.. i wish ..

.. "don't regret anything you do, in the end that what makes who you are" ..

I'm not going to say I'm sorry or regretting things that I did. I said what i need to say, if i don't have any courage to say it then i won't say a thing.

basically i don't even bother with what others might say about me, they decide how they want to judge me in their own term. I don't ask for their attention, i don't ask for their effort to be part of my life nor my circle. i don't even "force" them to be part of my circle, if i don't like them i don't even bother to pull myself out from the circle.

I get attached with people that could bring laughter to my life and my day, why would i spend my time with people who fake themselves to be part of the "community" .. for me, faking is tiring. But, that doesn't mean i never fake myself to please people, i did it because i have to is an obligation (well that's what i thought whenever i have to fake it).

i can share my moments with anyone whom i want to share with, i love to laugh with anyone that I'm comfortable with. When people talk behind my back i take it as "well, being a celebrity you can't please everyone, there's always a hater in every fans" is not easy to be the center of attention.

For every good deeds that we did is not always turns to be a good take out from others, don't expect to much from people because (this is what i think) most people are born opportunist - they tend to look for an opportunity for themselves instead of thinking about others. Some might turn out to be cruel or rude and some might be bluntly showing it that they want to be the spotlight. We just can't avoid it!

in my case, perhaps i'm not good enough with people around me or maybe my good deeds are not visible to those who see me as the main character in my life. Oh, well why bother at all ...

.. flexible ..

.. i'm typical person who doesn't like to argue nor confront, but that doesn't mean I'd always agree to what everyone have to say.

but, when somebody can't respect my timing and on how i act i just can't help it!

"mba, kamu patungan 100rb ya untuk kado ****"
"gw gak mau .. gw maunya patungan 70rb."
"gak bisa, karena kamu masuk itungan Director"
"laahh kok gitu, gw gak mau. gw cuma mau kasih 70rb aja. lebih dari itu gw gak ikutan chip-in"
"kok gitu.."
"ya gitu lah .. gw yang nentuin gw mau patungan berapa, not the other way around!"

and she just left! I never make any fuss for any chip-in amount on anything, but this one i just feel pissed "it's been settled" well, i don't take any order from anyone especially when it comes to some amount of money!

is not that i'm stingy or what, for me this chip-in thing is like an obligation and i hate to define that obligation for this one. is not that i'm being un-considerate but the situation and condition made me like this. I never argue or confront but once i dis-agree over something even my words express it well enough.

in hope i don't have to be the person who obligate people around me to chip-in for something that definitely i can afford to own it.

.. shouting ..

.. if you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that is will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there .. 

Mark Sloan - "Remember the Time" 

.. now is not the time ..

.. questions are popping inside my head.

"why push it if you know you can't?"
"why you need to own it, if you know you can't afford it?"
"why you need others to look up at you, when you know that's not you?"
"how can you live your life like that, those mortgage is killing your bills!"
"how did you manage your monthly expense with your current expenses?"
"...etc.."

I might not in a right position to judge them, because i've never been in their shoes, i don't know exactly how it feel to be like them.

how to manage the expenses? that's the biggest question from me to them

.. a case of me ..

.. a success is a myth. Love's the only true currency. After all this is done, all that really matters is how and who you loved ..

I don't even know .. what do i see in me? what's to say i won't just take off and leave whenever i want? that is kind of philosophy, right? When life gives me something better .. i just ... i take off! I'm waiting around till' something better comes along.

I just wait.