You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know ... I'm ok with this silence
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
You're hiding regret in your smile
There's a storm in your eyes that's been passing for awhile
Hold on with all the lies and fake stories for tonight
Don't say a word
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
I'll make it through
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
Look me in the eye
And if you dare lie to me.
I know that there's no turning back.
If we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks.
Let's stay in the dark if you want too.
Don't want to know I'm ok with the silence.
It's truth that i don't want to hear.
Now look me in the eye .. and LIE!
Don't want to believe in this ending
Let the cameras roll on
Keep pretending
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away.
So lie to me by looking me in the eye
Why lie..lie...lie..
I've been dealing with those lies all the time
So, why bother with those lies again ..
But this time lie to me by looking straight in my eyes!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
.. conversation ..
DA: Now I asked you .. how far would you go to keep those secrets inside of you? You know exactly, behind the mystery lies a truth that will make you question everything you know.
Me: It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I know. The hurts are still hurt.
DA: In what way you define hurt in you?
Me: I'm not hurt. I'm not broken of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Hurt will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. I will be the only angel that everyone need. Perhaps I will leave life even more beautiful than when I entered it. Heaven will take me back and look at me and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."
DA: I'm glad I still could hear those statement from you. Have you spoke to him?
Me: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to him.
DA: Why not?
Me: What I feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what I do. If people like me don't learn from what happened to people, then what the hell is the point of anything?
DA: Gosh...you're definitely to good for a man like him, dude!
Me: No..no...Not to good for a man like him, but I'm a better person because of him.
DA: Holly cow! It's such a pleasure to know a person like you in my life!
Me: And I'm glad we're friend!
(Pacific Place, Kenny Rogers: 20:12 - 22:45wib)
Me: It doesn't matter what I think. It doesn't matter what I know. The hurts are still hurt.
DA: In what way you define hurt in you?
Me: I'm not hurt. I'm not broken of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Hurt will only increase my love, will sharpen it, will give it spice. I will be the only angel that everyone need. Perhaps I will leave life even more beautiful than when I entered it. Heaven will take me back and look at me and say: "Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love."
DA: I'm glad I still could hear those statement from you. Have you spoke to him?
Me: I can't. I can't do that. I can't talk to him.
DA: Why not?
Me: What I feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what I do. If people like me don't learn from what happened to people, then what the hell is the point of anything?
DA: Gosh...you're definitely to good for a man like him, dude!
Me: No..no...Not to good for a man like him, but I'm a better person because of him.
DA: Holly cow! It's such a pleasure to know a person like you in my life!
Me: And I'm glad we're friend!
(Pacific Place, Kenny Rogers: 20:12 - 22:45wib)
Friday, April 3, 2009
.. ikhlas ..
Berdebatan masih menjadi menu utama dalam hati gw selama hampir 2 bulan ini. Ini itu..ini itu. Gw sampe gak tau harus bagaimana lagi melawan semua suara-suara yang ada didalam diri gw.
Gw benci kalo harus membicarakan mengenai "feeling" gw. Dan gw juga benci jika orang bertanya mengenai "relationship" gw sama siapapun yang ada disekitar gw. Iyalah, gw tau gw cewek dan cewek biasanya (seharusnya) menjadi sangat emosional dan sensitif mengenai perasaan mereka, while I'm not. I'm extra ordinary girl. Karena gw bukan type cewek yang suka menanyakan "Terus ini sekarang hubungan kita gimana?" kepada lelaki yang "dekat" sama gw, atau "Sebetulnya loe gimana sih sama gw?". Eeewww .... harusnya kan semua itu bisa berjalan dengan sangat mudah dan nyata kan? Kalo emang di biarkan mengalir begitu saja.
Tapi tunggu, setelah banyaknya perdebatan yang ada dalam diri gw, berusaha untuk berkomunikasi dengan diri sendiri selama hampir 2 bulan ini, bicara dan memaksa diri gw utk kembali menganalisa lebih dalam lagi gw baru tau. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. I'm old enough to experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. Not to mentioned my personal one, it was hurt and very traumatic. I even still remember the detail of it.
I know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has ben, if we are still out there "dating", always an end up to the relationship. And the ending always SUCK! Well we do all aware of the statement "There's always something happen on the way to heaven" isn't it?
Jadi, kadang gw melihat banyak teman-teman cewek gw yang mempunyai strategi sendiri atau trik-trik mereka atau distractions to try to not notice that they might in fact be getting into relationship. Sekarang kalo gw bertanya pada diri sendiri "Apakah gw mau jadi wanita "insane" yang merong-rong lelaki untuk mengetahui dengan pasti ada apa sih sebenarnya antara kita pada saat pertama kali gw bertemu dengan pria?" GILA!! Gw gak mau jadi orang sinting itu ... I still have my pride to carry on!
Gw masih pengen jadi cewek yang enak buat di ajak hang out, enak buat diajak ngobrol dan curhat, enak buat di ajak garing-garingan, dan enak buat diajak beraktifitas. Dan itu adalah gw yang sebenar-benarnya. Tapi permasalahannya adalah gw masih bisa ngerasain "sakit" bisa ngerasain "kecewa", dan gw masih bisa bereaksi dengan bagaimana gw di perlakukan. Gw masih berharap dia mencari gw, menelepon gw, mengirimkan sms ke gw, gw masih juga berharap bahwa dia masih mau bertemu gw, hang out sama gw dan bertanya apakah dia juga excited bertemu gw? Dan tau gak rasanya itu I HATE THAT!
Mungkin itu hanya gw kali yaa, karena sekarang prioritas gw sudah berubah karena bertambahnya usia, sekarang gw gak mau hanya "jalan" saja sama lelaki yang dekat dengan gw atau "hangout" sama seseorang supaya terlihat bahwa gw gak sendiri-sendiri amat kok (walopun sebagian besar teman-teman gw lelaki), gw juga gak mau mengeluarkan banyak energi untuk mengekspresikan perasaan gw sehingga gw terlihat tidak terlalu terlibat dengan perasaan gw sendiri. Gw pengen terlibat di dalamnya, gw pengen dengan orang yang bener-bener bisa menghargai gw karena gw adalah gw dengan orang yang trustworthy dan honorable dan sayang sama gw. Bukan hanya orang yang berbasa-basi untuk menjadi egois dengan gw agar mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, ya mungkin pertamanya gw akan merasa "cautious" dengan berapa banyak yang sudah gw berikan, tetapi "pemberian" yang gw kasih itu nantinya jangan juga membuat mereka jadi merasa lebih "comfortable" sama gw: tapi seharusnya dan sudah sepantasnya gw tau bahwa gw emang delicate, valuable creature yang emang harus hati-hati dan memilih tentang siapa yang bisa mendapatkannya. Itu yang akan gw lakukan sekarang. And It's not going so badly!
Gw yakin, jika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu yang sangat gw sayangin saat ini, karena Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Amin.
(contemplating with myself)
Gw benci kalo harus membicarakan mengenai "feeling" gw. Dan gw juga benci jika orang bertanya mengenai "relationship" gw sama siapapun yang ada disekitar gw. Iyalah, gw tau gw cewek dan cewek biasanya (seharusnya) menjadi sangat emosional dan sensitif mengenai perasaan mereka, while I'm not. I'm extra ordinary girl. Karena gw bukan type cewek yang suka menanyakan "Terus ini sekarang hubungan kita gimana?" kepada lelaki yang "dekat" sama gw, atau "Sebetulnya loe gimana sih sama gw?". Eeewww .... harusnya kan semua itu bisa berjalan dengan sangat mudah dan nyata kan? Kalo emang di biarkan mengalir begitu saja.
Tapi tunggu, setelah banyaknya perdebatan yang ada dalam diri gw, berusaha untuk berkomunikasi dengan diri sendiri selama hampir 2 bulan ini, bicara dan memaksa diri gw utk kembali menganalisa lebih dalam lagi gw baru tau. Starting a new relationship is terrifying. I'm old enough to experienced or witnessed the triage of broken romance. Not to mentioned my personal one, it was hurt and very traumatic. I even still remember the detail of it.
I know that if there has been a beginning to a relationship, there has ben, if we are still out there "dating", always an end up to the relationship. And the ending always SUCK! Well we do all aware of the statement "There's always something happen on the way to heaven" isn't it?
Jadi, kadang gw melihat banyak teman-teman cewek gw yang mempunyai strategi sendiri atau trik-trik mereka atau distractions to try to not notice that they might in fact be getting into relationship. Sekarang kalo gw bertanya pada diri sendiri "Apakah gw mau jadi wanita "insane" yang merong-rong lelaki untuk mengetahui dengan pasti ada apa sih sebenarnya antara kita pada saat pertama kali gw bertemu dengan pria?" GILA!! Gw gak mau jadi orang sinting itu ... I still have my pride to carry on!
Gw masih pengen jadi cewek yang enak buat di ajak hang out, enak buat diajak ngobrol dan curhat, enak buat di ajak garing-garingan, dan enak buat diajak beraktifitas. Dan itu adalah gw yang sebenar-benarnya. Tapi permasalahannya adalah gw masih bisa ngerasain "sakit" bisa ngerasain "kecewa", dan gw masih bisa bereaksi dengan bagaimana gw di perlakukan. Gw masih berharap dia mencari gw, menelepon gw, mengirimkan sms ke gw, gw masih juga berharap bahwa dia masih mau bertemu gw, hang out sama gw dan bertanya apakah dia juga excited bertemu gw? Dan tau gak rasanya itu I HATE THAT!
Mungkin itu hanya gw kali yaa, karena sekarang prioritas gw sudah berubah karena bertambahnya usia, sekarang gw gak mau hanya "jalan" saja sama lelaki yang dekat dengan gw atau "hangout" sama seseorang supaya terlihat bahwa gw gak sendiri-sendiri amat kok (walopun sebagian besar teman-teman gw lelaki), gw juga gak mau mengeluarkan banyak energi untuk mengekspresikan perasaan gw sehingga gw terlihat tidak terlalu terlibat dengan perasaan gw sendiri. Gw pengen terlibat di dalamnya, gw pengen dengan orang yang bener-bener bisa menghargai gw karena gw adalah gw dengan orang yang trustworthy dan honorable dan sayang sama gw. Bukan hanya orang yang berbasa-basi untuk menjadi egois dengan gw agar mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, ya mungkin pertamanya gw akan merasa "cautious" dengan berapa banyak yang sudah gw berikan, tetapi "pemberian" yang gw kasih itu nantinya jangan juga membuat mereka jadi merasa lebih "comfortable" sama gw: tapi seharusnya dan sudah sepantasnya gw tau bahwa gw emang delicate, valuable creature yang emang harus hati-hati dan memilih tentang siapa yang bisa mendapatkannya. Itu yang akan gw lakukan sekarang. And It's not going so badly!
Gw yakin, jika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu yang sangat gw sayangin saat ini, karena Tuhan akan menggantikannya dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik. Amin.
(contemplating with myself)
Monday, March 23, 2009
.. delete ..
"I can't take this hurt any longer. I can't handle all the lies that came from him."
"Let it loose, munchkin. You're hurt even more, if you still trying to ignore all his lies."
"I'm trying to be fair with him. I care for him, that's what I do."
"Is he fair with you? Does he care for your feeling?"
"I don't know. Never though about that. Why should I care on that?"
"Munchkin, you can not always please other people for their own sake. You should taking care of your feeling as well you taking care of other."
"Will he be fine without me?"
"He's old enough to know which one is good one and which one is bad one, he doesn't need you to know the answer."
"I'm tired with everything that I carry, the lies, the hurt, the disappointment and the betrayed that he cause."
"You're to good for this kind of man, if he's looking for some cheesy girl that could fulfill his ego or his pride and also could satisfy his lust let him do it!"
"After what I did, can he just give me a little attention that he care?"
"He's just not that in to you, Munchkin. Why would you give your big effort to this kind of guy who can not even give you a little appreciation toward everything that you did for him."
"I'm smiling, even though I cried inside. I know him so well, I care for him, but it seems that he doesn't care."
"Munchkin, I know you. You never complain, you never grumbling, you never even have any demand on him. You're not expecting anything in return for every action that you did to him. That's why I said YOU'RE TO GOOD FOR THIS KIND OF MAN!"
"If he wants to hurt me, why he did this to me? What I ever done that made him hurt me this bad?"
"He just don't know how to keep good things in his life, Munchkin! He just don't know that he's throwing the best part."
" - sigh- "
"Everyone loves you, Munchkin. Don't waste your time with this kind of man who can not appreciate the good thing in you. You deserve someone better."
"I'm the one who keep hurting myself because I do care for this person."
"If you care enough with this person, you should know how to take care of yourself, Munchkin. Vanish him from your mind, delete him from heart, and start to maintain your own."
"I need sometime to recover with this feeling! I'm vulnerable."
"Let it loose, munchkin. You're hurt even more, if you still trying to ignore all his lies."
"I'm trying to be fair with him. I care for him, that's what I do."
"Is he fair with you? Does he care for your feeling?"
"I don't know. Never though about that. Why should I care on that?"
"Munchkin, you can not always please other people for their own sake. You should taking care of your feeling as well you taking care of other."
"Will he be fine without me?"
"He's old enough to know which one is good one and which one is bad one, he doesn't need you to know the answer."
"I'm tired with everything that I carry, the lies, the hurt, the disappointment and the betrayed that he cause."
"You're to good for this kind of man, if he's looking for some cheesy girl that could fulfill his ego or his pride and also could satisfy his lust let him do it!"
"After what I did, can he just give me a little attention that he care?"
"He's just not that in to you, Munchkin. Why would you give your big effort to this kind of guy who can not even give you a little appreciation toward everything that you did for him."
"I'm smiling, even though I cried inside. I know him so well, I care for him, but it seems that he doesn't care."
"Munchkin, I know you. You never complain, you never grumbling, you never even have any demand on him. You're not expecting anything in return for every action that you did to him. That's why I said YOU'RE TO GOOD FOR THIS KIND OF MAN!"
"If he wants to hurt me, why he did this to me? What I ever done that made him hurt me this bad?"
"He just don't know how to keep good things in his life, Munchkin! He just don't know that he's throwing the best part."
" - sigh- "
"Everyone loves you, Munchkin. Don't waste your time with this kind of man who can not appreciate the good thing in you. You deserve someone better."
"I'm the one who keep hurting myself because I do care for this person."
"If you care enough with this person, you should know how to take care of yourself, Munchkin. Vanish him from your mind, delete him from heart, and start to maintain your own."
"I need sometime to recover with this feeling! I'm vulnerable."
Friday, March 13, 2009
.. take a bow ..
You look so dumb right now
Not even trying' to apologize
You're so ugly when you lie!
Please, just cut it out
And don't tell me you're not sorry 'cause you're not
when I know you're only sorry you got caught .. shame on you!
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining'
Go on and take a bow
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on
And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out
But it's over now...I should move on!
I really don't know how to handle all those lies!
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