.. revolutionize..

Here's the thing, it just get me into my madness turning point! When I read one of my friend blog, then I realize perhaps I made some stupid "analogy" about the "LIE" things in this person.

Enough with all the lies, here's some turning point that I get from the anger and hate that I have this couples of day. I've been very angry to know that person which is very close to me LIED! I do understand he would have known that he did, but to make it subtle he made it like nothing happened. He made lots of excuses over something that very simple, keep telling me those stories that makes me even dizzy hearing it! I just knew it when something might happened! I just sense it!

The turning point might be I have to accept the fate, show the calmness of myself and give up for every hard work that I did to this person. Even though, I don't know rather that he wants me to leave or not, better for me to take a decision to leave. I know it for sure, that I'm not quite ready for this decision that's why I should applaud myself for this. I had enough of fighting with my own.

Sometimes changes fears me. Because, for me changes are unpredictable and unexpected.
I don't know what's behind the corner. And I hate the feeling to face the changes. But, the weird thing is I hate being predictable, I need some color to fulfill my life. Colorful is better rather than only goes with one or two colors isn't it? Boring will come when it comes to predictable, I get bored easily when things are so predictable for me. Is not that I like the challenge being psychic or what, but when something is so predictable there wouldn't be any reason to have colorful in life isn't it?

I hate being in comfort zone, perhaps I'm too comfort with him, when I know that he lied (well, guess is un-predictable for me to know that he lied) I get SHOCKED! That will answer my fear for changes isn't it?

Honestly, I like to change for sake of mine! Sometime I want to wear skirt, wearing a tank top, having cute hair cut, I want to look like barbie doll, etc all the changes shouldn't be too dramatically in me! I still own my original characters thou! (",)

Now, I understand everybody change, so I have to embrace it aren't I?

But it's hard to embrace the changes toward the person that very close to me, when I feel there's some changes, he slowly or suddenly isn't the person that I think I know, maybe becoming a stranger in front of me. Weird .. Guess, it's normal if I suddenly become scared. I don't know how to react to this "new" person. I'm pissed, I'm mad, I'm disappointed and feel betrayed!

In my defense, what I can do is I try really hard to keep that person to be "the person that I know". I keep reminding him of the old days when he was like this or was like that.
I even try to make him guilty for changing, maybe because I feel that he has changed
because of "someone else". But, I get tired with all the hard work I did I'd only sigh with a broken heart as I looked at him and I whisper slowly, "You've changed."

Deep down inside I know I'm broken-hearted NOT because his changed, but because I can't keep up with his change. I become jealous of the new, shiny, more modern toy that he has now. It hurts when I know I can't keep up with his change.

The learning I get from the feeling is, sometimes he's not changed like the way I think he is. A part of him that wasn't so obvious in the past suddenly just becomes more prominent. But it was just there from the start. I just didn't realize it 'till now!

But, people do change so GET WITH IT! I change for myself aren't I? Well, lot's of people complaining that "You're so moody and change very fast!". Well, if I expect people to accept me the way I am, why can't I accept him for his changes.

It will be nice to be with someone that you can feel safe to grow and change together. Well, before that; I thought he could be the perfect combination of mine; But, people have their own option for the changes that they made.

*He go that way, I go this way. There's no TURNING BACK and NO TEARS!

(some of the statement I took it from Alia's blog)