.. messing with serendipity ..

some people i met for this year, had their sadness and their disappointments. as for me, yea i've got my own sadness, my disappointment life is all about choices thou, i guess i need to stay bleeding to know i'm alive weren't i? that's why i'm always letting my life go wherever my foot bring me .. walk to the walk, or walk to the talk. name it .. my foot will surely bring me to that place.

i have many plans on my head to keep me going! i'm keeping myself excited everyday, every minutes, every second. i'm always excited waiting for tomorrow to come, because i had today. i shall not to worry about tomorrow. better preparing myself for the upcoming day ...

some events we can't predict, the tsunami, the earthquake, the recession, the typhoon, riots, i just knew that events came to remind us to be thankful, grateful and bless for every minutes that counts in our live! i met lots of people, learn some lessons from them, taking notes, did some review. not every people that i met were nice thou ... some of them were fake, few whose stay true, a bit of people taking an advantage .. once again life are full of surprises isn't it?

i never thought that i had many un-expected things going in 2011 for myself! My mom told me once "expect nothing, and you'll be surprise!" yea she got that right! actually, i'm quite surprise myself for what happened in 2011 for my life ... not everything were nice, but most of them are precious and of course bring lots of surprises to me!

this year i learn how to control my anger, my temper and of course my emotion toward people i don't like. lucky me, have lots of great people around me, family that always been there for me through bad and my dumb moments. but for this year, i'm more in to ignorance person. is not that i don't care, but more to not paying attention to what happened around me. i'm just trying to enjoy being "me" ... and it feels so good!spent most my entire year for myself!!

the only regret that i had for 2011 was, i never had any chance to tell the "one" that i miss him for almost 7,5years (or is it 8 years?) .. and i had a crush on him many years ago, and still i am (now!), but i realize now it's not a crush the moment i met him on Sept 2011 at Hachiko Statue, right then i knew it was called "falling". yea.. i still like him, i like him a lot!

If we never make it back, to who we used to be... i hope God know i've tried! i just don't want to wake up tomorrow with our memories filled with sorrow, i'd rather smile when i remember him.
hoping when he found someone (or he already has someone) i won't even fight, and i won't forget to always remember him. felling him is the hardest, i've been missing him the longest without seeing him, or hearing his voice! the way he acted, well i don't blame him but anyway he's always on my mind.

so, i said to myself i have to let my heart move on, even i will never forget that january to december i'd always remember him! i will walk through life, no i won't regret this feeling. i won't forget the feeling and will always remember this feeling!

i just want to smile every time i remember him! i won't even fight it this time ...

there you go .. i said it! welcoming 2012 with lots of smile and open arms!

life's go on, so does my life!
do more, give more and love more! That's new year all about!!

.. pay it forward ..

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Steve Jobs

.. cynical ..

.. and I have come to realize that he's just a guy, a special one maybe, but he's not mine. And I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would ..

"noted!"

.. the one that got away ..

I'm not even gonna get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest out of the people I thought the highest of.

.. un-plan ..

“what are you going to do with your life?" that question appearing in my head this morning.

in one way or another it seemed that people had been asking me for this like... forever; my parents, friends, but the question had never seemed this pressing and still i were no nearer an answer... have no clue about it.

"Live each day as if it's your last", that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? what if it rained or i would felt a bit glandy? it just wasn't practical. better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. not changing the world exactly, but the bit around me. cherish my friends, stay true to my principles, live passionately and fully and well. experience new things. love and be loved, if i ever get the chance.... again!”

.. un-told ..

me: Even though this is clearly impossible, it's amazing!
myself: It's not meant to be.
me: No, don't say that. Something must've happened.
myself: One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to.
me: Don't give up on him.
myself: I'll wait!

(Lake House)

.. one day ..

most of people asked me the same question. "why are you still single?"
to answer those question, my response is simple "well, i'm alone but that doesn't mean i'm lonely thou.."

i have a great family, and have a blessing friends around me. not many, but most of them are bring me lots of blessing. nothing to complain. some of them asked "don't you need some shoulder to cry on when you needed?". and to answer that question i said "i have my imaginary friend that always appear whenever i need it." well i rather to keep it for myself.

well, the story of my life is i keep everything at a distance. include my feeling for ... HIM!

It's nice.
It's safe.

no one get hurts ... lovely!

.. さようなら ..

Q: How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without?

Me: I didn't say good bye, I didn't say anything. I just walked away.

.. ignore ..

“She had tried to forget him, realizing the inutility of remembering. But the thought of him was like an obsession, ever pressing itself upon her. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing.”

(The Awakening)

.. nothing ..

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "If you see this guy can you tell him where I am?"
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do. How can I move on when I'm still in love with you.

'Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving, I'm not moving'

I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"

(The Man Who Can't Be Moved -- The Script)

.. brain ..

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

(Kathleen Kelly -- You've Got Mail)

.. unspoken ..

"Lord Knows I tried."

.. un-spoken ..

X: Why do you keep them? You should just throw them out.
Y: No. No, I couldn't do that.
X: Why not?
Y: If I threw these keys away then those doors would be closed forever and that shouldn't be up to me to decide, should it?
X: I guess I'm just looking for a reason.
Y: From my observations, sometimes it's better off not knowing, and other times there's no reason to be found.
X: Everything has a reason.
Y: Hmm. It's like these pies and cakes. At the end of every night, the cheesecake and the apple pie are always completely gone. The peach cobbler and the chocolate mousse cake are nearly finished... but there's always a whole blueberry pie left untouched.
X: So what's wrong with the blueberry pie?
Y: There's nothing wrong with the blueberry pie. Just... people make other choices. You can't blame the blueberry pie, just... no one wants it.

(My Blueberry Nights -- conversation between Elizabeth and Jeremy)

"I wanna tell you how I feel, but I'm scared. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of you not feeling the same way. Scared of falling harder."

.. first train home ..

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

Disappointment is another way of God saying "I have a better plan for you, just wait and be patience and leave the rest to me."

It's always nice to hear GOD always has something for you, a key for every problem, a light for every shadow, a relief for every sorrow & a plan for every tomorrow.

.. un-titled ..

.. Faith allows impossible things to happen.It is the force that comes from a fearless heart and when a fearless heart believes, miracles begin ..

.. Love Makes Things Happen ..

Deep in the heart love has many ways
Of touching your emotions taking control of you
And even in thought love can make you change
There's no way of controlling love when it's part of you

Love can pull you deep into a spell
It will spin your mind around like a carousel

I'm telling you love makes things happen
You never know where it's coming from
You never know who you're gonna love

There's never a time
'Cause love will let you know
Love appears at the worst and even the best of times
Takes over your mind
Your heart is not your own

.. pebbles ft babyface ..

.. question of faith ..

"We've all been in love, but we never know it's not true love until it's over. So what if Maybe there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there is no such thing as true love, and we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are. What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist?"

talking to myself again .. that night was as much a surprise to me as it (maybe) was to him. But meeting him (again) was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after we left, I just laid there on my bed in my hotel, staring up at those ceiling, and - after a while they just started forming a pattern, this weird pattern that linked together my entire "don't know what" feelings. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me - like one logical progression. It felt like him and I were the greatest un-plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Meeting him made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen un-planned!! Nothing will ever hurt me as much as his reaction to that same experience.

"Why was it a mistake?"

.. fortunate accident ..

Me: So are you gonna meet your girlfriend now or what?
Unknown: No, I think she's out probably doing what you're doing.
Me: Getting a crush on somebody else's boyfriend? No, I'm sorry, I just meant I had a really nice time. You know, maybe you should give me your phone number. Just in case.
Unknown: In case of what?
Me: In case of life. I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.
Unknown: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now.
Me: Maybe we're supposed to meet on British time and we're five hours too early.

Talking to myself: Maybe the absence of signs is a sign.

(Serendipity -- a fortunate accident)

.. tranquil ..

“Most people don’t know what they want or feel. And for everyone, myself included, it’s very difficult to say what you mean when what you mean is painful. The most difficult thing in the world is to reveal yourself, to express what you have to… I feel that we must try many things - but above all, we must dare to fail. You must have the courage to be bad - to be willing to risk everything to really express it all.”

Happy Ied Mubarak People!

.. heart voice ..

“As I stared at the books, I suddenly understood that I didn’t know a hell of a lot about anything. What it was that seemed to move me then was that learning was important… I vowed, right then, to learn something new every day. It was a deep revelation, something I felt throughout my whole self.”

.. pain ..

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

Well even someone close to you, could cause you that kind of pain without they noticing it.
What I believe is sometime, we often said something that we're not meant to, but it does give someone "hurt" feeling. That someone surely give me some notes, that notes surely will remain in my heart.

As for me, I'll keep it on my smile, and taking a notes to does words. No worries, I won't ask anything in return ... I've been told that every action I took and every words I spoke, it will leaves some "marks". Hopefully it will be good ... If it wasn't than hopefully they knew, I never meant to hurt anyone ...

.. motivation ..

I don't think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good. -- Oprah Winfrey

I'm responsible for everything I did, I said, and even for my every actions I made. My parents often told be "What you need to know for sure is that what you give comes back to you."

.. sassy girl ..

“you know what fate is?”

“building a bridge of a chance for someone you love.”

.. story ..

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't.

everybody would love to have an happy ending, sometime the story itself doesn't have any happy ending at all! We write it, we dream it, we imagine it, and yet we WANT IT to be REAL!!

We assumed so we can get what we want, and we can get our expectation be real! MANAGING HEART is easy to hear, but to take an action of it I don't think it's easy. It will require lots of efforts not to mention our energy to manage and control our feeling! Because, the bad things about expectation sometime when it gets stronger the "hope" eventually pop up and will make us losing our mind! Instead of using our logical thinking, we used our feeling to do all the "silly" actions!

Don't be surprise, because when the result is not what we're expected; we will feel dumb, hurt, disappointed, or maybe it will become anger .. because we're having a platonic feeling. Don't be mad, don't be sad just enjoy the moment. For my experience I'm mad of myself of being so dumb, but the next day I will laugh at myself, it feels good to be dumb and laugh about it after rather than feeling dumb but feeling sorry for it.

That's why I have my own definition toward FAITH and DESTINY! Smile people!! Smile ...

.. selfish ..

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

We don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but our own. And when we mess with one part of a person’s life, we’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, we can’t be that precise and selective. When we mess with one part of a person’s life, we’re messing with their entire life.

.. reflection ..

.. some people tend to talk but only few of them would take an action for every single words ..

The hardest part is when you have to reflect all the words from your mouth in to your action!

"A reflection of an exact image is the closest thing to you-so that you can see it-but it's far enough away so that you really understand it. There is real life in this movie, but it hovers just an inch above reality."

Most people, yes I said most of them! They tend to do exactly the things they said they against it! BLAH!! I don't buy those supporting words that came from people whose not even better than me (in my believe).

I did that too most of the time! But, I tried not to mis-judge anyone over their action thou ... will it be contradictory if you said you against it but happens that you did it for your own good?

Pitiful, that things was done by someone close to you ...

.. sometime ..

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

.. crazy little thing called love ..

.. all of us have someone who is hidden in the bottom of the heart. when we think of him, we will feel like .... (humming) always feel like a little pain inside. but, we still want to keep him. Even though I don't know where he is today.. what he's doing...but, he is the one who makes me know this .. a little things called LOVE ..

.. rude boy ..

"I may not like what you are doing but i respect who you are; because maybe who you are tomorow will be better than who i am today"

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then...

.. easy ..

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.

No matter what our achievements might be, we think well of ourselves only in rare moments. We need people to bear witness against our inner judge, who keeps book on our shortcomings and transgressions. We need people to convince us that we are not as bad as we think we are.. even though we know we're a bad person for some reason.

.. The Social Network ..

2011 is a year of ignorance for me. I will force myself to be selfish!

I have to concern more, on how I feel, and how I will react toward anything! I won't care about what people concern and reaction for all my actions! I know the bad things about knowing everything is not good for me, I knew it in a first place already.

Silence is the best solution to support my selfishness this year!

" How many times can we turn our heads and pretend we cannot see. "

.. sakura romance ..

“Everyone has the right to believe and accept what he or she wants, but reality doesn’t discriminate. Reality is not different for different people. Not once has reality excused anyone for good intentions ignorance or stubbornness. Reality shows no mercy, accepts no excuses, and issues no pardons.”

I have my own believe and I have my own way to accept anything that I want. Reality is just reality and the definition of the reality itself remain the same thou .. different people will take the definition with different thought, whose to blame? NO ONE!

Every little thing I do, I hope it will brings goodness inside of me, I never thought I would give any good impact to people around me. Well, who am I anyway. I will do good, for people whose been good, as for some bad people ignorance is the best word for them. I don't really give any "shit" to those people. Since, I'm not good at all (I mean in my understanding).

Gossips, rumors, wussy wussy words .. I'm listening, but I never care that much. Well, I always be the center of the attention, I can ignore that. Lot's of people can't take their eyes of me thou ... :)

Through the good and the bad words for me..I'm still me! so BE IT!!

.. work it out ..

“I know exactly how that is. To teach somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive.”

the least I can say is LISTEN. Is it to much? Stop defending with wussy wussy words that I don't even asked. All I'm asking is only simple questions, and I don't expect long answers without any points.

No wonder, lots of people will get mis-perception over something. They get panic, they get frustrated, depressed, stress .. and many more. Because, they wont listen, they don't know how to sort words from other people. In my understanding of listen is when you talk with people the flow of it would be listen-digest-understand-response .. is not that hard isn't it?

Lately, only few people who know exactly how listen in proper way.

.. 2011 ..

As always.. I never make any resolution or list for each years I passed. For me.. Let it be. Why do I need any list of plans if most of it alredy been planned by our creator. Well, is not that I’m un-planned person, I’m well organized for almost everything. I will feel pissed if something is not in the right track. I hate un-consistent people, people who doesn’t respect other people time, people that change in very last minute.

People will make long list for this new year, for me just be it. That’s why my parents name me after a song called Que Sera Sera — what ever will be will be. What people say about me just let it be, people have their own thought. For people who scolded me behind my back, be grateful meaning they do care about me thou. For people who hate me, thanks for sharing their blessing through hate in their heart.

For people who treated me unkind, may all the kindness always be a part of my journey. People who lied to me, through all the lies I heard I know the truth is always taking a big role in my life. People who thought that I’m their competitors I’m thankful that my heart is bigger than any opponents I have in life.

I’m so grateful through all this year my parents, my family, my lil crews always support me and giving their shoulder for me to lay on. Have a great 2011 people!!!