.. a letter from a friend ..

Dear Shera,

I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out there hang out with all your friends and you'll feel exhausted after. There is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane, you can take care of yourself without any help from me or any other friends around you. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me as one of your best buddy.

And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my very best friend ever. I'm a friend with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Shera. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise.

So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends.

You still got lots of love around you, don't be afraid of hurt and disappointment; it's part in your life. Reality bites!

Enjoy your new year eve's with whomever that person is!!!

P.S
Don't loose those smile and laugh ya.

(Thank you, Mike! That's the nicest New Year's card that I ever received! Thank God for sending me you as my guardian Friend!)

.. anxious ..

Me: I’m feeling nervous trying to be so perfect cause I know he's worth it ...If I could say what I want to say I'd say I wanna blow him away... Be with him every night; am I squeezing him too tight? If I could say what I want to see I want to see him go down on one knee and ask me to be his woman today. It don’t do me any good it’s just a waste of time what use is it to him. What’s on my mind if ain’t coming out. We’re not going anywhere, so why can’t I just tell him that I care...What’s wrong with my tongue these words keep slipping away I stutter, I stumble like I’ve got nothing to say

Lyra: Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.

(late night conversation with mommy through texting - 00.30wib)

.. dull ..

.. kejujuran itu kaya Ice Cream..kalo gak dimakan...lama-lama akan mencair! Kejujuran itu suatu otot yang harus di latih. .. Kalau gak dilatih tidak akan menjadi kebiasaan..Jadi kejujuran itu harus dilatih terus-menerus supaya kita menjadi terbiasa dengan kejujuran! ...

.. change ..

.. satu persatu telah ku hapus, cerita lalu diantara kita. Dua hati pernah berjaya, seribu mimpi tanpa ragu tanpa curiga. Ku tak ingin lagi menunggu menanti harapan 'tuk hidupkan cinta yang telah pergi.

Ku tak ingin coba, hanya 'tuk kecewa lelah ku bersenyum lelah ku bersandiwara. Ku ingin pergi dan BERGANTI HATI..

.. Telah ku hapus nada dan lagu yang dulu ku cipta untukmu, rasa yang dulu pernah ada kini berdebu terbelenggu dusta dan noda. Ku tak ingin lagi tersakiti dan kecewa karenanya.

Ku telah kecewa, ku telah terhujam. Kini ku sadari diri ini ingin BERGANTI HATI. Cinta yang telah pergi harus BERGANTI HATI ..

.. awaiting ..

Me: I feel exhausted ... I'm tired!

Him: Why? Are you running away again from something?

Me: Nope..I'm just tired of being me. Keep smiling and laughing, even though I know deep down inside I'm crying out loud over something that really hurt me!

Him: Let it go, dear! Don't keep all the hurt inside you! You're a good person, trust me good things will happen eventually if you do believe good things will come for those who waits.

Me: I don't know what should I wait? I've been burried everything I have already. Nothing left .. except my faith on myself.

Him: Are you happy of being you?

Me: Of course! I couldn't asked for more ... I love myself!

Him: Then...

Me: Well, guess I'm loosing my objective of life already.

Him: You're tired of being alone, dear! You just to scared to admit it. Your dignity is far beyond from your self concious.

Me: Define the word ALONE to me.

Him: You've been tired making most of decision by your own, handling everything by yourself. You have the quality that every guys want, you're smart, you're adorable, you're attractive..most of it you are UNIQUE. But, you never realize it. You keep hiding yourself back in the corner where people couldn't see you.

Me: *lol* I'm not pretty, I'm not stunning comparing with other girls. C'mon don't be joking.

Him: You don't trust with all the values that shining inside you! You just don't trust your own inner. Trust me ..

Me: Well ... I do believe most of people wants somebody attractive, pretty and sexy to be with them. While, me ... I'm away from that perspective! So, why would I care if people want me to look pretty or attractive? Is not me? Why would I change my personality for those stupid people who only see me from outer look?

Him: Hahahaha..you're to sceptical with yourself, no wonder you don't have self confidence over yourself! Don't be to sceptic, dear! Most people adore your personality, because you are not faking for other people pleasure. You're enjoying your life by being YOU!

Me: I'm just trying to be ME! Nothing more ...

Him: Well...no need to runaway again? So, still tired?

Me: I don't know ... Let me grab some ice tea over there ....

.........

.. chances ..

This q's often playing around on my head. Feed up by contemplating by our own...I knew the answer already, but I keep asking the same q's over and over again. No...its not torturing but is more like annoying voice every time I grumble again with that q's.

.. But, if tomorrow never come? Would it be the same? What if chance is only one step ahead, would it be another chance? Is it going to be another spot in my life to meet that chance again? ..

Most people often said, that "Enjoy your life while you can. Got nothing to loose, if you get hurt by it, just be it. Stand up again and find another way to get hurt!"

Then, I asked myself..."Would it be my only chance?" Can I choose my own chance? Or can I just create my own chance? Would it be possible for me to do that? ..

.. grateful ..

Bersyukurlah bahwa kamu belum siap memiliki segala sesuatu yang kamu inginkan. Seandainya sudah, apalagi yang harus diinginkan?

Bersyukurlah apabila kamu tidak tahu sesuatu. Karena itu memberimu kesempatan untuk belajar.

Bersyukurlah untuk masa-masa sulit. Di masa itulah kamu tumbuh.

Bersyukurlah untuk keterbatasanmu. Karena itu memberimu kesempatan untuk berkembang.

Bersyukurlah untuk setiap tantangan baru. Karena itu akan membangun kekuatan dan karaktermu.

Bersyukurlah untuk kesalahan yang kamu buat. Itu akan mengajarkan pelajaran yang berharga.

Bersyukurlah bila kamu lelah dan letih. Karena itu kamu telah membuat suatu perbedaan.

Mungkin mudah untuk kita bersyukur akan hal-hal yang baik. Hidup yang berkelimpahan datang pada mereka yang juga bersyukur akan masa surut.

Rasa syukur dapat mengubah hal yang negatif menjadi positif.Temukan cara bersyukur akan masalah-masalahmu dan semua itu akan menjadi berkah bagimu.

(Un-known)

.. stand up ..

Me: DAMN it! I feel useless .. is almost 3 weeks! Hate this feeling ... getting crisis with myself
Her: C'mon I know deep down inside you are stronger than you think. Be it, Dude! You're the kind of person who can go through anything and even when you think it can’t, it finds a way to still push on.

Me: Sometime I feel I want to run away. I don't like this feeling, useless and dumb! I don't have enough patience for this kind of situation!
Her: Well, if you don’t believe it look into your heart, the beat goes on, ask yourself what do you really want in this situation.

Me: I'm Angry! Feel being left behind, un-appreciate feeling after what I did. If I'm not good enough, let me know so I can improve myself .. not with this kind of situation.
Her: I’m telling you things get better through whatever . If you fall, dust it off, don’t let up. Don’t you know you can go, be your own miracle, you need to know you are what you are. People see you as you .. nothing else!

Me: My mind keeps thinking I’ve had enough; But my heart keeps telling me don’t give up, Well, Who am I to be questioning, wondering what is what, I just don't give so much SHIT with this situation.
Her: Dude, it’s like we all have better days, problems getting all up in our face.
Just because you go through it don’t mean it gotta take control. You ain’t gotta find no hiding place; Don’t let your mind keep playing you and saying you can’t go through it.

Me: I'm through .. I just can't take this any longer! I really don't like the feeling. I don't like being a DOPE!!
Her: Don’t be a prisoner in your mind, let your heart be your guide, you will know that you’re good if you trust in good. Everything will be alright, if you follow your heart and it will get better through whatever.

Me: Thank you for everything! You're the BEST!!!

.. analytical ..

Someone told me ... and it really hits me on the eyes! *oucch*

"I don't know why you put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our parents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what everything we heard and we've known really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying"

Am I to afraid to those failure, rejection and expectation that I've been made for myself? Is it because I'm to scared with my own feeling?

Maybe I just like the pain. Maybe I'm wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe I just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop... *sigh*

.. you can ..

Take me where I've never been,
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feelin' isn't some mistake

'cause if anyone can make me fall in love,
You can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow,
Tonight would never end
If you asked me, I would follow
But for now, I just pretend
'cause if anyone can make me fall in love,
You can

When you look at me,
Tell me, what do you see?
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here,
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreamin' of

If anyone can make me fall in love,
You can

Only you can take me sailin' in your deepest eyes.
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this,
Everything was just a lie
And I know, yes I know...

This is where it all begins,
So tell me it'll never end
I can't fool myself,
It's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow,
Tonight would never end
If you asked me, I would follow
But for now, I just pretend

If anyone can make me fall in love,
You can

Show me that good things come to those who wait