.. barmy ..

“For every action, there was an opposite reaction. But maybe you could undo your wrongs by keeping someone else from making the same mistakes of misjudgement.”

but, what if the disappointment come from someone that you rely on. it hurt ... (of course), it seems that everything we did will always be people echo. I did this, that people did it too, I want this, that people want it too, I talked about this, that people tried to have the same topic as mine...What in world this people think, don't they have their own to share? Don't they have some creativity to create new thing rather than copying mine?

I ain't special, I'm just normal human being that always makes mistakes not one or two but MANY!! and by then I realize, well I feel thou not realize .. to harsh for me to say "realize" for this matters... I feel that this people is "using" me, somehow that feeling pop up! That's makes me disappoint. I know ... I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it!

I'm tired, I had enough to all of this! I hate too echoing with what other people do. I have my own and I love my own!I ain't follower. I am what I am not what people might think about me!

That's why please stop making me your center of everything I ain't no good at all! I'm only good for myself.. for me! Not for everyone to look up too...

.. shadow ..

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe."

I won't bother if people has secrets, but I'd feel annoyed if people try to get in to my secrets!
I never talked so much about myself, or some stories I keep it for myself (well, I do shared most of them with my mom and my sisters thou) it safer for me instead of sharing it with someone else.

Some people tend to tell .. it's human. When I told one story to them, they might tell it to anyone they close too. As for me I never let my stories to be public consumption. I am what I am and that's me!

I really hate when people talked to me "Why don't you tell me?" then I'm asking to myself why would I care to tell you about this? Is it an obligation for me to tell everyone for every stories I have? I don't even update my status on my Facebook because I won't let everyone knows about my mood and my feeling ... It safe for me if I keep it for myself.

.. pyramid ..

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not cause you don’t trust them, but to see how much they’ll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let them go; not cause you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back.

.. gotta a feeling ..

"If you feel that you're not smart, please don't act that you're smarter."

I hate the way that person act smart in front of me, the fact is that person is not even smarter than me! Dhoooaaaahhh!!

I've been keeping this feeling, this thought about this person. The truth is this person already disappoint me in some way. I never make big deal of it, I tried to cope with it, as what my parents often told me I'm the one who should be more flexible for everyone else.

If I feel threatened and not comfortable, it's ok for me to walk out and asked myself the things that I learn from this person. I'm tired of this person .. I'm not a person who likes to share about everything, something I keep it for me, for myself. Not every detail of my life is belong to everyone.

I'm not smart, but I do learn something from every dumb witness that happened in my life. I'm not competing with anyone to reach certain point. I'm getting used to be a center of attention, I have lots of attention from my family why would I care for an attention for everyone else? I don't give a damn shit! I listen to the things that I want to listen, I talk for certain things that is worth to talk too.

Why bother? If some people make some stories in their life, doesn't mean I have to own some stories to steal their thunder right? I'm what I am, with or without story people are fine with me! I don't bother ...

I'm not exposing myself, because I'm tired being exposed! It's time for myself to enjoy the entire me! I'm done with all exposing things, I tried to pull myself out from the center of everything ... because it's time for me to have more quality time for myself, with my family especially with my parents.

So stop bugging me with the thunder steal stories! I won't care .. because I know you're not smarter than me or anyone else! So stop faking it, stop being smart!!!!

.. deep thought ..

"I think I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens"

.. simply the best ..

No matter how frightened and discouraged I may become about the future, I look forward to it. In spite of everything I see all around me every day, I have a shaky assurance that everything will turn out fine; and I don’t think I’m the only one. Why else would the phrase “Everything is alright” ease a troubled place in so many of us? We just don’t know, we never know, yet we have so much faith. We hold our hands over our hurts and lean forward. It is how we keep on, this kind of hope.

When things go wrong, you’ll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better -- The Chronicles of Narnia

.. ordinary boy ..

Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just trying to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.
And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That everyday he finds
Just what he's looking for,
Like a shooting star he shines.

And He said take my hand,
Live while you can
Don't you feel your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal.
And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine.
And I know he's no stranger,
For I feel I've held him for all of time.

Please come with me,
See what I see.
Touch the stars for time will not flee.
Time will not flee.
Can you see?

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream.
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?
Did he asked if I would come along
It all seemed so real.
But as I looked to the door,
I saw that boy standing there with a deal.

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just trying to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.

-- Ordinary Day-Vanessa Carlton --

.. ascertain ..

I’ve learned a lot this year.. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way I planned, or the way I think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that I can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as I have people who love me.

I've learned that some friends sometime will turn out to "use" me for their sake, without considering how I feel and how it will effect my feeling.

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” - Dalai Lama -

So, based on what I've learned .. I can conclude that I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

.. talk to me ..

A word that come up from my mind "Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things" I heard this words, but I can't remember who said it. But is true thou. Everything that happened in our live, will based on what we did, what we gave and what we wish for.

If we can't accept who we are, forgive every mistakes that we did and can't love ourself how can God knows what's good from us in front of God, doesn't it? God create us with purposed, God have it's own plan toward our lives, of course God always have a good reasons for everything that happened in our lives. If we can't be graceful how can God be good to us?

.. truth ..

Dear Diary,

Today I’ve convinced myself it’s ok to give up. Don’t take risks. Stick with the status quo, no drama, now is just, not the time. But my reasons aren’t reasons they’re excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth, and the truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world is going to come crashing down and I don’t know if I can survive that.

- me -

.. I'll Take You There ..

"Solitude brought out the worst in me. It gave me time to brood over the nature of things. I wondered how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?
We ran into each other at graduation. We had lunch about a year after that. It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days. My college experience wasn't what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure.
But I'm not unhappy; I don't think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it.
It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip.."
(Eddie - Threesome movie 1994)

.. simple ..

“It seems like it’s all just remembering and forgetting. Things happen so fast, and then they’re gone before you notice them. Events ambush you from out of nowhere, blindside you, and then you have to spend the time afterward trying to remember or forget what the hell it all was to begin with. The more you think about it, the more the events crumble, crack, breakdown, or refuse to change at all. They’re either pieces of ice in your hand, changing shape and melting away until they’re nothing like what they were to begin with, or pieces of glass. Sharp and irritating, unchanging reminders of pain and unpleasantness - or happiness.”
(Gregory Galloway)

.. distance ..

"Sometimes, you have to be apart from people you love. But that doesn’t mean you love them any less. Sometimes it even makes you love them more"

Because what I have in mind when I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there’d be room for him to stay.

.. marriage ..

I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.

.. lies ..

"That’s the problem with us. We’re both stubborn asses and always want to get our way. We both hate to be wrong and love to be right. But that’s the thing about love. No matter what happens, we always come back for each other, one more time"

.. be reminded ..

“It is better to be alone, I figures, than to be with someone who can’t see who I am. It is better to lead than to follow. It is better to speak up than stay silent. It is better to open doors than to shut them on people.”

Perhaps, most people will say that I'm very harsh on everything. Blunt in someway, straight forward to anything that bother me. If I don't feel comfortable without saying it, my face will tell everything.

It remind me of someone, that always makes me smile even a little, or even laugh hard. By looking at him, I will smile and giggles for a while. All he's gotta do is sit beside me, and looking at the sky with me near the soccer field in campus. He would walk with me in silence for 15km and I still can smile and laugh in silence for both of us.

I miss the silence that still can talk inside our heart, I miss the sincerity of this person.

.. the best of me ..

.. because ..

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.”

I guess I didn't read the sign at all, I'm sure it must be so much more than this
cause I've never been so unhappy. Everything's wrong and backwards upside down.

It's hard for me to know the reality that you'll be sorry. And I don't wanna see you cry. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you'll be sorry anyway.

It feels so wrong but it's right to tell you now .. "I feel you"

.. because ..

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.”

I think what I have learned most is that… I’ll never be perfect. I’m not talking about just looks or things like that, but in every part of life, I’ll always be flawed. I’m sure a lot of girls feel that way too and I know that dudes do cause I live with a bunch of ‘em. The greatest feeling is knowing that I don’t have to be right.

.. burning out ..

I don't wanna take a step back, but I'm running on emptiness
Just let me let go, it's killing me in every way.

I just can't escape your ghost, the fire you started once is now burning out!
I just fade away, I can't find myself leaving
and it hurts with every breath I take, that I will never know the feeling ...
You take me in ...

Have you ever even noticed all the pain when you look into my eyes
Tell me, have you ever even thought about that I'm burning out

.. inception ..

"Did it ever occur to you that you’re so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you’ve never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices?"

Maybe, I've got it all wrong in the first place. How I tried to make everyone happy with my choices. Even though, most of time the choice that I made always bring me lots of confusion and un-comfortable feeling for myself (highlight on this ... MYSELF!)
I fully aware, most of the time people never thought about how I feel about the choices that I made (for them).

Sometime, I even have to lie about my choices. I need my selfishness to satisfy myself over something. I need my "me moment" I need to pleasuring myself, I want to appreciate myself with my own way.

Lucky me, I have a parents and family who can always give me those things. That's why I always enjoying my moment around them. They know exactly how to comfort me, with their way. I can just sit with my parents the whole day; watching TV, read some newspapers, gossiping, chatting, or even make fun of myself in front of them. I just love to see and hear the sincere voice from them.

The beginning of everything happened in my life, is all the beginning how I enter the social circle around me. I tried to make everyone happy and comfortable, but I never feel that they making me happy or comfortable.

.. 40 days has pass ..

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more that you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

It's been 40days since he passed away. One of my very best buddy!
2 days ago, I dream about him again. We made some conversation, under the big tree where I held a Teh Botol and he was taking some mineral water while his eyes is empty staring on the cloud.

Me: How's your life up there?
Him: It’s very beautiful over there. I don’t know where it is exactly, but I believe it’s somewhere.
Me: How can you define beautiful?
Him: You'll love it! How's your life?
Me: Me ..? Nothing new, same me!
Him: It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. If you know what I mean.
Me: .. *I'd only can smile at him*

I still can't believe that he's gone! I miss talking "trash" with him. Shared some "junks" idea.

Hope he's been treated good up there!

.. hiding ..

I don't view myself as a victim. I don't even view myself as a survivor. Living in truth has opened up doors to me that i never could have imagined existed. I feel proud to be where i am today, with my head held high. Im just me. No more. No less. Just 'Shera'.

Where the shy ones have something worth hiding. Either that, or they are deathly allergic to being seen by anyone, and sometimes even themselves in the mirror. Some people aren’t just cut out for spotlights and attention, even though many dread it and at the same time desire it. The shell we thrive in is just so tightened it doesn’t need to be broken, though some who are in it wish it was destroyed completely. And as confusing and contradicting as that was, being looked at is something sick in of itself. To be stared at, for whatever reason and to be analyzed, for whatever intentions. If you think about it, we are sparing ourselves manic thoughts and preparation by being shy. It’s not exactly what we all want, especially if you know someone who is terrifyingly shy, but it’s something we just do. For whatever reason, we don’t like to be watched by a couple of idiots who don’t know when to leave us alone, and when we need them most.

.. where are you ..

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

.. unite ..

"When I’m good, I’m very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better."

Keep talking to myself "Truth only means something when it’s hard to admit" it's been 10 days already. I still wonder, why this questions still pop up in my head? But again, truth be told, if you’re looking for the guilty you need only look into a mirror.

“Sorry is irrelevant. There’s no point being sorry about something unless you can do something about it. And you can’t. We can’t go back in time. We can’t change what happened.”

Last night, I met him in my other world ...
He asked me:"So now here I am, what do you want to say? What do you want to ask?"
I turn into him and said: "I will ask God to put you somewhere you can’t get hurt."
He smile at me, then he hug me really tight then before he left he said: "Sorry I don't have enough time to share everything with you, but I surely you'd understand. You've always been good to me! Love you, Gembol!"
I waved at him, my final good bye for him!

" I still feel you, bom! I feel you!!"

... don't forget to remember him ...

I know you are in a better place
But I miss looking at your face
You were so young to die
Every night I sit and cry
Wondering why does it have to be this way
It hurts so much because there’s nothing I can do or say
There is one thing that’s plain to see
That one day we will be together again
And now until then you will always remain my best friend

.. anger ..

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”

The 6th day is already passed away, the anger keep inside of me. It feels really hurt! Is not the anger of being hurt, is the anger because of the truth did not reveal.

"why? why? why?" only those words that keep playing around my head! once again "why?"
I shouldn't get angry, I shouldn't be upset or what so ever. But, the thinking on my head keep running try to solve the puzzle with my own thinking.

gw gak akan bertanya, gw gak akan mencari tahu. Buat gw kalo orang gak mau cerita, pastinya mereka gak mau di tanya kan? *sigh* kesel, marah, kecewa, sedih, kehilangan ... semua campur aduk kaya adonan di dalam sini.

Gak bolehkah gw tau keadaan sebenarnya? tidak bisakah gw tau kondisi apa yang sedang di hadapinya? Penderitaan apa yang di rasain? Walopun mungkin gw gak bisa bantu banyak, at least gw bisa membantu untuk bisa memberikan bantuan moril kan?

Gw emang gak bisa bantu banyak, gw gak punya apa-apa untuk bisa meringankan semuanya. Tapi setidaknya gw bisa hadir ketika seorang teman butuh kehadiran teman, butuh teman berbagi dan berbagi penderitaan. Mungkin memang sudah terlambat..walopun kadang ingin gw bisa berkata "I wish I could turn back time, and make everything in place"

I guess that won't be happened! Ya mungkin emang kadang penderitaan dan masalah tidak semua bisa di bagi ya? Sekarang yang gw tau bagaimana rasanya menjadi orang yang "left behind"

Semoga kemarahan dan kekecewaan ini akan pergi dengan sendirinya. May he rest in peace up there. I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just mad of myself ... because I'm the last one to know about (well, even is only a bit) everything. Sad ... yes, but yea..something might happened on the way to heaven!

.. In memoriam (Barkah Boma Setiawan April, 25th 1977 - June, 10th 2010) .. ..

The first time I saw this man I knew
There was something special inside of him
He awakened my passion and my curiosity
He was so sincere, I knew he'd be there for me

He gave me joy that I never knew
He was so dear to me
He'd help me get through the worse times in my life
I've shared my sadness , my pain, my strife

Whenever I dream the impossible dreams
He assured me that they would come true
He stayed in my corner no matter what life would bring
And I pledged my feeling for him and his family.

Thanks for being my best friend

Just like the rain falling to the ground
He washed away my doubts and turned my life around
He made everything good in my life that was bad
He's the greatest friend that I ever had

For he was my strength

Thanks for being my best friend

What did I give you in return for the hope that he gave me
Just ask and whatever you want
It will be, it will be

Once again thanks for being my best friend

(My bestfriend - Atlantic Starr)

.. angel's cry ..

There’re lots of things out there. Fakes, doubters, liars, prophets, dreamers, lovers, fighters, believers… Everyone fits into a category. No matter what we may say, we all hate at least one person. No matter how we choose to feel, we will always love that one person who doesn’t love us back.

Regardless of supposed ignorance, we all know the truth. It’s this game of life. It’s this mystery. Now, I don’t know how to solve it. But by God, even if I have to battle a fucking dragon, I will get out alive. At least I can be myself!

.. each tears ..

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous

.. choices ..

“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some Good. It’s called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don’t do it halfway. Don’t linger in whiner’s limbo.”

.. reality bites ..

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

It's like everybody never understand about the truth, until it is too late, that the more we try to avoid suffering the more we suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture us in proportion to our fear of being hurt. I mean yes it feel safe when you can keep everything to yourself.

But, somehow it need to be said, or at least showing it off to certain people not to released the hidden feeling inside us, but just to share the feeling.

So, for today lesson I might say to myself “I will learn from myself, be my own student.”

.. me, myself and I ..

"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade"

It's true when people said that "true friends are hard to find" .. most of people will give their fullest attention when you are in the good condition, I mean when you have this, when you have that, when you own this when you own that...

But, when you loose some of it, only few people might stay. I just can't imagine if we loose all ... how many of them will stay and give you courage and support to face everything? NONE!

I've seen many people talk behind their friends back's whenever they feel pissed.. Yea yea.. I did that too, if I feel annoyed or intimidating by my friends. But, when the time is right I will throw it to my friends that I'm pissed before, but I control it by not leaving them behind me when they drowning.

For me, better to have few friends but with good quality, instead having lots of friends who always faking themselves in front of me. You will never guarantee what they might do to harm you behind your back. This kind of friends freaking me out.

Been with this kind of person many years ago. It's really freaking out, in front of me this person is acting like she's the sweetest friend, put her effort to be part of my "crowd" ... I always believe good people always have a fortune to sense when the bad people around. God give me that, even though I know for sure, I'm not that good thou. *evil grin*

Crying out loud over the phone, feel regret and ask for my forgiveness..while, a few second after she hang up the phone she's scolded me behind my back and throwing bad words over me. While I did nothing to confront or even defend myself over her. For me .. why bother. My level is way above her, I'm raised by parents who have high level of education and attitude, so I won't do anything stupid to disgrace it.

She never stop talking about many bullies, lies and all the hypocrite to against her
wrong doing over some people she might call "friends" all I can say it's sad to see her with her friends especially her parents who raised her with that kind of environment of hates and hypocrite.

That's why I keep saying to myself "I'M PROUD TO HAVE ENEMIES, IT SHOW I HAVE CHARACTERS"

... don't wait ...

'It’s not me you should be worried about. There are bad people everywhere. Even here.'
'Eehhmm... let me guess. You’d protect me, right?'
'If it came down to that, I guess you can protect yourself.'

I have nothing to say on that, but he surprised me.

I believe there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on my face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all of my stories is always a story of it!
Because no matter how much a thing hurts, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

(my heart voice in the morning)

.. something missing ..

It’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments in our lives while they’re happening. That we grow complacent with ideas or things or people, and we take them for granted, and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you, that you realize how wrong you’ve been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it.

I won't pray for an easy life. Perhaps, I might pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

Even though I may want to move forward in my life, I may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, I must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain my old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding my back from a new life

.. dreamland ..

" You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. " - Meredith Grey

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The prince charming, well, it may not be the one for you. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

.. ask your own heart ..

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

Look upon a head, see through your back without turning back your head. Everything is waiting for you ahead not from your back.

.. stolen ..

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

(... you have stolen my heart ...)

.. marvel ..

Boy: Have I seen you before?
Girl: Me? I don’t think so.
Boy: Do you ever go to Tim Horton’s around that corner?
Girl: Yes… That’s like my favorite spot in the city.
Boy: Yeah, except for the parking lots.
Girl: Yeah, yeah I agree.
Boy: Yeah, yeah I think I’ve seen you there.
Girl: Really?
Boy: Yeah…
Girl: I haven’t seen you?
Boy: You must not have been looking…
Girl: … (speechless)

Next time I look back, I think I should look again.

.. wonder ..

I'm talking to myself these days “What if he was meant to be, or could have been, someone important in my life? I think that’s what scares me: the randomness of everything. That the people who could be important to you might just pass you by. Or you pass them by. How do you know…I felt that by walking away I was abandoning them, that I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.”

But, then I remember some quote that I took from Kofi Annan “To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go and why you want to get there.”

I do understand, sometime people have to run first before they can make their first step to walk.

What can I say now to myself is " I should make this happens!" HAVE TOO!!

.. edify ..

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

I did not remember that in school we learn how to be hypocrite, or did we learn about something how to back stab people?

Or perhaps we remember learning how to betrayed a friend or our spouse? how we talked about other people behind their back?

Maybe, we did learn the strategy how to be good in front of people and making fun of them behind their back.
Honestly, I did not remember any of them in my school thou. Did they got it from their school..

Wonder which school did they attend?

.. un-known ..

“Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy, hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean or do things they can’t take back. Sometimes we do things we can’t take back. We’re all afraid of something.”

Tried to forgive and forget about everything, being bitter is something I did to ignore all the hurt, and betrayal that happened to me.

The clock is ticking, there wouldn't be any turning back in anything!

.. just stand up ..

“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can’t learn anything from being perfect.” Adam Osborne

I made lots of mistakes, I tried to stand and facing all the mistakes that I've made. Tried to ignore all the regret I had.

Being perfect is the thing that I tried to ignore!

.. something to remember ..

“A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. “Never leave that till tomorrow,” he said, “Which you can do today.” This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you make a mistake you can’t undo? Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true: that by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.”

.. twinge ..

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

.. question ..

Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?

Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone…truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”

-Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series-

.. livid ..

MARAH sering kali mengakibatkan suasana yang tidak enak. Salah satu sifat emosi ini tak perlu dihindari, tetapi Anda harus berusaha untuk meredamnya.

Siapa pun pasti pernah marah. Setiap orang memiliki cara berbeda untuk melampiaskan satu bentuk emosi ini. Ada yang dipendam, ada pula yang diumbar tanpa kontrol. Yang pasti, semuanya sama-sama meninggalkan jejaknya pada tubuh kita. Disadari atau tidak,pada akhirnya akan menimbulkan suasana yang kurang menyenangkan (tidak harmonis) di sekelilingnya.

Ahli kejiwaan dari Rumah Sakit Sahid, Jakarta, Dr Sylvia Detri Elvira SpKJ (K) menjelaskan bahwa kemarahan merupakan salah satu dampak yang terjadi akibat mengalami berbagai macam fenomena, antara lain kekerasan, kebencian, peperangan, dan agresivitas. "Kemarahan juga sangat berhubungan dengan masa lalu seseorang atau adanya trauma pada masa lalu,"tandasnya.

Sylvia menuturkan, kemarahan merupakan salah satu bentuk perasaan yang dialami setiap orang, dimulai sejak bayi sampai pada orang yang sudah lanjut usia. "Perasaan ini merupakan emosi dasar yang dialami semua orang,tak terbatasi oleh budaya,"tutur dokter yang juga praktik di RSCM ini. Kemarahan juga bisa dikatakan sebagai suatu perilaku, sebagai salah satu bentuk emosi, juga sebagai pengalaman. Sylvia menuturkan, kemarahan merupakan suatu perasaan yang menggebu atau emosi ketidaknyamanan, yang dipicu oleh luka hati yang nyata atau khayal, atau oleh suatu penghinaan.

Kemarahan biasanya dialami oleh suatu kondisi afektif yang dihayati sebagai suatu motivasi untuk melakukan sesuatu yang memperingatkan, mengintimidasi, atau merupakan suatu serangan terhadap ancaman atau tantangan. Dan juga merupakan bagian dorongan agresif, yang dapat diekspresikan sebagai letupan emosi, yang kemudian dapat berkurang kadarnya, pascapengekspresiannya tersebut.

"Kemarahan dapat pula diekspresikan secara tidak langsung. Di mana perbedaan yang cukup besar terlihat pada budaya Barat dan Timur meskipun ada pula pengecualian, di mana budaya Barat lebih bisa mengekspresikan rasa kemarahan," jelasnya.

Selain itu, kemarahan dapat membuat seseorang menjadi waspada terhadap ketidakadilan, frustrasi, tekanan dari lingkungan, dan dapat mengarahkan perilaku untuk mengoreksi, atau mengeliminasi situasi yang mengganggu rasa sejahtera. Juga dapat berfungsi sebagai adaptasi dan komunikasi dalam membawa atau memfasilitasi pemenuhan kebutuhan
seseorang.

"Bila seseorang tidak mengungkapkan kemarahannya, maka yang terjadi adalah sikap apatis, yaitu salah satu bentuk ekspresi kemarahan," tutur dokter lulusan Universitas Indonesia ini.

Kekecewaan dan atau kemarahan adalah hal yang tidak terhindarkan dalam sebuah hubungan. Kemarahan bisa tertuju kepada pihak lain atau kepada diri sendiri. Dari adanya rasa kemarahan ini, maka ada baiknya agar kemarahan itu sebaiknya dikelola.

Psikiater dari Sanatorium Dharmawangsa Mental Health Clinic, Dr Heriani SpKJ (K), menuturkan, amarah merupakan ekspresi efektif normal manusia di samping gembira, sedih, kesal, kecewa, cemas atau takut. "Sumber kemarahan adalah pikiran atau persepsi akan suatu situasi," ujar psikiater dari Departemen Psikiatri FKUI ini.

Dalam kehidupan perkawinan, rasa kemarahan itu bisa saja muncul karena rasa kekecewaan, ketidakpuasan, dan lain-lainnya. Perselingkuhan misalnya, rasa ketidaksetiaan yang dilakukan salah satu pasangan, maka akan memancing rasa marah dari pasangan lain. "Meredam kemarahan bisa dilakukan dengan beberapa langkah di antaranya dengan relaksasi," paparnya.

Dijelaskan Heriani, teknik relaksasi bisa dilakukan selama 10-15 menit dengan melakukan pengaturan napas yang dilakukan secara perlahan atau dengan membayangkan suasana yang menenteramkan. "Bisa juga dengan mengganti pikiran negatif menjadi positif secara otomatis, misal? mungkin dia terlambat pulang karena macet dan HP-nya low batt'," ucapnya.

Atau bisa juga mengalihkan rasa kemarahan dengan menyibukkan diri sendiri untuk melakukan kegiatan lain. Walaupun kemarahan ini bersifat manusiawi, jika amarah yang terjadi membawa dampak negatif terutama dalam hubungan rumah tangga, maka yang seharusnya dilakukan adalah dengan menyikapi kemarahan dan jangan pernah untuk menghindari rasa kemarahan.