.. friendly banking ..

.. dilemma and a bit feel used by some people. i feel grateful that most of people think i'm fortunate in every way. even thou i'm not into classy branded nor expensive stuff. i'm more into loyal person toward the brand that used.
Yes, i do have some branded stuff, but i wear it occasionally and i'm not wearing it to the office. i have my reason on that .. my parents never teach me to be expose by brand, and never let people judge you by the brand or things that you wear. let them see who you are by being the true you!
rather than that, for some reason i manage my financial well .. i'm not saying very well, because in some part i still have lack of financial management on this. why i'm saying that i still have lack of financial management, because up till now i don't how to do mortgage and i don't know how to do installment. honestly i have no idea the process and how to make one! Well, because my parents often told me why would you buy something that you cannot afford it.

at first i feel good, some of my friends look for me whenever they need to borrow some money. second time, i still feel good and blessed because i'm lucky comparing to them ... but then when the time they need to return the money that they borrow there's some delay. at first (again) i feel it's ok, perhaps they forgot or they still have money to return it. a week, 3 weeks and it's almost 2 months. tried to ask politely why it took them so long to return they money that they borrow? the answer can i settle my debt by installment? *sigh* i'm not the person who like to chase people for the responsibility that supposed to be them. Borrowing money and keeping promise to return it is their responsibility .. they don't need anyone to remind them to return the money that they borrow right?

Don't they feel anxious to have debt to other person? don't they feel sorry they still have debt to other people, and still manage their "classy" life style? I don't know how to put it. But, yet i feel really pissed because of this ... i earn that money, i manage my saving, i even still have my piggy bank at home for my weekly saving .. not to stay classy for people to see how fortunate i am, but more into i like to manage my financial. i still have my financial agenda for my daily expense ... i have it since i was in elementary school. I keep track to all my expense from time to time.

i have my moment when i want to be classy .. i do shop, and most of my things are branded not cheap one, but i still can manage my expense without borrowing any money from anyone. I value every penny that i earn and i save ... if i feel pissed now because people who borrow money from me can not value the money, and i don't know why. is it because they don't earn it? or because they got it from someone that lend them their money?

I never take any advantage from people who borrow my money, i don't even bother them with my reminder to return my money in such a timing that i want. all i want is to value me as a person as their friend not their friendly bank that could give them money anytime they want. i don't want to claim myself as a generous person ... but i feel used by my own friend because of that! and i don't like it ...

i have some friend that often asked for gift whenever i'm traveling, some of them asked me to buy things they want .. and i'm not taking any penny from them. not because i want people to see me as a generous person, but more into i value the friendship between us, but it turns out they don't value me as their friend in fact they taking me for granted. and now slowly i'm becoming a person that is very stingy for every little thing. and i hate to be one of that person!

and most of the time, people who borrow money from me they tend to be more snob comparing to me ... *sad* i force myself to say no to people who will borrow money from me .. but i don't have a heart because they're my friend. we should help people in need right? but then i asked myself... what is the definition of in need if they have expensive life style comparing to me? can i say that they're in need? but they still can afford to eat at fine dining restaurant, hang out in some cafe, going to the mall almost everyday ... is even makes more sad because i feel stupid, my own friend making used of me ...

shall i become one of them, and say i don't have extra money for people to borrow? can i be that strict on this? or can i teach them how to value their financial thing and start to value their friendship without seeing that i can provide them extra money whenever they need?

.. treasure ..

.. treasure, that is what you are. honey, you're my golden star. I know you could make my wish come true.

You're everything I see in my dreams. I wouldn't say that to you if it wasn't true ..

.. creationist ..

.. my memory is bad, so I always tend to forget how it goes.. but, life is my creation, is my best friend. Imagination is my defense, and i'll keep walking when skies are grey whatever happens was meant that way.

You're no better or no worse than the others. We are all the same and life is just a moment you might as well enjoy this day. It's time to start believing that everything you want is on it's way ..

- Kerli - creationist - 

.. blind ..

conversation with a friend. i know i'm not the right person to judge or giving my opinion. because i'm not expert ... what i can give is a blunt statement.

me: let me ask you this ... does he pick you up? at home? at the office?
her: no .. we met somewhere, why would he come to my office?
me: well, what i can say this man is a bastard! that's for sure. sorry for that ... but i can tell he's a player thou ...
her: how could you have that judgement, you don't even know him!
me: oohh c'mon ... don't get carried away with your own feeling over this man. love is blind i know it for sure! but, you need to understand the situation that you're dealing here. don't put those denial and defensive form over your feeling for this man! it won't make him change his mind! he's not in to you ... i can tell!
her: you're so rude! how could you ... the signs is there, he has feeling for me, it just that he got this issue that he needs to take care before making any commitment with me ... you don't know him! from the very start i'm talking about him you already hate him! you're so cynical when i told you about this man!
me: i'm not being rude! i'm just putting myself into his shoes. i'm surrounded  by all male friends, and for them there's no mixed messages. if he likes you, you can tell by his action ... i can't tell you how, but you just know it! trust me ... i just don't want to see you get disappointed by your own expectation! females have thousands answers for their doubts and most of it is all what they want to hear ... c'mon it only happens in the movies!
her: but you don't know him! how can you tell that he is a jerk without knowing him!! -- my friend already get pissed by my statement 
me: you told me everything about him ... i don't need to know him to know that he's a jerk! i can tell ... based on your story. Now, answer my questions ... and be honest, don't try to defend him it's between us! even thou i know that most of your answer will be no .. but let me ask you the simplest question to defend my statement over him .. how's that?
her: *sigh* ... ask me. I can proof you wrong!
me: does he ever called you? or he just communicate with you through text by whatsapp or bbm?
her: well, most of the time is whatsapp ...
me: *nodding* i bet he's to busy to dial your number right? *nodding again*
       does he look for you when you got missing? 
her: i look for him ... i texted him.
me: does he ever pick you up at your home?
her: i don't want my parents to ask about him ... so we meet at the place at somewhere.
me: well, he is your friend right? is not that your parents going to ask him to marry you right away, they should know with who you hang out with right? any girls would love to have a man pick her up at home... am i right?
her: for me .. at this stage i don't want him to pick me up at home.
me: whose paying for your dinner or lunch date?
her: we share ...
me: *nodding again* does he wait for you?
her: i wait for him, he's the one who always work late
me: does he ever over you a ride home?
her: i'm driving my own car, and he's taking a taxi
me: he can drive you home first, and get a taxi from your place right? 
her: *silence...*
me: for me is clear enough! i'm stick in to my gun ... he's a bastard! 
her: *silence and continue drinking her green tea latte*

is all clear! men are simple, they don't know the definition of mixed messages. if they want it they will make it happens! as simple as that! don't ruin your life with some jerk who tried to play with your feeling and making you an option! you should ask yourself "what's in it for you" ... i'm not saying all men are bastard some men are born to be shy, but when men like you, you can tell right away by experience his action to you! respect yourself ... be gentle with your feeling, don't lower down your pride to win over your feeling

you deserve better man to treat you as a lady not an option!

.. the accidental ..

here go another year with no resolution! I'm not a kind of person with resolution. Going with the flow is more like it, i'd always love how the water flow works. they don't have any plan where to stop nor have any clues which direction they will heading.

for some reason i'm a bit scared about what might awaits me ahead, but "scared" is the other words to keep your life more colorful right? if you know what might you see ahead you will loose all the fun in your life! The truth, i like (well ... honestly) i love fortune teller, and how they read the future through their tarots card, palm reader or their aura reading it was fun .. but that wasn't for something that will stick on my head. Deep down inside i do believe everything was written long time ago when i was born by our Creator ... GOD!

God already have plans for every human being that One made, for sure! as for now, in 2013 i experienced many things. The ego of me by being a good friend for someone, the things that i shouldn't hear but i heard eventually, being demotivated by my own supervisor, being told "overrated" behind my back through mails that i weren't supposed to read but i read, being said that i'm lack of performance and indiscipline with my approved leave by the HRD that didn't know about the history ... is all personal! Well, i'm laughing .. because all those drama were making my life more colorful ... all the roller coaster ride is there ... oohh how i love dealing with those kind of people! They're bad, but you need to meet those bad people to know what kind of person are you!

2013 was blessed, i met many bad people .. with their bad attitudes, their snobbish characters, who can't accept person who is more than me. As a person i'm irritating and annoyed .. i've been raised and taught by the great parents ... i know how to react and i know how to manage my attitude.

God is been good to me all the time. I always heard the things that I shouldn't know, because I know God's wants me to accept those things with "maturity" in me. While I'm listening to those things .. i smiled, and be grateful i'm still "someone" to somebody ... they talked about me behind my back, I don't need to be a celebrity to be talk behind my back right? those hatred is giving me a good reason to be better person ... I'm bless that someone hates me, because they're dying to be me!

I don't have many friends, but i do have some qualified people around me, not much but the numbers is just perfect for me! I don't need many people to be around me with the fake smile, fake laugh, or fake sympathy in front of me... i just need a few sincere people that could give me "harsh" words when i need it, and tough scold when i want it! I'm blunt and straight forward who can stand with my attitude that way ...

Let's have rolling 2014 ... let's start roller coaster ride this year!!!