.. confession ..

Here's the thing that I would like to tell you about ...

"I Love him ... I love him ... I do ... I don't care what people might think! I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is."

"Are you sure, he will be fair with you? He has to be fair with you, you love him ... if he doesn't love you, he got to let you know!"

"Well, I hate why love have to take a hard work."

"Hei, he's the one whose letting you in in his world and take control of it! At least he should show you his responsibilities on that."

"I'm the one who let him do that to me, aren't I?"

"You do it with his permission, if not I guarantee you're not that stupid to enter somebody life's."

"At least I could do something about it. I know it's not going to be easy with me, but at least I tried my best showing him I care. I'm exist no matter what, he had me at hello!"

"If you still have enough strength to hang on, do it! But, if you can hardly stand please released yourself from the hurt that he cause ok."

"He's a great guy, he's good. Even though it hurt me, I'm sure he has his own reason for that!"

"I have no idea why you still have that graceful think over him. He hurt you even worst each day!"

"I don't know, perhaps the hurt that he cause makes me stronger each day to face the faith that I will loose him someday."

"I love those smile on your face, even when you're hurt."

"Thank you, I keeping it for myself."

.. struggling ..

.. Lihat aku disini, kau lukai hati dan perasaan ini. Tapi entah mengapa aku bisa memberikan maaf kepadamu, mungkin karena cinta padamu tulus dari dasar hatiku.

Meski, kau terus sakiti aku cinta ini akan selalu memaafkan. Dan aku percaya nanti engkau, mengerti bila cintaku tak akan mati ..

.. Biar bintang tak datang, ku yakin hatiku hanya untuknya. Walau bintang menghilang ku sampaikan salam sayangku untuk mu. Meski mungkin aku yang harus pergi, tak apa tanpa harus ku mengerti.

Biar aku melangkah, menemani bintang, menerangi malam. Jangan resahkan aku, yang penting bahagia untuk dirinya.

Ku tak mengerti namun ku sadari, andai cinta tak datang haruskah ku jelang hampanya mimpiku, ketulusan cintaku biarlah terpendam di lubuk hatiku ..

.. alone ..

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
I hope that it won't end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone
(Alone - Heart)

.. revolutionize..

Here's the thing, it just get me into my madness turning point! When I read one of my friend blog, then I realize perhaps I made some stupid "analogy" about the "LIE" things in this person.

Enough with all the lies, here's some turning point that I get from the anger and hate that I have this couples of day. I've been very angry to know that person which is very close to me LIED! I do understand he would have known that he did, but to make it subtle he made it like nothing happened. He made lots of excuses over something that very simple, keep telling me those stories that makes me even dizzy hearing it! I just knew it when something might happened! I just sense it!

The turning point might be I have to accept the fate, show the calmness of myself and give up for every hard work that I did to this person. Even though, I don't know rather that he wants me to leave or not, better for me to take a decision to leave. I know it for sure, that I'm not quite ready for this decision that's why I should applaud myself for this. I had enough of fighting with my own.

Sometimes changes fears me. Because, for me changes are unpredictable and unexpected.
I don't know what's behind the corner. And I hate the feeling to face the changes. But, the weird thing is I hate being predictable, I need some color to fulfill my life. Colorful is better rather than only goes with one or two colors isn't it? Boring will come when it comes to predictable, I get bored easily when things are so predictable for me. Is not that I like the challenge being psychic or what, but when something is so predictable there wouldn't be any reason to have colorful in life isn't it?

I hate being in comfort zone, perhaps I'm too comfort with him, when I know that he lied (well, guess is un-predictable for me to know that he lied) I get SHOCKED! That will answer my fear for changes isn't it?

Honestly, I like to change for sake of mine! Sometime I want to wear skirt, wearing a tank top, having cute hair cut, I want to look like barbie doll, etc all the changes shouldn't be too dramatically in me! I still own my original characters thou! (",)

Now, I understand everybody change, so I have to embrace it aren't I?

But it's hard to embrace the changes toward the person that very close to me, when I feel there's some changes, he slowly or suddenly isn't the person that I think I know, maybe becoming a stranger in front of me. Weird .. Guess, it's normal if I suddenly become scared. I don't know how to react to this "new" person. I'm pissed, I'm mad, I'm disappointed and feel betrayed!

In my defense, what I can do is I try really hard to keep that person to be "the person that I know". I keep reminding him of the old days when he was like this or was like that.
I even try to make him guilty for changing, maybe because I feel that he has changed
because of "someone else". But, I get tired with all the hard work I did I'd only sigh with a broken heart as I looked at him and I whisper slowly, "You've changed."

Deep down inside I know I'm broken-hearted NOT because his changed, but because I can't keep up with his change. I become jealous of the new, shiny, more modern toy that he has now. It hurts when I know I can't keep up with his change.

The learning I get from the feeling is, sometimes he's not changed like the way I think he is. A part of him that wasn't so obvious in the past suddenly just becomes more prominent. But it was just there from the start. I just didn't realize it 'till now!

But, people do change so GET WITH IT! I change for myself aren't I? Well, lot's of people complaining that "You're so moody and change very fast!". Well, if I expect people to accept me the way I am, why can't I accept him for his changes.

It will be nice to be with someone that you can feel safe to grow and change together. Well, before that; I thought he could be the perfect combination of mine; But, people have their own option for the changes that they made.

*He go that way, I go this way. There's no TURNING BACK and NO TEARS!

(some of the statement I took it from Alia's blog)

.. curhat dari sisi aku ..

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"Tertangkapkah olehmu apa yang ku rasa. Terus ganggu hatiku sering kali ku ragu ...
Ragukan pedulimu dan tak yakin kesungguhanmu

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja ...

meski aku ada,tapi seperti tak ada. Aku disini, namun tak berarti

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja

Lihat.. lihat aku Izinkan sedikit egoku lakukan seperti mauku. Tataplah kedua mataku
Dan coba kira keinginanku

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku sulitkah... Bisakah... Kau pahami

Cobalah lihat dari sisi aku agar kau pahami coba kau dengar jerit hati kecil ini.
Cobalah tuk mengerti sedikit saja ... "

.. unknown feeling ..

Apakah yang engkau cari? Tak kau temukan di hatiku.
Apakah yang engkau inginkan? Tak dapat lagi ku penuhi. Begitulah aku, pahamilah aku.

Mungkin aku tidaklah sempurna, tetapi hatiku memiliki mu sepanjang umur ku. Mungkin aku tidak bisa memiliki dirimu ...

(tak bisa memiliki - samsons)