.. wait & see ..

.. shouldn't be easy just to say "let me get this straight ..." I'm sure if they just understood people a bit more i think a better rain would fall. I guarantee there wouldn't be any harsh word behind people back.

"selfish" perhaps that what people might call me for now, in my defense it's alright to feel lonely sometimes i harm no one. I will riding in the solution that i put out together with myself, i'll pass by all the cloudy skies. Though the tires won't spin line up, i just wonder who's hypocrite that won't step on the accelerator?

Even though waiting isn't my speciality, its too soon to start the scolding. Give me the power to endure what i cannot change, and also to change what i cannot endure. Are they intend to protect themselves with their cold attitude?

Is no fun to hurt, its because there's risk, that i become strong enough to fight. Its impossible not to be afraid. Especially when entire world against you and under-estimate the capability of my "brain", well there's always risk right when you're in social pressure. Nothing wrong with that people, and nothing wrong with me. People have their own judgment right?

I just wonder, if it will be easier if i run to somewhere far away but come think of that there's no way it should be. Because, no matter where i am ... I'm still ME right?

If i set the standard too high, i can drop it but if they set the key too hight can i ask them to drop it? no way .. they will talk about it behind my back with a smile on their face in front of me! Typical ...

Because i has strength that won't change, there's only one point where suffering can pass through --
Don't believe until you see all there is to see ..

.. i wish ..

.. "don't regret anything you do, in the end that what makes who you are" ..

I'm not going to say I'm sorry or regretting things that I did. I said what i need to say, if i don't have any courage to say it then i won't say a thing.

basically i don't even bother with what others might say about me, they decide how they want to judge me in their own term. I don't ask for their attention, i don't ask for their effort to be part of my life nor my circle. i don't even "force" them to be part of my circle, if i don't like them i don't even bother to pull myself out from the circle.

I get attached with people that could bring laughter to my life and my day, why would i spend my time with people who fake themselves to be part of the "community" .. for me, faking is tiring. But, that doesn't mean i never fake myself to please people, i did it because i have to is an obligation (well that's what i thought whenever i have to fake it).

i can share my moments with anyone whom i want to share with, i love to laugh with anyone that I'm comfortable with. When people talk behind my back i take it as "well, being a celebrity you can't please everyone, there's always a hater in every fans" is not easy to be the center of attention.

For every good deeds that we did is not always turns to be a good take out from others, don't expect to much from people because (this is what i think) most people are born opportunist - they tend to look for an opportunity for themselves instead of thinking about others. Some might turn out to be cruel or rude and some might be bluntly showing it that they want to be the spotlight. We just can't avoid it!

in my case, perhaps i'm not good enough with people around me or maybe my good deeds are not visible to those who see me as the main character in my life. Oh, well why bother at all ...

.. flexible ..

.. i'm typical person who doesn't like to argue nor confront, but that doesn't mean I'd always agree to what everyone have to say.

but, when somebody can't respect my timing and on how i act i just can't help it!

"mba, kamu patungan 100rb ya untuk kado ****"
"gw gak mau .. gw maunya patungan 70rb."
"gak bisa, karena kamu masuk itungan Director"
"laahh kok gitu, gw gak mau. gw cuma mau kasih 70rb aja. lebih dari itu gw gak ikutan chip-in"
"kok gitu.."
"ya gitu lah .. gw yang nentuin gw mau patungan berapa, not the other way around!"

and she just left! I never make any fuss for any chip-in amount on anything, but this one i just feel pissed "it's been settled" well, i don't take any order from anyone especially when it comes to some amount of money!

is not that i'm stingy or what, for me this chip-in thing is like an obligation and i hate to define that obligation for this one. is not that i'm being un-considerate but the situation and condition made me like this. I never argue or confront but once i dis-agree over something even my words express it well enough.

in hope i don't have to be the person who obligate people around me to chip-in for something that definitely i can afford to own it.

.. shouting ..

.. if you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that is will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there .. 

Mark Sloan - "Remember the Time" 

.. now is not the time ..

.. questions are popping inside my head.

"why push it if you know you can't?"
"why you need to own it, if you know you can't afford it?"
"why you need others to look up at you, when you know that's not you?"
"how can you live your life like that, those mortgage is killing your bills!"
"how did you manage your monthly expense with your current expenses?"
"...etc.."

I might not in a right position to judge them, because i've never been in their shoes, i don't know exactly how it feel to be like them.

how to manage the expenses? that's the biggest question from me to them

.. a case of me ..

.. a success is a myth. Love's the only true currency. After all this is done, all that really matters is how and who you loved ..

I don't even know .. what do i see in me? what's to say i won't just take off and leave whenever i want? that is kind of philosophy, right? When life gives me something better .. i just ... i take off! I'm waiting around till' something better comes along.

I just wait.

.. peer pressure ..

.. "don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love" ..

why should i feel stupid, if i don't like it. why should i feel left behind if i know i already set my own standard. I never even bother what people like or what people hate, i have my own judgement over something .. i have my own perspective.

I'm not looking for any spot in the crowd, i'm outstanding just the way i am, no need to shout to be seen no need to scream to let people know that you're existed. i have my own value i have my own character. i never push anyone to make friend with me, and i never force people to like me. because i won't let anyone to force me to make friends with person that i don't like.

why fake it if you can be yourself in front of everybody, i know how to be flexible and i know how to compromise. don't teach me to socialise and don't teach me to be friendly.

i'm making my point with my own way!

JUST BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE! I TRIED TO AVOID ANY MAINSTREAM SIDE

.. i still ..

.. who are you now? are you still the same or did you change somehow?
what do you do at this very moment when i think of you? Do you remember that?

Can't deny it! Just can't let you go!


I still care about you, i still feel you .. but still no word from you.

Now look at me, instead of moving on, i refuse to see
I'm still stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last

I've tried to fight it, can't deny it .. you don't even know!

Wish i could find you, then I would never let you go!

.. but still no word from you .. 

.. look before you leap ..

.. mencoba bertahan untuk tidak menulis apapun tentang segala sesuatu yang ada di sekeliling. tapi i couldn't help it ..

Ternyata mid-life crisis itu beneran ada ya, i thought it will only happens to older people (what i meant by older people are people in their mid 40's) it turns out people in their mid-30's experience the same thing.

Tadinya, gw berpikir bahwa itu hanyalah self actualisation dimana mereka butuh "pengakuan" di lingkungan sekitar bahwa mereka "existed" tapi ternyata tidak .. mereka juga butuh pengakuan atas achievement mereka dengan cara mereka sendiri. Well, if the tried to make themselves visible with a nice way i won't mind, most of them (yea .. most people i know) make them visible with (i don't know how would i describe it in polite way) .. *still have no clue*

ternyata dibalik semua achievement yang mereka raih, mereka bekerja extra keras untuk membayar semua tagihan kredit yang ada setiap bulannya, di balik semua branded stuff yang mereka pakai dan gunakan tak lain adalah hasil "opportunist" dari kado-kado yang mereka sudah ada wishlist nya ... dan ternyata tongkrongan di tempat-tempat hedonist pun tak luput dari gesekan yang menawarkan cicilan 3-6 bulan dengan bunga 0% .. OH MY!!!!

how can i not say a thing about this!!!

ternyata hidup untuk bisa "terlihat" itu berat yaa, padahal selama ini gw pikir menjadi terlihat tidak harus dengan usaha sebegitunya sih. Just be who you are and let people define you with your own character not by what you wear or what you can provide to the society!

*lesson learn*

.. happy ..

..

me: have we met?

him: eehhmm ... maybe

me: your face is familiar 

him: remind you of someone?

me: eehhmm... not really, but i just knew i've seen you somewhere

him: really..? 

me: yes .. but i'm not sure .. can't recall your face, but i can tell i've seen you before!

him: you're not trying hard enough to see me ..

me: am i?

him: ask yourself, what do you want? who you want to be ? and how it should be.

me: eehhmmm

him: see ... you're not even sure. 

me: ok.... i should try then!

him: see you .... in your dream! 

..

.. un-titled ..

.. hello ..

love,

-secret admirer- 

.. it happened (again) ..

.. it just happened! i don't know how and i don't know when, it just did!

and now i miss his smile, yes this person is un-expectedly come and give me this smile.

i can't even remember his voice, i can't picture him in my mind! trying to figure out his face in my mind so i can meet him in my dream ..