BG: You've fallen for him.
SB: I know .. I realized it a long time ago. I also realized the truth, but I refused to face reality.
BG: Why don't you counter him for what he did to you? Breaking his promises, used you and betraying for his own sake?
SB: Well, I always know that love is selfish. When I worked so hard for him, he feel pain too.But, I'm not going to blame anyone for this matters. In fact, I should thankful to that girls, if that girls hadn't spurred me on and given me a chance to work hard for him, perhaps I won't accepted my fate, show my calmness and give up.
BG: But, you've been improving to show that you care.
SB: There's only one thing that could win him over, and that thing I can't do. I won't do it for any reasons.
BG: You are what you are. That's what we like from you, no matter what you still keep that value in you!
SB: It's because I have such a friend like you guys! Thank you, guys!
(UnderGround SUSHI - April, 27th: 19.25wib - 21.40wib)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
.. falling ..
Feels like my life's been passing by
With happiness just being a lie
How did I get here, where am I going?
One more day without knowing
Struggling for one more breath
As I'm drowning in a painful death
Can someone reach out for me?
In this dark and dreary sea
'Cause it seems like no one can
Hear the voice that's calling
Try to take the most I can stand
But I keep falling
I try to chase the memories away
But they haunt me everyday
I hope I get over this phase
'Cause I'm stuck inside this haze
All I need is a simple lift
Such a sweet and precious gift
So I don't lose it all before
What I have left is nothing more
In my isolating misery
I feel like the epitome
Of darkness and despair
Just leading onto nowhere
Will I be able to win this race?
I'm running at a slow pace
Trying hard to press on
But the motivation's gone
It may not have to be this way
Waiting for me they could be a new day
Maybe I can revise
And escape from the lies
There could be something more
To what my life may have in store
I'll move from where I began
Keep on pressing through to the end
With happiness just being a lie
How did I get here, where am I going?
One more day without knowing
Struggling for one more breath
As I'm drowning in a painful death
Can someone reach out for me?
In this dark and dreary sea
'Cause it seems like no one can
Hear the voice that's calling
Try to take the most I can stand
But I keep falling
I try to chase the memories away
But they haunt me everyday
I hope I get over this phase
'Cause I'm stuck inside this haze
All I need is a simple lift
Such a sweet and precious gift
So I don't lose it all before
What I have left is nothing more
In my isolating misery
I feel like the epitome
Of darkness and despair
Just leading onto nowhere
Will I be able to win this race?
I'm running at a slow pace
Trying hard to press on
But the motivation's gone
It may not have to be this way
Waiting for me they could be a new day
Maybe I can revise
And escape from the lies
There could be something more
To what my life may have in store
I'll move from where I began
Keep on pressing through to the end
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
.. lie ..
You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know ... I'm ok with this silence
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
You're hiding regret in your smile
There's a storm in your eyes that's been passing for awhile
Hold on with all the lies and fake stories for tonight
Don't say a word
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
I'll make it through
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
Look me in the eye
And if you dare lie to me.
I know that there's no turning back.
If we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks.
Let's stay in the dark if you want too.
Don't want to know I'm ok with the silence.
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
Now look me in the eye .. and LIE!
Don't want to believe in this ending
Let the cameras roll on
Keep pretending
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away.
So lie to me by looking me in the eye
Why lie..lie...lie..
I've been dealing with those lies all the time
So, why bother with those lies again ..
But this time lie to me by looking straight in my eyes!
Got a look in your eye
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know ... I'm ok with this silence
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
You're hiding regret in your smile
There's a storm in your eyes that's been passing for awhile
Hold on with all the lies and fake stories for tonight
Don't say a word
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
I'll make it through
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
Look me in the eye
And if you dare lie to me.
I know that there's no turning back.
If we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks.
Let's stay in the dark if you want too.
Don't want to know I'm ok with the silence.
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
Now look me in the eye .. and LIE!
Don't want to believe in this ending
Let the cameras roll on
Keep pretending
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away.
So lie to me by looking me in the eye
Why lie..lie...lie..
I've been dealing with those lies all the time
So, why bother with those lies again ..
But this time lie to me by looking straight in my eyes!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
.. conversation ..
DA: Now I asked you .. how far would you go to keep those secrets inside of you? You know exactly, behind the mystery lies a truth that will make you question everything you know.
Me: It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I know. The hurts are still hurt.
DA: In what way you define hurt in you?
Me: I'm not hurt. I'm not broken of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Hurt will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. I will be the only angel that everyone need. Perhaps I will leave life even more beautiful than when I entered it. Heaven will take me back and look at me and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."
DA: I'm glad I still could hear those statement from you. Have you spoke to him?
Me: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to him.
DA: Why not?
Me: What I feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what I do. If people like me don't learn from what happened to people, then what the hell is the point of anything?
DA: Gosh...you're definitely to good for a man like him, dude!
Me: No..no...Not to good for a man like him, but I'm a better person because of him.
DA: Holly cow! It's such a pleasure to know a person like you in my life!
Me: And I'm glad we're friend!
(Pacific Place, Kenny Rogers: 20:12 - 22:45wib)
Me: It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I know. The hurts are still hurt.
DA: In what way you define hurt in you?
Me: I'm not hurt. I'm not broken of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Hurt will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. I will be the only angel that everyone need. Perhaps I will leave life even more beautiful than when I entered it. Heaven will take me back and look at me and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."
DA: I'm glad I still could hear those statement from you. Have you spoke to him?
Me: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to him.
DA: Why not?
Me: What I feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what I do. If people like me don't learn from what happened to people, then what the hell is the point of anything?
DA: Gosh...you're definitely to good for a man like him, dude!
Me: No..no...Not to good for a man like him, but I'm a better person because of him.
DA: Holly cow! It's such a pleasure to know a person like you in my life!
Me: And I'm glad we're friend!
(Pacific Place, Kenny Rogers: 20:12 - 22:45wib)
Friday, April 3, 2009
.. ikhlas ..
Berdebatan masih menjadi menu utama dalam hati gw selama hampir 2 bulan ini. Ini itu..ini itu. Gw sampe gak tau harus bagaimana lagi melawan semua suara-suara yang ada didalam diri gw.
Gw benci kalo harus membicarakan mengenai "feeling" gw. Dan gw juga benci jika orang bertanya mengenai "relationship" gw sama siapapun yang ada disekitar gw. Iyalah, gw tau gw cewek dan cewek biasanya (seharusnya) menjadi sangat emosional dan sensitif mengenai perasaan mereka, while I'm not. I'm extra ordinary girl. Karena gw bukan type cewek yang suka menanyakan "Terus ini sekarang hubungan kita gimana?" kepada lelaki yang "dekat" sama gw, atau "Sebetulnya loe gimana sih sama gw?". Eeewww .... harusnya kan semua itu bisa berjalan dengan sangat mudah dan nyata kan? Kalo emang di biarkan mengalir begitu saja.
Tapi tunggu, setelah banyaknya perdebatan yang ada dalam diri gw, berusaha untuk berkomunikasi dengan diri sendiri selama hampir 2 bulan ini, bicara dan memaksa diri gw utk kembali menganalisa lebih dalam lagi gw baru tau. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. I'm old enough to experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. Not to mentioned my personal one, it was hurt and very traumatic. I even still remember the detail of it.
I know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has ben, if we are still out there "dating", always an end up to the relationship. And the ending always SUCK! Well we do all aware of the statement "There's always something happen on the way to heaven" isn't it?
Jadi, kadang gw melihat banyak teman-teman cewek gw yang mempunyai strategi sendiri atau trik-trik mereka atau distractions to try to not notice that they might in fact be getting into relationship. Sekarang kalo gw bertanya pada diri sendiri "Apakah gw mau jadi wanita "insane" yang merong-rong lelaki untuk mengetahui dengan pasti ada apa sih sebenarnya antara kita pada saat pertama kali gw bertemu dengan pria?" GILA!! Gw gak mau jadi orang sinting itu ... I still have my pride to carry on!
Gw masih pengen jadi cewek yang enak buat di ajak hang out, enak buat diajak ngobrol dan curhat, enak buat di ajak garing-garingan, dan enak buat diajak beraktifitas. Dan itu adalah gw yang sebenar-benarnya. Tapi permasalahannya adalah gw masih bisa ngerasain "sakit" bisa ngerasain "kecewa", dan gw masih bisa bereaksi dengan bagaimana gw di perlakukan. Gw masih berharap dia mencari gw, menelepon gw, mengirimkan sms ke gw, gw masih juga berharap bahwa dia masih mau bertemu gw, hang out sama gw dan bertanya apakah dia juga excited bertemu gw? Dan tau gak rasanya itu I HATE THAT!
Mungkin itu hanya gw kali yaa, karena sekarang prioritas gw sudah berubah karena bertambahnya usia, sekarang gw gak mau hanya "jalan" saja sama lelaki yang dekat dengan gw atau "hangout" sama seseorang supaya terlihat bahwa gw gak sendiri-sendiri amat kok (walopun sebagian besar teman-teman gw lelaki), gw juga gak mau mengeluarkan banyak energi untuk mengekspresikan perasaan gw sehingga gw terlihat tidak terlalu terlibat dengan perasaan gw sendiri. Gw pengen terlibat di dalamnya, gw pengen dengan orang yang bener-bener bisa menghargai gw karena gw adalah gw dengan orang yang trustworthy dan honorable dan sayang sama gw. Bukan hanya orang yang berbasa-basi untuk menjadi egois dengan gw agar mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, ya mungkin pertamanya gw akan merasa "cautious" dengan berapa banyak yang sudah gw berikan, tetapi "pemberian" yang gw kasih itu nantinya jangan juga membuat mereka jadi merasa lebih "comfortable" sama gw: tapi seharusnya dan sudah sepantasnya gw tau bahwa gw emang delicate, valuable creature yang emang harus hati-hati dan memilih tentang siapa yang bisa mendapatkannya. Itu yang akan gw lakukan sekarang. And It's not going so badly!
Gw yakin, jika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu yang sangat gw sayangin saat ini, karena Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Amin.
(contemplating with myself)
Gw benci kalo harus membicarakan mengenai "feeling" gw. Dan gw juga benci jika orang bertanya mengenai "relationship" gw sama siapapun yang ada disekitar gw. Iyalah, gw tau gw cewek dan cewek biasanya (seharusnya) menjadi sangat emosional dan sensitif mengenai perasaan mereka, while I'm not. I'm extra ordinary girl. Karena gw bukan type cewek yang suka menanyakan "Terus ini sekarang hubungan kita gimana?" kepada lelaki yang "dekat" sama gw, atau "Sebetulnya loe gimana sih sama gw?". Eeewww .... harusnya kan semua itu bisa berjalan dengan sangat mudah dan nyata kan? Kalo emang di biarkan mengalir begitu saja.
Tapi tunggu, setelah banyaknya perdebatan yang ada dalam diri gw, berusaha untuk berkomunikasi dengan diri sendiri selama hampir 2 bulan ini, bicara dan memaksa diri gw utk kembali menganalisa lebih dalam lagi gw baru tau. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. I'm old enough to experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. Not to mentioned my personal one, it was hurt and very traumatic. I even still remember the detail of it.
I know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has ben, if we are still out there "dating", always an end up to the relationship. And the ending always SUCK! Well we do all aware of the statement "There's always something happen on the way to heaven" isn't it?
Jadi, kadang gw melihat banyak teman-teman cewek gw yang mempunyai strategi sendiri atau trik-trik mereka atau distractions to try to not notice that they might in fact be getting into relationship. Sekarang kalo gw bertanya pada diri sendiri "Apakah gw mau jadi wanita "insane" yang merong-rong lelaki untuk mengetahui dengan pasti ada apa sih sebenarnya antara kita pada saat pertama kali gw bertemu dengan pria?" GILA!! Gw gak mau jadi orang sinting itu ... I still have my pride to carry on!
Gw masih pengen jadi cewek yang enak buat di ajak hang out, enak buat diajak ngobrol dan curhat, enak buat di ajak garing-garingan, dan enak buat diajak beraktifitas. Dan itu adalah gw yang sebenar-benarnya. Tapi permasalahannya adalah gw masih bisa ngerasain "sakit" bisa ngerasain "kecewa", dan gw masih bisa bereaksi dengan bagaimana gw di perlakukan. Gw masih berharap dia mencari gw, menelepon gw, mengirimkan sms ke gw, gw masih juga berharap bahwa dia masih mau bertemu gw, hang out sama gw dan bertanya apakah dia juga excited bertemu gw? Dan tau gak rasanya itu I HATE THAT!
Mungkin itu hanya gw kali yaa, karena sekarang prioritas gw sudah berubah karena bertambahnya usia, sekarang gw gak mau hanya "jalan" saja sama lelaki yang dekat dengan gw atau "hangout" sama seseorang supaya terlihat bahwa gw gak sendiri-sendiri amat kok (walopun sebagian besar teman-teman gw lelaki), gw juga gak mau mengeluarkan banyak energi untuk mengekspresikan perasaan gw sehingga gw terlihat tidak terlalu terlibat dengan perasaan gw sendiri. Gw pengen terlibat di dalamnya, gw pengen dengan orang yang bener-bener bisa menghargai gw karena gw adalah gw dengan orang yang trustworthy dan honorable dan sayang sama gw. Bukan hanya orang yang berbasa-basi untuk menjadi egois dengan gw agar mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, ya mungkin pertamanya gw akan merasa "cautious" dengan berapa banyak yang sudah gw berikan, tetapi "pemberian" yang gw kasih itu nantinya jangan juga membuat mereka jadi merasa lebih "comfortable" sama gw: tapi seharusnya dan sudah sepantasnya gw tau bahwa gw emang delicate, valuable creature yang emang harus hati-hati dan memilih tentang siapa yang bisa mendapatkannya. Itu yang akan gw lakukan sekarang. And It's not going so badly!
Gw yakin, jika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu yang sangat gw sayangin saat ini, karena Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Amin.
(contemplating with myself)
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