry you got caught .. shame on you!

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining'
Go on and take a bow

This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

But it's over now...I should move on!

I really don't know how to handle all those lies!

.. confession ..

Here's the thing that I would like to tell you about ...

"I Love him ... I love him ... I do ... I don't care what people might think! I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is."

"Are you sure, he will be fair with you? He has to be fair with you, you love him ... if he doesn't love you, he got to let you know!"

"Well, I hate why love have to take a hard work."

"Hei, he's the one whose letting you in in his world and take control of it! At least he should show you his responsibilities on that."

"I'm the one who let him do that to me, aren't I?"

"You do it with his permission, if not I guarantee you're not that stupid to enter somebody life's."

"At least I could do something about it. I know it's not going to be easy with me, but at least I tried my best showing him I care. I'm exist no matter what, he had me at hello!"

"If you still have enough strength to hang on, do it! But, if you can hardly stand please released yourself from the hurt that he cause ok."

"He's a great guy, he's good. Even though it hurt me, I'm sure he has his own reason for that!"

"I have no idea why you still have that graceful think over him. He hurt you even worst each day!"

"I don't know, perhaps the hurt that he cause makes me stronger each day to face the faith that I will loose him someday."

"I love those smile on your face, even when you're hurt."

"Thank you, I keeping it for myself."

.. struggling ..

.. Lihat aku disini, kau lukai hati dan perasaan ini. Tapi entah mengapa aku bisa memberikan maaf kepadamu, mungkin karena cinta padamu tulus dari dasar hatiku.

Meski, kau terus sakiti aku cinta ini akan selalu memaafkan. Dan aku percaya nanti engkau, mengerti bila cintaku tak akan mati ..

.. Biar bintang tak datang, ku yakin hatiku hanya untuknya. Walau bintang menghilang ku sampaikan salam sayangku untuk mu. Meski mungkin aku yang harus pergi, tak apa tanpa harus ku mengerti.

Biar aku melangkah, menemani bintang, menerangi malam. Jangan resahkan aku, yang penting bahagia untuk dirinya.

Ku tak mengerti namun ku sadari, andai cinta tak datang haruskah ku jelang hampanya mimpiku, ketulusan cintaku biarlah terpendam di lubuk hatiku ..

.. alone ..

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
I hope that it won't end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone
(Alone - Heart)

.. revolutionize..

Here's the thing, it just get me into my madness turning point! When I read one of my friend blog, then I realize perhaps I made some stupid "analogy" about the "LIE" things in this person.

Enough with all the lies, here's some turning point that I get from the anger and hate that I have this couples of day. I've been very angry to know that person which is very close to me LIED! I do understand he would have known that he did, but to make it subtle he made it like nothing happened. He made lots of excuses over something that very simple, keep telling me those stories that makes me even dizzy hearing it! I just knew it when something might happened! I just sense it!

The turning point might be I have to accept the fate, show the calmness of myself and give up for every hard work that I did to this person. Even though, I don't know rather that he wants me to leave or not, better for me to take a decision to leave. I know it for sure, that I'm not quite ready for this decision that's why I should applaud myself for this. I had enough of fighting with my own.

Sometimes changes fears me. Because, for me changes are unpredictable and unexpected.
I don't know what's behind the corner. And I hate the feeling to face the changes. But, the weird thing is I hate being predictable, I need some color to fulfill my life. Colorful is better rather than only goes with one or two colors isn't it? Boring will come when it comes to predictable, I get bored easily when things are so predictable for me. Is not that I like the challenge being psychic or what, but when something is so predictable there wouldn't be any reason to have colorful in life isn't it?

I hate being in comfort zone, perhaps I'm too comfort with him, when I know that he lied (well, guess is un-predictable for me to know that he lied) I get SHOCKED! That will answer my fear for changes isn't it?

Honestly, I like to change for sake of mine! Sometime I want to wear skirt, wearing a tank top, having cute hair cut, I want to look like barbie doll, etc all the changes shouldn't be too dramatically in me! I still own my original characters thou! (",)

Now, I understand everybody change, so I have to embrace it aren't I?

But it's hard to embrace the changes toward the person that very close to me, when I feel there's some changes, he slowly or suddenly isn't the person that I think I know, maybe becoming a stranger in front of me. Weird .. Guess, it's normal if I suddenly become scared. I don't know how to react to this "new" person. I'm pissed, I'm mad, I'm disappointed and feel betrayed!

In my defense, what I can do is I try really hard to keep that person to be "the person that I know". I keep reminding him of the old days when he was like this or was like that.
I even try to make him guilty for changing, maybe because I feel that he has changed
because of "someone else". But, I get tired with all the hard work I did I'd only sigh with a broken heart as I looked at him and I whisper slowly, "You've changed."

Deep down inside I know I'm broken-hearted NOT because his changed, but because I can't keep up with his change. I become jealous of the new, shiny, more modern toy that he has now. It hurts when I know I can't keep up with his change.

The learning I get from the feeling is, sometimes he's not changed like the way I think he is. A part of him that wasn't so obvious in the past suddenly just becomes more prominent. But it was just there from the start. I just didn't realize it 'till now!

But, people do change so GET WITH IT! I change for myself aren't I? Well, lot's of people complaining that "You're so moody and change very fast!". Well, if I expect people to accept me the way I am, why can't I accept him for his changes.

It will be nice to be with someone that you can feel safe to grow and change together. Well, before that; I thought he could be the perfect combination of mine; But, people have their own option for the changes that they made.

*He go that way, I go this way. There's no TURNING BACK and NO TEARS!

(some of the statement I took it from Alia's blog)

.. curhat dari sisi aku ..

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"Tertangkapkah olehmu apa yang ku rasa. Terus ganggu hatiku sering kali ku ragu ...
Ragukan pedulimu dan tak yakin kesungguhanmu

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja ...

meski aku ada,tapi seperti tak ada. Aku disini, namun tak berarti

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja

Lihat.. lihat aku Izinkan sedikit egoku lakukan seperti mauku. Tataplah kedua mataku
Dan coba kira keinginanku

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku sulitkah... Bisakah... Kau pahami

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini.
Cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja ... "

.. unknown feeling ..

Apakah yang engkau cari? Tak kau temukan di hatiku.
Apakah yang engkau inginkan? Tak dapat lagi ku penuhi. Begitulah aku, pahamilah aku.

Mungkin aku tidaklah sempurna, tetapi hatiku memiliki mu sepanjang umur ku. Mungkin aku tidak bisa memiliki dirimu ...

(tak bisa memiliki - samsons)

.. secrets ..

These 3 days I've been spent most of my time with my family and my girls best friends. We talked lots of things, well actually it's been me who kept asking them "What exactly do I want from now!"

Here's some thought that my friends share it with me ... most of the q's are in a area of my own feeling. I just can't stop this "scared" feeling with my own heart ... I just don't know how to deal with the "falling" things!

Quotes 1:

"Maybe you're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe you're thankful for the familiar things you know. And maybe you're thankful for the things you'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that you have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

Quotes 2:

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

Quotes 3:

"Even now, I believe for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway."

Quotes 4:

"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough. It's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."

Quotes 5:

"Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget."

Quotes 6:

"As doctors, we're trained to be skeptical, because patients lie to us all the time. The rule is, every patient is a liar until proven honest. Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth. Honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth… the truth freaking hurts."

Quotes 7:

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.

(Thank you, Gals!!)

.. rapuh ..

.. Dia gak tau betapa rapuhnya aku, walopun cinta tak sempurna dan datang menghampiriku seketika, tetapi aku tetap rapuh.

Dia tidak pernah tahu betapa rapuhnya aku, masih terasa luka di masa lalu. Aku pernah mencintai sepenuh hati, dan aku terluka dan membekas dan membekas buat selamanya.

Walaupun aku percaya "luka ini akan sembuh" .. mungkin masih ada harapan bagi yang baru. Dia sempat tawarkan sejuta harapan, tp kenangan itu terus ada ...

Dia datang bagai hujan, basahi tanah hatiku ini, tapi sekarang bisa di lihat kan? Luka itu kembali terbuka? Bekas itu ada lagi, terkoyak. Darah itu kembali muncul ...

It does hurt!! Really hurt!He brought the scar again!It hurt even more!!

"BISAKAH KITA TAK USAH BERHARAP DI DUNIA INI! SEHINGGA KITA BISA MERASA BEBAS DARI RASA TAKUT?"

.. the distance ..

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

"Where's the good in goodbye?”

"When you know when to let go."

"I should let him go, when I know I couldn't compete with his expectation!"

"Whatever it is, you've been the nicest person he ever known. He'd be dump if he think that you're not!"

"I'm trying to be!"

"No..you're not trying. You win him over, you know everything gonna work out, you just don't want to face the truth that he fall for you too!"

"Oh, well have a nice rest, and good sleep ya!"

"You've been good! You're always good!"

"Thank you!"

.. pinjam hati ..

Kupinjam hatimu bukan 'tuk kumiliki
Namun bila kumiliki tak akan kukatakan
Kuingin dirimu tak untuk abadi
Ingin kusentuh dirimu tapi tidak hatimu

Karena ...

Cinta tak akan nyata untukmu
Cinta tak pernah ada untukmu

Nikmati apa yang kita jalani
Biarlah terus mengalir
Namun bila nanti ku inginkan lebih
Segera 'kan kuakhiri

Karena ..

Kupinjam hatimu bila ku sedang ingin
Namun bila tak lagi...
Sudahlah aku tidak tahu harus berbuat apa ..

.. a story ..

X: He never wanted me. All he wanted is pretty girl the whole time.
Y: Do you like him?
X: Yeah.
Y: Yeah, and is he worth all this trouble?
X: Well, I thought he was, but you know, I...
Y: Well, he is or he isn't. See first of all, those pretty girls are not half the woman you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.
X: Is that right?
Y: Yeah, if you really fell for him.

Y: It's not everyday he would find a girl who'll flash someone to get attention by being HERSELF!
X: I don't always have to be who they want me to be, you know?
Y: People perceive you as somewhat...
X: There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my sneakers, but I love my SWATCH collections.
Y: Yeah, because you don't have any guts to admit you fall for this guy!

X: Well, in my denial I would force myself that I hate the way he talk to me, and the way he walk. I hate the way he drive. I hate it when he stare. I hate his attitude toward people, and the way he read my mind. I hate him so much it makes me sick; it even makes me depressed. I hate it, I hate the way he's always right. I hate it when he lie. I hate it when he makes me laugh, even worse when he make me cry. I hate it when he's not around, and the fact that he didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Y: Because, you already fall for him with no expectation!

(Mitnite conversation that takes lots of effort to fight with my own feeling!)