.. now is not the time ..

.. questions are popping inside my head.

"why push it if you know you can't?"
"why you need to own it, if you know you can't afford it?"
"why you need others to look up at you, when you know that's not you?"
"how can you live your life like that, those mortgage is killing your bills!"
"how did you manage your monthly expense with your current expenses?"
"...etc.."

I might not in a right position to judge them, because i've never been in their shoes, i don't know exactly how it feel to be like them.

how to manage the expenses? that's the biggest question from me to them

.. a case of me ..

.. a success is a myth. Love's the only true currency. After all this is done, all that really matters is how and who you loved ..

I don't even know .. what do i see in me? what's to say i won't just take off and leave whenever i want? that is kind of philosophy, right? When life gives me something better .. i just ... i take off! I'm waiting around till' something better comes along.

I just wait.

.. peer pressure ..

.. "don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love" ..

why should i feel stupid, if i don't like it. why should i feel left behind if i know i already set my own standard. I never even bother what people like or what people hate, i have my own judgement over something .. i have my own perspective.

I'm not looking for any spot in the crowd, i'm outstanding just the way i am, no need to shout to be seen no need to scream to let people know that you're existed. i have my own value i have my own character. i never push anyone to make friend with me, and i never force people to like me. because i won't let anyone to force me to make friends with person that i don't like.

why fake it if you can be yourself in front of everybody, i know how to be flexible and i know how to compromise. don't teach me to socialise and don't teach me to be friendly.

i'm making my point with my own way!

JUST BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE! I TRIED TO AVOID ANY MAINSTREAM SIDE

.. i still ..

.. who are you now? are you still the same or did you change somehow?
what do you do at this very moment when i think of you? Do you remember that?

Can't deny it! Just can't let you go!


I still care about you, i still feel you .. but still no word from you.

Now look at me, instead of moving on, i refuse to see
I'm still stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last

I've tried to fight it, can't deny it .. you don't even know!

Wish i could find you, then I would never let you go!

.. but still no word from you .. 

.. look before you leap ..

.. mencoba bertahan untuk tidak menulis apapun tentang segala sesuatu yang ada di sekeliling. tapi i couldn't help it ..

Ternyata mid-life crisis itu beneran ada ya, i thought it will only happens to older people (what i meant by older people are people in their mid 40's) it turns out people in their mid-30's experience the same thing.

Tadinya, gw berpikir bahwa itu hanyalah self actualisation dimana mereka butuh "pengakuan" di lingkungan sekitar bahwa mereka "existed" tapi ternyata tidak .. mereka juga butuh pengakuan atas achievement mereka dengan cara mereka sendiri. Well, if the tried to make themselves visible with a nice way i won't mind, most of them (yea .. most people i know) make them visible with (i don't know how would i describe it in polite way) .. *still have no clue*

ternyata dibalik semua achievement yang mereka raih, mereka bekerja extra keras untuk membayar semua tagihan kredit yang ada setiap bulannya, di balik semua branded stuff yang mereka pakai dan gunakan tak lain adalah hasil "opportunist" dari kado-kado yang mereka sudah ada wishlist nya ... dan ternyata tongkrongan di tempat-tempat hedonist pun tak luput dari gesekan yang menawarkan cicilan 3-6 bulan dengan bunga 0% .. OH MY!!!!

how can i not say a thing about this!!!

ternyata hidup untuk bisa "terlihat" itu berat yaa, padahal selama ini gw pikir menjadi terlihat tidak harus dengan usaha sebegitunya sih. Just be who you are and let people define you with your own character not by what you wear or what you can provide to the society!

*lesson learn*