.. the judge ..

" I love you then, I love you now. " 

.. My Point of View ..

.. here we go, i'm keeping my emotion away from people whom i think is selfish. What i meant about selfish here is that this person required people to understand their feeling and sensitivity but the fact they cannot compromise with others.

kalau mau di jabarkan, ingin di mengerti tapi mereka tidak mau mengerti. no vice versa?? how can they socialize ya? That's the first thing that pop up in my head. The more i learn and observe about people, then i understand ... most of the time people around this person will fake it, in other words they will become a pretentious people or they will just be whatever that makes you happy ... what i can conclude all people around this kind of person are fake.

at first i never see it coming, but then i realize .. this how this person treat others. This person pushing people to understand her and know what this person been through. But, this person forget that other people have their own problems and situation. This person is been judgmental over something and react as if this person is an expert of the situation then this person will start analyzing in this person perspective ... no no no. You can't analyze every situation and problem in your own perspective and expect people to accept it. it's now how it works. simple thing with this person will become something that might disappoint this person. Yes i was there to give my ears, but the more i know about the situation from this person side, the more i know how selfish this person is. Why can this person take everything in a positive thought ...? not everything should be in everything we want right?

Example:
I asked simple question, is not that i don't know the answer i'm just trying to be "dumb" and asked about this un-important question to make a conversation ... and this person response it as if i know nothing at all. What on earth ..?? is just a simple topic to start a light conversation to talk about, is not about showing how broader your knowledge is ... as for me, i don't like to be seen as a smart person, it will be a burden. I let people judge me on that ... rather than me shouting about it! Then this person could intentionally judge people over something .. ohh boy!! This person expect a lot from people around this person! This person needs understanding, but this person can not be flexible?? *sigh*

I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to confront people, i know that my mouth is so harsh with words. But, i try my very best not to use it to push people to understand me .. i let people around me to be who they are, i will not force them to understand me i let them to be part of my "growing" process.

This person telling everything about me, which i hate it! me is all me, i shared my story to this person because i trust this person .. not for this person to have a press conference and open all of my stories to people that i don't barely know .. i ain't celebrity or superstar, my story are not for public consumption! Luckily i can manage my emotion over this, i don't want to start another argumentation over this.

This person, going through my stuff ... WHAT?! even my own parents and siblings never did that .. we're related in blood but we respect our personal belongings! And this person is like ripping off my personal belonging to other??? Sweet Lord!! I never even touch this person personal belonging, why on earth this person did that to me?? does this person know what "personal belonging" stand for??

I'm so grateful, i can keep my anger away with my adjustable emotion. I still learning to be flexible and being compromise for every situation. and every time i made a conversation it turns out that this person "judge" me with this person perspective. I see that this person can not accept any different opinion, everything has to be in this person perspective, this person can not tolerate any differences over an opinion for everything, is like "I KNOW EVERYTHING WELL ENOUGH!" again *sigh*

luckily i'm not so much a social media person who puts every anger and emotion through status or what ever on social media. I keep all the anger, happy thoughts and sadness in my own space ..

.. judge me ..

.. you think you know me? ..

my view on myself:
i'm down-to-earth and people like me because i'm so straightforward. I'm an efficient problem solver because i will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties

the type of guy that i'm looking for:
i like serious, smart and determined guy. i don't judge a book by it's cover, so good-looking guy aren't necessarily my style. this makes me an attractive person in many people's eyes.

My readiness to commit to a relationship:
I'm ready to commit as soon as i meet the right person. and i believe i will pretty much know as soon as i meet that guy. 

The seriousness of love:
i like to flirt and behave seductively. the opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why i will always have admirers hanging off my arms. but how serious am i about choosing someone to be in a relationship?

my view of education:
you may not like to study but i have many practical ideas. i listen to my own instincts and tend to follow my heart, so i will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for me:
i'm practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. knowing what i like to do is important, find a regular job doing just that and i'll be set for life.

How do i view success:
i'm confident that i will be successful in my chosen career and nothing will stop me from trying.

What am i most afraid of:
i'm concerned about my image and the way others see me. this means that i try very hard to be accepted by other people. it's time for me to believe in who i am, not what i wear.

who is my true self:
i'm full of energy and confidence. I'm un-predictable, with mood changing as quickly as an ocean. i might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

(http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx)

.. solo traveler ..

.. welcoming october!
new spirit new achievement new energy .. i've been energize! last month i made 8 days traveling alone, to get to know myself and hibernate from everything that keep running in my head! At first i felt terrified, but exciting! I can have my own moment to have a conversation between me and myself.

i've been planning this trip since April (if i'm not mistaken).
Saya terbiasa melakukan "perjalanan" bersama teman, entah itu berdua, berempat or bertiga. Even this wasn't my first time going solo, but somehow this was the very first time for me to do solo holiday! In my mind, i do need this to get to know of myself! I've been rude, i've been blunt and sometime i feel that I'm sarcastic towards my words to people ... i need to know why do i do that ..

and i need to know how good i am if i'm alone ... am i really that helpful? am i considerate? am i thoughtful? am i a bad person? do i bring negative aura for everything? am i smart enough with my guts? so many doubt in my head!

i need to clear out those questions from my head, and get to know better of my limit over people! to be honest i'm a bit tired of people around me that try to be "me" ... I feel flattered (for sure) but then i think do they really want to be me?? Why? what is it from me that they think interesting? my hobbies? my interest? or what?

Setiap kata, setiap perbuatan yang saya lakukan komen orang disekitar saya selalu "gw juga gitu..." atau "eh tapi gw juga gitu sih.." what on earth?? am i that good? am i that strong to give people aspiration? *sigh*

Ketika melakukan perjalan itu, saya diantar langsung oleh kedua orang tua saya ke Airport. Sebelum boarding saya sembahyang Maghrib dan Isya di Musholla dekat terminal keberangkatan saya. Selesai sholat saya langsung menuju terminal keberangkatan saya untuk bertolak menuju ke negara yang saya tuju. Tiba di negara tempat transit, langsung cari kado buat "special friend" lalu duduk menunggu untuk masuk ke pesawat yang membawa saya ke negara tujuan!

Tiba di negara tujuan pukul 8pagi, proses imigrasi pengambilan bagasi semua lancar! Hanya saja, dari airport hingga ke station dimana hotel tempat saya menginap hujan tidak berhenti ... menurut orang-orang setempat karena imbas taifun di hari sebelumnya .. tiba di station tempat saya berhenti, kembali di guyur hujan besar, menepi dan berteduh tetapi seketika keinginan untuk BAB tidak bisa dibendung akhirnya menuju kembali ke tempat station dan mencari kamar kecil, selesai itu saya kembali keluar dan masih ditemani hujan deras. Mau tidak mau saya harus membeli payung kecil untuk melindungi kepala dan tas saya dari air yang di curahkan dari langit.

Tiba di hotel, kemudian saya membayar kamar saya dan menitipkan koper saya. Dan saya kembali melanjutkan list perjalanan saya, walopun di temani hujan. Di sinilah moment saya mengenal diri sendiri lebih jauh ... WHO AM I! journey was started!

1. Considerate - ternyata saya cukup mempunyai tenggang rasa yang besar terhadap orang, ketika berpergian bersama orang lain, saya mengesampingkan keinginan saya dan mengikuti kemauan orang lain, walopun kadang hati saya tidak menginginkannya .. tapi saya ikuti. Di keluarga saya di ajarin untuk bisa meredam kemauan diri sendiri dan diajari utk tidak egois. Walaopun kadang (bukan kadang, tetapi lebih sering) apa yang saya inginin tidak tercapai pada akhirnya karena saya mendahulukan kemauan orang lain.
Mungkin ini yang kemudian di lihat orang-orang bahwa kepentingan saya tidak penting buat mereka. Mulai saat ini kemudian saya berbicara pada diri saya "I'm the one who will decide what i want, and what I don't want!"

2. Thoughtful - i tried very hard not to think about itty gritty souvenirs kind of things on this trip. Well, since i can't trust anyone on this (orang-orang yang gw percaya utk tidak membicarakan perjalanan gw ini, end up membuat press con dan membuat seluruh dunia mengetahuinya) dan saya adalah typical orang yang tidak suka membesar-besarkan perjalanan saya! Karena saya PALING BENCI DI TITIPIN!!! (di luar keluarga saya) karena typical orang Indonesia ketika mereka mengatakan "titip ini dong... titip itu dong" they don't give any penny! they don't even generously give pocket money for it! for me, money doesn't matter but their willingness to pay for the souvenirs that they asked does matter for me! Sorry to say, gak sedikit uang yang saya keluarkan untuk semua titipan yang end up they got it for FREE!! bukan bukan karena saya tidak menagih, tetapi lebih kepada malasnya saya ber argumentasi dengan orang yang menjawab "alaahh loe kan gak butuh uang..." or "pelit banget sih, duit loe kan banyak" atau bisa juga "masa kaya gini aja kudu bayar, Sher!" I HATE THOSE STATEMENT!!!! if they knew they don't own that much money, why bother to ask for souvenirs that they can not afford it? as simple as that right?
pada akhirnya, saya memang "senang" memberikan oleh2 kepada orang-orang yang saya anggap penting dalam dunia sosialisasi saya. and I don't asked for any penny on it! i sincerely bought and look for that souvenirs for people i care most.
disini saya berteriak kepada diri sendiri "Don't used me because i'm thoughtful!"

3. Compromise - ternyata saya banyak berkompromi dengan orang-orang disekitar saya. Karena dirumah saya di latih untuk bisa berkompromi dengan segala situasi dengan orang tua, kakak-kakak saya, adik saya dan ponakan2. Ketika orang mengatakan "salah loe, Sher. Harusnya kan kesini..." saya hanya meresponse "oohh iya sih ..." atau "loe gimana sih, Sher! gak bisa baca peta apa loe?" again gw hanya menjawab "masa sih? oohh harusnya kesana ya..." again saya hanya tersenyum pahit dan menertawakan kebodohan saya. atau misalnya ada orang bilang "bego loe, sher. " again saya hanya bisa memaklumi karena saya tetap harus memposisikan diri saya di level yang seharusnya saya berada. dan jujur i like to act like dumber instead playing role as a smart one! Because i know for sure, i'm smarter than them. If not why would they follow me? *again simple analytic*
most of people thought they are smarter than other, they feel like the only person who always got everything right is them! They're WRONG!! in this life there's no right and wrong, everything is a learning process .. and people must learn from the wrong and the right! not by judging other people action with their statement, they never put themselves on others people shoes. How can they judge people if they don't know the feeling to be them?
Jujur,  saya juga suka meng-judge orang dan kadang ngomongin orang tapi saya tidak pernah bilang bahwa "saya yang paling benar" atau "saya better than anyone else" *geleng kepala* tidak, karena dalam keluarga saya diajarkan untuk tidak menertawakan kesalahan orang lain or aib orang. Semua orang punya cacat, semua orang punya catatan, tapi bukan berarti catatan dan cacat itu bisa di jadikan bahan olok-olok.

4. ME AND MYSELF - quality time with your own is the most precious timing! I can be who ever i want to be, i can do whatever i want to do, i can buy everything i want to buy and i can eat whatever i want to eat. I don't need to think about others, i'm focusing on my only needs! it won't hurt anyone to be selfish once in a while ... need to think about our own happiness rather than to keep people happy! ketika kita pengen orang lain senang, apakah orang lain akan memikirkan hal yang sama? banyak orang di sekitar saya yang ingin di mengerti, tetapi mereka kesulitan untuk bisa mengerti orang lain. life doesn't go that way, if you want people to make you happy, first you need to make people around you feel comfortable .. if not they won't make you happy.
if you want people to be nice, then try to be nice with people around you. if you want to be appreciate, try to appreciate people around you. and if you want people to be free-handed ask yourself how generous you are with other?
ketika orang memberikan saya cap "pelit" i don't mind karena saya yang menciptakan hal itu, karena saya lebih prefer di bilang pelit daripada di bilang "picky" karena the truth about me adalah saya sangat pemilih dalam segala hal, makanan, baju, celana, sepatu, tas bahkan hal-hal kecil. I don't like to be control by society that's why i have my own style and character since i was a kid. and i keep that image consistently up till now ... tapi terkadang saya ingin berteriak di depan orang-orang yang berkoar tentang "kepelitan" saya tanpa tahu siapa saya sebenarnya ... HOW CAN YOU DEFINE STINGY IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!

5. Flexible - i'm easygoing. i follow the flow, where the crowd is i'm there. Since i was a kid i'd always be the center of attention, i don't know why. up till now the spotlight is in me! Proud? of course ... everyone knows me by name and by my face! most of the time, i forgot people's name and faces but people will never forget about me! I'm popular ... that's why i want to be invisible, i've been visible for too long.

most of all i value everything that happened in my life. I love being in a crowd, but i need sometime to have a conversation with myself to be better me!

can't wait for my next trip alone!! it will be marvelous!!!!