..blunt..

.. Chronicles ..

2012-02-11T22:08:00.000+07:00

Second word that i learn in this year, is 'power' ...
After watching a movie, i just realize it will be a disaster if you have the 'power' with rage in you.

We'll not using the power in right way, instead we will use it to fulfill our rage. To take a revenge, to see and enjoy where lots of people suffering and hurt because of the power that we have. The statement that (maybe) suit with the situation if we get the power is 'the power is in my hand, i can do whatever i want with it!'

I'm so grateful i never get that kind of power to make other people suffer or hurt. God is always been good to me, to what i did, my action even my statement. So grateful and so bless.

I have my hate and of course i feel rage too. Sometimes i wish i could do some revenge to people who hurt me, but then again God always remind me something good. No need for rage to take conrol the hate inside of me, no need to do any revenge. So ... Let's leave it to the faith and karma.

If i have the power, i will have my own rules over it!

.. ambition ..

2012-02-10T12:08:00.000+07:00

word that i learn for this month, AMBITION .. try to look after this word and a definition of it.

ambitious: describe a person who wishes to rise above one present position or condition. the ambitious person wishes to attain worldly success, and puts forth effort toward this end.

the other definition for ambitious for social position, where this one person especially in wealth, can be characterized by energy and daring in undertaking projects, where the aspiring person wishes to rise to higher level or plane, or to attain some end above ordinary expectations.

well, i may say perhaps for some ambitious people they tend to do anything to get what they want. perhaps, some of them may not consider hurting others or ignoring the needs of others.

honestly, i still don't get the idea of being "ambitious", chasing after what we want and what we eagerly aim for. until today, i'm still browse the definition of "ambition" itself. does it has any positive impact if we sacrificing the good relationship between others? i mean does it has to be that "nasty" to get what we want?

Corruption, collision, nepotism, etc are part of the ambition process right? most of people will take a short cut to define the "ambition", the word "ambitious" itself is referring to singular right? it can't be an "ambitious" for a team, a group or community because there's always be this ONE WINNER for this "ambition" thing.

may God bless all the "ambitious" people and have other people suffer from it's ambition.

.. gap ..

2012-02-08T19:39:00.000+07:00

I’m not ready yet!

“are you here?”

(A Gifted Man - Michael Holt calling Anna Paul spirit’s)

.. reference ..

2012-02-02T18:24:00.002+07:00

referring or reference ... i'm not quite comfortable with that word to be honest. is like when we tried to match making someone to someone.

today, i met a person who got reference about me, well i feel honored and flattered. i should be, because somebody talked good things about me, about what i do well they're talking about what can i do best. i'm quite amaze, because even myself always doubt what i can do. honestly, i have a lack of confidence over myself.

we talked, politely i told this person what i have in mind right now and what are my goal, and my ambition. this person seemed very nice, even though she kept trying to convince me that i have the ability and characters that she's been looking for the team. politely and subtlety i said, right now my goal is not looking for any "financial" increment or better position. i love what i'm doing, i love being in this position and still comfortable in where i am right now.

i told her, i may not as good as what she thought. i don't think i will fit with the team, i still lack of knowledge and experiences. i'm afraid i may not meet her expectation. she responded "do you know what are my expectation?" and i told her "that's the exactly my point, since i don't know what are your expectation, i don't think i can manage that. i ain't psychic that could read other's mind."

"you are what we've been looking for" at that second she said it, i'm thinking and talked to myself "well, i don't think that you are that i've been looking for right now though."

is like match making right? we tried to fine someone perfect for somebody, we want someone perfect for our friends, for our buddy, for our cousins, etc. we refer them to some guys or women that we think may fit with them. we gave good background, good impression, etc so people will attract and get connected right?

but,

do we ever thought people have different preference toward their life, their goal and their will. we can't dictate someone "decision" over something right? for sure God give some ways, but decision is still ours isn't it?

i have my own reason why i never give any reference to people, even for match making. if i did (yea there's couples of friends that had been successfully married and their happy because of me) it was coincidence and i never planned it thou. that's what i called "faith".

i'm a bit burned every time people refer me to some body else. i have my own definition about myself, what i want and my goal.

i'm flattered, i'm very blessed, and i'm so thankful for all the good things that people talked about me. but, i have my own perspective about myself and may capability, i do know what i want in life and what do i want to achieve.

Last word ... after the discussion with the person i met today;
"it's been a pleasure meeting you, hope we can maintain the network between us for the future, mam!"

*i've got my free lunch, and a new network, i'm so lucky :)

.. no call, no text, leave him alone ..

2012-01-24T15:55:00.000+07:00

Your texts are being read, your missed calls are being viewed, your emails are getting sent to spam, and your Facebook messages are being ignored. They are not disappearing in a cyber black hole -- got the point!

*Whatever you do, keep your dignity. Make the extra effort NOW by not looking like a fool and reap the benefits later

story i heard from one of my friend, she's been attached with this guy for more than 4 months or so ... for her it feel like they're dating and the guy has the same feeling. as for me, since I've been heard the story only from this girl so i conclude that this guy is a jerk! well, if i may say this guy is taking an advantage of her. the way he treat this girl, is not like the way a gentlemen who has crush over girl. how can you say it's a date if you pay with separate bill?? and how can he's letting her waiting for him for more than an hour or more (perhaps!) it's obvious he really know that she's in to him!

what can i say to my friend (well, actually lesson learned for me as well.. indirectly) that "you're great.. but he's not interested!" ..

This one is perhaps one of the most relatable: you gather up the balls to express your undying devotion – or mere attraction- to this person only to get rejected with the standard, “Oh you’re sweet… but i can't get into commitment at this moment, all the career stuff and my family matter ...” Or worst, “But i don't want to hurt you, is like everything i do i will end up hurting you…” What sets you apart from the rest of the world is that you don’t just walk away in defeat and go for your next potential obsession; you wallow in misery and refuse to accept rejection. and this woman is allowing this guy to keep rejecting her with different words.

i'm hoping that i will not be in that position, and desperately looking for someone! i will be flattered if someone i liked add me on their FB or their BBM list or asking about my phone. but, what i have in mind is that if that guy is not giving any effort to call me on cell-phone or asking about my number... why bother? if he wants to call me, no matter what he will! i mean, come on guy is simple right?

if he likes you, he will do anything to make the girl realize he's into her isn't it? am i right?

"When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

.. a reason ..

2012-01-24T14:28:00.003+07:00

I’ve been walked on, used and forgotten and i don’t regret one moment of it because in those moments, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned who i can trust and can’t. I’ve learned the meaning of friendship. I’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. I’ve learned how to be a teenager, and how to grow up when i need to. I’ve been to hell and back a few times, and i won’t ever take what i have for granted. this is life, live it one day at a time. you never know how many days you’ve got left.

(un-known)

.. textuality ..

2012-01-16T23:01:00.000+07:00

watched this movie with friends, some of them were in the melancholic feeling at that moment.while for me, well i'm in the process becoming "a better person" ..

in this movie, we would see many people loose their willingness to respect "real people" in front of them. they prefer to get "attached" with "un-real" people. for them smartphone is their life, their soulmate, it seems that they can't even breathe without their smartphone. the existence is no longer important, as long as the other people response to the device. jeezz ...

from this movie as well, i concluded that men or guy with smart phones can not be trusted *LOL* especially when they can't get their eyes of it! every time they heard something beeping or vibrate they will impulsively looking at it as if they're waiting for urgent call or text!

the most annoying one, is the one whose taking pictures for everything, yes i mean like everything, the table set, the plate, the bottle, the food, the view where they sat ... gosh GET A REAL LIFE GUYS!! in front of you is human being who needs your attention thou .. and that person is more REAL than your smart phones. :)

There's a story, that i heard from one of my friend where he got dumped through smart phone, but there's another story from a friend who got engaged because of the smart phone .. but as for me smart phone is making lots of people being rude to each other. just like when we used a social media without any ethics.

for me smart phones is not good enough to replace the one i care about, especially it can not replace the EXISTENCE of the people around me.

please do respect your REAL PEOPLE around you, put away your smart phones while you are with bunch of people i mean REAL PEOPLE ... if you want to talk with your smart phones better do it in your room instead using it in public!

friend: Sher, can we meet?
me: will you bring your blackberry?
friend: yes... why?
me: then, you can BBM me .. i don't want to sit there by looking at you busy BBM-ing other people rather than talk to me ... :)
friend: what??

sorry, i'm rude. but i made my point :)

.. social media ..

2012-01-05T18:02:00.000+07:00

for me to begin 2012 in my 5th day of January ... there's no ethic on social media. Gosh!! Can they stop complaining over social media? do they have any friends, where they can shared all the complains and stories?

they even posted their missing spectacle, bag, shoes, book, etc! they chose to posted over social media rather to find it! wondering, if they posted on the Facebook or Twitter will people on their list helping them to find what they're looking for? or they just want people to know they're missing something "precious" to be posted on their wall or timeline ..

I'm using those things, surely to keep me update with the trend topics and hot gossips. used those social media for my boring time while caught on the traffic (badly). at first not to much people complaining or scolding over the social media but now all i can read is complaining, scolding, or even swearing.

some of them even mentioned some name .. not in a good description. i know these days world is like "screaming out loud" to be seen! i mean, there's no ethics there's no rules! the worst case, some of them used twitter to give an "order" to other people to do their tasks!! how rude!! do they know the other technology called cell phone, emails or messenger (whatsapp, blackberry messenger, ping chat, etc) or was it to show the level of power that one person has over the other person? Man!! show some respect for other, dude!

no manner if i may say about these social network or media name it! do they even think before they write anything? some of the words is really hurtful ... cynical, sarcastic or even under-estimate statement as if that person is the only person whose has the "perfect" point of view. *sigh*

from this social media i can read people's mood. sadness, disappointment, getting hurt, heart broken, fall in love, rejected, etc. what can i assume and wonder ... if they get hurt, heart broken or being rejected would be better if they shared it to someone they trust? i mean like bestie, close friends, siblings or parents (perhaps) instead of their making an announcement "yes, i'm broken!" .. "someone just broke my heart!" .. or "un-answered hopes" i mean does it sound like desperate? or they don't have anyone to trust? -- or am i get it wrong?

i understand people has their own definition for what people call SOCIAL MEDIA or NETWORK .. and i have mine!

.. all over again ..

2012-01-03T10:40:00.001+07:00

sometime i think our life can seem like it's not moving, even though it keep on drifting and takes all our time and effort for things we want to achieve.
I know sometimes life itself could fall apart because of disappointments, the hurt, the lies and the un-answer hopes.
Well, everybody will have their own beginning for everything right? and they have their will to change isn't it?

actually, i can climb the highest mountain, and no one can hold me back! Sometimes, i just caught up in a crazy life that i took, so much for granted that i can't see what i have, and i knew it!
i'm pushing myself through the hardest time, because i believe i will find my way and start all over again ...
in time i know i'll find people around me who will change while times keeps on moving. friends fading away, but i'm not alone because i'm putting my trust in myself!
giving my very best, do what it takes to all i have.

moving forward, step on the next journey in 2012!

.. 1st letter in 2012 ..

2012-01-01T12:21:00.000+07:00

Dear anonymous,

I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the dinner to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for another dinner or lunch in some other time. You once said you're "rare". Well, that's true-you're certainly not like everyone else, but everyone is everyone. My parents always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, anonymous . My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.

rgs,
un-named!

.. messing with serendipity ..

2011-12-29T18:08:00.002+07:00

some people i met for this year, had their sadness and their disappointments. as for me, yea i've got my own sadness, my disappointment life is all about choices thou, i guess i need to stay bleeding to know i'm alive weren't i? that's why i'm always letting my life go wherever my foot bring me .. walk to the walk, or walk to the talk. name it .. my foot will surely bring me to that place.

i have many plans on my head to keep me going! i'm keeping myself excited everyday, every minutes, every second. i'm always excited waiting for tomorrow to come, because i had today. i shall not to worry about tomorrow. better preparing myself for the upcoming day ...

some events we can't predict, the tsunami, the earthquake, the recession, the typhoon, riots, i just knew that events came to remind us to be thankful, grateful and bless for every minutes that counts in our live! i met lots of people, learn some lessons from them, taking notes, did some review. not every people that i met were nice thou ... some of them were fake, few whose stay true, a bit of people taking an advantage .. once again life are full of surprises isn't it?

i never thought that i had many un-expected things going in 2011 for myself! My mom told me once "expect nothing, and you'll be surprise!" yea she got that right! actually, i'm quite surprise myself for what happened in 2011 for my life ... not everything were nice, but most of them are precious and of course bring lots of surprises to me!

this year i learn how to control my anger, my temper and of course my emotion toward people i don't like. lucky me, have lots of great people around me, family that always been there for me through bad and my dumb moments. but for this year, i'm more in to ignorance person. is not that i don't care, but more to not paying attention to what happened around me. i'm just trying to enjoy being "me" ... and it feels so good!spent most my entire year for myself!!

the only regret that i had for 2011 was, i never had any chance to tell the "one" that i miss him for almost 7,5years (or is it 8 years?) .. and i had a crush on him many years ago, and still i am (now!), but i realize now it's not a crush the moment i met him on Sept 2011 at Hachiko Statue, right then i knew it was called "falling". yea.. i still like him, i like him a lot!

If we never make it back, to who we used to be... i hope God know i've tried! i just don't want to wake up tomorrow with our memories filled with sorrow, i'd rather smile when i remember him.
hoping when he found someone (or he already has someone) i won't even fight, and i won't forget to always remember him. felling him is the hardest, i've been missing him the longest without seeing him, or hearing his voice! the way he acted, well i don't blame him but anyway he's always on my mind.

so, i said to myself i have to let my heart move on, even i will never forget that january to december i'd always remember him! i will walk through life, no i won't regret this feeling. i won't forget the feeling and will always remember this feeling!

i just want to smile every time i remember him! i won't even fight it this time ...

there you go .. i said it! welcoming 2012 with lots of smile and open arms!

life's go on, so does my life!
do more, give more and love more! That's new year all about!!

.. pay it forward ..

2011-12-20T21:32:00.000+07:00

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Steve Jobs

.. cynical ..

2011-12-13T20:39:00.000+07:00

.. and I have come to realize that he's just a guy, a special one maybe, but he's not mine. And I don't need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would ..

"noted!"

.. the one that got away ..

2011-12-13T14:16:00.000+07:00

I'm not even gonna get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest out of the people I thought the highest of.

.. un-plan ..

2011-12-05T11:52:00.001+07:00

“what are you going to do with your life?" that question appearing in my head this morning.

in one way or another it seemed that people had been asking me for this like... forever; my parents, friends, but the question had never seemed this pressing and still i were no nearer an answer... have no clue about it.

"Live each day as if it's your last", that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? what if it rained or i would felt a bit glandy? it just wasn't practical. better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. not changing the world exactly, but the bit around me. cherish my friends, stay true to my principles, live passionately and fully and well. experience new things. love and be loved, if i ever get the chance.... again!”

.. un-told ..

2011-12-05T10:38:00.000+07:00

me: Even though this is clearly impossible, it's amazing!
myself: It's not meant to be.
me: No, don't say that. Something must've happened.
myself: One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to.
me: Don't give up on him.
myself: I'll wait!

(Lake House)

.. one day ..

2011-12-04T21:33:00.001+07:00

most of people asked me the same question. "why are you still single?"
to answer those question, my response is simple "well, i'm alone but that doesn't mean i'm lonely thou.."

i have a great family, and have a blessing friends around me. not many, but most of them are bring me lots of blessing. nothing to complain. some of them asked "don't you need some shoulder to cry on when you needed?". and to answer that question i said "i have my imaginary friend that always appear whenever i need it." well i rather to keep it for myself.

well, the story of my life is i keep everything at a distance. include my feeling for ... HIM!

It's nice.
It's safe.

no one get hurts ... lovely!

.. さようなら ..

2011-11-18T17:46:00.001+07:00

Q: How do you say goodbye to someone you can't imagine living without?

Me: I didn't say good bye, I didn't say anything. I just walked away.

.. ignore ..

2011-11-16T12:39:00.000+07:00

“She had tried to forget him, realizing the inutility of remembering. But the thought of him was like an obsession, ever pressing itself upon her. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing.”

(The Awakening)

.. nothing ..

2011-11-15T10:39:00.000+07:00

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand saying, "If you see this guy can you tell him where I am?"
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do. How can I move on when I'm still in love with you.

'Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street. So I'm not moving, I'm not moving'

I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"

(The Man Who Can't Be Moved -- The Script)

.. brain ..

2011-11-08T18:05:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

(Kathleen Kelly -- You've Got Mail)

.. unspoken ..

2011-11-07T23:27:00.000+07:00

"Lord Knows I tried."

.. un-spoken ..

2011-10-27T13:17:00.000+07:00

X: Why do you keep them? You should just throw them out.
Y: No. No, I couldn't do that.
X: Why not?
Y: If I threw these keys away then those doors would be closed forever and that shouldn't be up to me to decide, should it?
X: I guess I'm just looking for a reason.
Y: From my observations, sometimes it's better off not knowing, and other times there's no reason to be found.
X: Everything has a reason.
Y: Hmm. It's like these pies and cakes. At the end of every night, the cheesecake and the apple pie are always completely gone. The peach cobbler and the chocolate mousse cake are nearly finished... but there's always a whole blueberry pie left untouched.
X: So what's wrong with the blueberry pie?
Y: There's nothing wrong with the blueberry pie. Just... people make other choices. You can't blame the blueberry pie, just... no one wants it.

(My Blueberry Nights -- conversation between Elizabeth and Jeremy)

"I wanna tell you how I feel, but I'm scared. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of you not feeling the same way. Scared of falling harder."

.. first train home ..

2011-10-24T10:51:00.000+07:00

I'm proud of my heart. It's been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

Disappointment is another way of God saying "I have a better plan for you, just wait and be patience and leave the rest to me."

It's always nice to hear GOD always has something for you, a key for every problem, a light for every shadow, a relief for every sorrow & a plan for every tomorrow.

.. un-titled ..

2011-10-21T10:46:00.002+07:00

.. Faith allows impossible things to happen.It is the force that comes from a fearless heart and when a fearless heart believes, miracles begin ..

.. Love Makes Things Happen ..

2011-10-10T20:53:00.000+07:00

Deep in the heart love has many ways
Of touching your emotions taking control of you
And even in thought love can make you change
There's no way of controlling love when it's part of you

Love can pull you deep into a spell
It will spin your mind around like a carousel

I'm telling you love makes things happen
You never know where it's coming from
You never know who you're gonna love

There's never a time
'Cause love will let you know
Love appears at the worst and even the best of times
Takes over your mind
Your heart is not your own

.. pebbles ft babyface ..

.. question of faith ..

2011-10-07T14:35:00.002+07:00

"We've all been in love, but we never know it's not true love until it's over. So what if Maybe there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean, what if there is no such thing as true love, and we're just too afraid to admit it, so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think that we are. What if that something that we're looking for just doesn't exist?"

talking to myself again .. that night was as much a surprise to me as it (maybe) was to him. But meeting him (again) was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after we left, I just laid there on my bed in my hotel, staring up at those ceiling, and - after a while they just started forming a pattern, this weird pattern that linked together my entire "don't know what" feelings. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me - like one logical progression. It felt like him and I were the greatest un-plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Meeting him made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen un-planned!! Nothing will ever hurt me as much as his reaction to that same experience.

"Why was it a mistake?"

.. fortunate accident ..

2011-10-03T17:55:00.000+07:00

Me: So are you gonna meet your girlfriend now or what?
Unknown: No, I think she's out probably doing what you're doing.
Me: Getting a crush on somebody else's boyfriend? No, I'm sorry, I just meant I had a really nice time. You know, maybe you should give me your phone number. Just in case.
Unknown: In case of what?
Me: In case of life. I just had a really great time and for all we know I wouldn't be able to find you again.
Unknown: Well, if we're meant to meet again, we'll meet again. it's just not the right time now.
Me: Maybe we're supposed to meet on British time and we're five hours too early.

Talking to myself: Maybe the absence of signs is a sign.

(Serendipity -- a fortunate accident)

.. tranquil ..

2011-09-05T11:39:00.000+07:00

“Most people don’t know what they want or feel. And for everyone, myself included, it’s very difficult to say what you mean when what you mean is painful. The most difficult thing in the world is to reveal yourself, to express what you have to… I feel that we must try many things - but above all, we must dare to fail. You must have the courage to be bad - to be willing to risk everything to really express it all.”

Happy Ied Mubarak People!

.. heart voice ..

2011-07-25T11:35:00.000+07:00

“As I stared at the books, I suddenly understood that I didn’t know a hell of a lot about anything. What it was that seemed to move me then was that learning was important… I vowed, right then, to learn something new every day. It was a deep revelation, something I felt throughout my whole self.”

.. pain ..

2011-07-25T11:33:00.002+07:00

“Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.”

Well even someone close to you, could cause you that kind of pain without they noticing it.
What I believe is sometime, we often said something that we're not meant to, but it does give someone "hurt" feeling. That someone surely give me some notes, that notes surely will remain in my heart.

As for me, I'll keep it on my smile, and taking a notes to does words. No worries, I won't ask anything in return ... I've been told that every action I took and every words I spoke, it will leaves some "marks". Hopefully it will be good ... If it wasn't than hopefully they knew, I never meant to hurt anyone ...

.. motivation ..

2011-06-23T11:22:00.000+07:00

I don't think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good. -- Oprah Winfrey

I'm responsible for everything I did, I said, and even for my every actions I made. My parents often told be "What you need to know for sure is that what you give comes back to you."

.. sassy girl ..

2011-06-17T16:29:00.001+07:00

“you know what fate is?”

“building a bridge of a chance for someone you love.”

.. story ..

2011-06-03T15:14:00.000+07:00

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't.

everybody would love to have an happy ending, sometime the story itself doesn't have any happy ending at all! We write it, we dream it, we imagine it, and yet we WANT IT to be REAL!!

We assumed so we can get what we want, and we can get our expectation be real! MANAGING HEART is easy to hear, but to take an action of it I don't think it's easy. It will require lots of efforts not to mention our energy to manage and control our feeling! Because, the bad things about expectation sometime when it gets stronger the "hope" eventually pop up and will make us losing our mind! Instead of using our logical thinking, we used our feeling to do all the "silly" actions!

Don't be surprise, because when the result is not what we're expected; we will feel dumb, hurt, disappointed, or maybe it will become anger .. because we're having a platonic feeling. Don't be mad, don't be sad just enjoy the moment. For my experience I'm mad of myself of being so dumb, but the next day I will laugh at myself, it feels good to be dumb and laugh about it after rather than feeling dumb but feeling sorry for it.

That's why I have my own definition toward FAITH and DESTINY! Smile people!! Smile ...

.. selfish ..

2011-05-02T18:13:00.000+07:00

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

We don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but our own. And when we mess with one part of a person’s life, we’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, we can’t be that precise and selective. When we mess with one part of a person’s life, we’re messing with their entire life.

.. reflection ..

2011-03-23T12:09:00.000+07:00

.. some people tend to talk but only few of them would take an action for every single words ..

The hardest part is when you have to reflect all the words from your mouth in to your action!

"A reflection of an exact image is the closest thing to you-so that you can see it-but it's far enough away so that you really understand it. There is real life in this movie, but it hovers just an inch above reality."

Most people, yes I said most of them! They tend to do exactly the things they said they against it! BLAH!! I don't buy those supporting words that came from people whose not even better than me (in my believe).

I did that too most of the time! But, I tried not to mid-judge anyone over their action thou ... will it be contradictory if you said you against it but happens that you did it for your own good?

Pitiful, that things was done by someone close to you ...

.. sometime ..

2011-03-21T11:16:00.000+07:00

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

.. crazy little thing called love ..

2011-03-11T13:13:00.000+07:00

.. all of us have someone who is hidden in the bottom of the heart. when we think of him, we will feel like .... (humming) always feel like a little pain inside. but, we still want to keep him. Even though I don't know where he is today.. what he's doing...but, he is the one who makes me know this .. a little things called LOVE ..

.. rude boy ..

2011-02-16T16:32:00.000+07:00

"I may not like what you are doing but i respect who you are; because maybe who you are tomorow will be better than who i am today"

I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then...

.. easy ..

2011-01-28T10:11:00.000+07:00

Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.

No matter what our achievements might be, we think well of ourselves only in rare moments. We need people to bear witness against our inner judge, who keeps book on our shortcomings and transgressions. We need people to convince us that we are not as bad as we think we are.. even though we know we're a bad person for some reason.

.. The Social Network ..

2011-01-19T16:41:00.000+07:00

2011 is a year of ignorance for me. I will force myself to be selfish!

I have to concern more, on how I feel, and how I will react toward anything! I won't care about what people concern and reaction for all my actions! I know the bad things about knowing everything is not good for me, I knew it in a first place already.

Silence is the best solution to support my selfishness this year!

" How many times can we turn our heads and pretend we cannot see. "

.. sakura romance ..

2011-01-18T09:25:00.000+07:00

“Everyone has the right to believe and accept what he or she wants, but reality doesn’t discriminate. Reality is not different for different people. Not once has reality excused anyone for good intentions ignorance or stubbornness. Reality shows no mercy, accepts no excuses, and issues no pardons.”

I have my own believe and I have my own way to accept anything that I want. Reality is just reality and the definition of the reality itself remain the same thou .. different people will take the definition with different thought, whose to blame? NO ONE!

Every little thing I do, I hope it will brings goodness inside of me, I never thought I would give any good impact to people around me. Well, who am I anyway. I will do good, for people whose been good, as for some bad people ignorance is the best word for them. I don't really give any "shit" to those people. Since, I'm not good at all (I mean in my understanding).

Gossips, rumors, wussy wussy words .. I'm listening, but I never care that much. Well, I always be the center of the attention, I can ignore that. Lot's of people can't take their eyes of me thou ... :)

Through the good and the bad words for me..I'm still me! so BE IT!!

.. work it out ..

2011-01-12T10:06:00.001+07:00

“I know exactly how that is. To teach somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive.”

the least I can say is LISTEN. Is it to much? Stop defending with wussy wussy words that I don't even asked. All I'm asking is only simple questions, and I don't expect long answers without any points.

No wonder, lots of people will get mis-perception over something. They get panic, they get frustrated, depressed, stress .. and many more. Because, they wont listen, they don't know how to sort words from other people. In my understanding of listen is when you talk with people the flow of it would be listen-digest-understand-response .. is not that hard isn't it?

Lately, only few people who know exactly how listen in proper way.

.. 2011 ..

2011-01-03T12:28:00.002+07:00

As always.. I never make any resolution or list for each years I passed. For me.. Let it be. Why do I need any list of plans if most of it alredy been planned by our creator. Well, is not that I’m un-planned person, I’m well organized for almost everything. I will feel pissed if something is not in the right track. I hate un-consistent people, people who doesn’t respect other people time, people that change in very last minute.

People will make long list for this new year, for me just be it. That’s why my parents name me after a song called Que Sera Sera — what ever will be will be. What people say about me just let it be, people have their own thought. For people who scolded me behind my back, be grateful meaning they do care about me thou. For people who hate me, thanks for sharing their blessing through hate in their heart.

For people who treated me unkind, may all the kindness always be a part of my journey. People who lied to me, through all the lies I heard I know the truth is always taking a big role in my life. People who thought that I’m their competitors I’m thankful that my heart is bigger than any opponents I have in life.

I’m so grateful through all this year my parents, my family, my lil crews always support me and giving their shoulder for me to lay on. Have a great 2011 people!!!

.. barmy ..

2010-11-26T15:56:00.000+07:00

“For every action, there was an opposite reaction. But maybe you could undo your wrongs by keeping someone else from making the same mistakes of misjudgement.”

but, what if the disappointment come from someone that you rely on. it hurt ... (of course), it seems that everything we did will always be people echo. I did this, that people did it too, I want this, that people want it too, I talked about this, that people tried to have the same topic as mine...What in world this people think, don't they have their own to share? Don't they have some creativity to create new thing rather than copying mine?

I ain't special, I'm just normal human being that always makes mistakes not one or two but MANY!! and by then I realize, well I feel thou not realize .. to harsh for me to say "realize" for this matters... I feel that this people is "using" me, somehow that feeling pop up! That's makes me disappoint. I know ... I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it!

I'm tired, I had enough to all of this! I hate too echoing with what other people do. I have my own and I love my own!I ain't follower. I am what I am not what people might think about me!

That's why please stop making me your center of everything I ain't no good at all! I'm only good for myself.. for me! Not for everyone to look up too...

.. shadow ..

2010-11-24T18:07:00.000+07:00

"Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe."

I won't bother if people has secrets, but I'd feel annoyed if people try to get in to my secrets!
I never talked so much about myself, or some stories I keep it for myself (well, I do shared most of them with my mom and my sisters thou) it safer for me instead of sharing it with someone else.

Some people tend to tell .. it's human. When I told one story to them, they might tell it to anyone they close too. As for me I never let my stories to be public consumption. I am what I am and that's me!

I really hate when people talked to me "Why don't you tell me?" then I'm asking to myself why would I care to tell you about this? Is it an obligation for me to tell everyone for every stories I have? I don't even update my status on my Facebook because I won't let everyone knows about my mood and my feeling ... It safe for me if I keep it for myself.

.. pyramid ..

2010-11-03T18:05:00.000+07:00

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not cause you don’t trust them, but to see how much they’ll sacrifice for you. And sometimes you have to let them go; not cause you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back.

.. gotta a feeling ..

2010-10-19T10:50:00.002+07:00

"If you feel that you're not smart, please don't act that you're smarter."

I hate the way that person act smart in front of me, the fact is that person is not even smarter than me! Dhoooaaaahhh!!

I've been keeping this feeling, this thought about this person. The truth is this person already disappoint me in some way. I never make big deal of it, I tried to cope with it, as what my parents often told me I'm the one who should be more flexible for everyone else.

If I feel threatened and not comfortable, it's ok for me to walk out and asked myself the things that I learn from this person. I'm tired of this person .. I'm not a person who likes to share about everything, something I keep it for me, for myself. Not every detail of my life is belong to everyone.

I'm not smart, but I do learn something from every dumb witness that happened in my life. I'm not competing with anyone to reach certain point. I'm getting used to be a center of attention, I have lots of attention from my family why would I care for an attention for everyone else? I don't give a damn shit! I listen to the things that I want to listen, I talk for certain things that is worth to talk too.

Why bother? If some people make some stories in their life, doesn't mean I have to own some stories to steal their thunder right? I'm what I am, with or without story people are fine with me! I don't bother ...

I'm not exposing myself, because I'm tired being exposed! It's time for myself to enjoy the entire me! I'm done with all exposing things, I tried to pull myself out from the center of everything ... because it's time for me to have more quality time for myself, with my family especially with my parents.

So stop bugging me with the thunder steal stories! I won't care .. because I know you're not smarter than me or anyone else! So stop faking it, stop being smart!!!!

.. deep thought ..

2010-10-18T11:07:00.003+07:00

"I think I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens"

.. simply the best ..

2010-10-06T16:44:00.003+07:00

No matter how frightened and discouraged I may become about the future, I look forward to it. In spite of everything I see all around me every day, I have a shaky assurance that everything will turn out fine; and I don’t think I’m the only one. Why else would the phrase “Everything is alright” ease a troubled place in so many of us? We just don’t know, we never know, yet we have so much faith. We hold our hands over our hurts and lean forward. It is how we keep on, this kind of hope.

When things go wrong, you’ll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better -- The Chronicles of Narnia

.. ordinary boy ..

2010-10-06T09:08:00.003+07:00

Just a day,
Just an ordinary day.
Just trying to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.
And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That everyday he finds
Just what he's looking for,
Like a shooting star he shines.

And He said take my hand,
Live while you can
Don't you feel your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal.
And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine.
And I know he's no stranger,
For I feel I've held him for all of time.

Please come with me,
See what I see.
Touch the stars for time will not flee.
Time will not flee.
Can you see?

Just a dream, just an ordinary dream.
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?
Did he asked if I would come along
It all seemed so real.
But as I looked to the door,
I saw that boy standing there with a deal.

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just trying to get by.
Just a boy,
Just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.

-- Ordinary Day-Vanessa Carlton --

.. ascertain ..

2010-09-28T09:09:00.002+07:00

I’ve learned a lot this year.. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way I planned, or the way I think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that I can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as I have people who love me.

I've learned that some friends sometime will turn out to "use" me for their sake, without considering how I feel and how it will effect my feeling.

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” - Dalai Lama -

So, based on what I've learned .. I can conclude that I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

.. talk to me ..

2010-09-21T09:03:00.003+07:00

A word that come up from my mind "Love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things" I heard this words, but I can't remember who said it. But is true thou. Everything that happened in our live, will based on what we did, what we gave and what we wish for.

If we can't accept who we are, forgive every mistakes that we did and can't love ourself how can God knows what's good from us in front of God, doesn't it? God create us with purposed, God have it's own plan toward our lives, of course God always have a good reasons for everything that happened in our lives. If we can't be graceful how can God be good to us?

.. truth ..

2010-08-31T16:16:00.001+07:00

Dear Diary,

Today I’ve convinced myself it’s ok to give up. Don’t take risks. Stick with the status quo, no drama, now is just, not the time. But my reasons aren’t reasons they’re excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth, and the truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world is going to come crashing down and I don’t know if I can survive that.

- me -

.. I'll Take You There ..

2010-08-31T10:27:00.001+07:00

"Solitude brought out the worst in me. It gave me time to brood over the nature of things. I wondered how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?
We ran into each other at graduation. We had lunch about a year after that. It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days. My college experience wasn't what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure.
But I'm not unhappy; I don't think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it.
It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip.."
(Eddie - Threesome movie 1994)

.. simple ..

2010-08-26T10:17:00.000+07:00

“It seems like it’s all just remembering and forgetting. Things happen so fast, and then they’re gone before you notice them. Events ambush you from out of nowhere, blindside you, and then you have to spend the time afterward trying to remember or forget what the hell it all was to begin with. The more you think about it, the more the events crumble, crack, breakdown, or refuse to change at all. They’re either pieces of ice in your hand, changing shape and melting away until they’re nothing like what they were to begin with, or pieces of glass. Sharp and irritating, unchanging reminders of pain and unpleasantness - or happiness.”
(Gregory Galloway)

.. distance ..

2010-08-23T14:41:00.002+07:00

"Sometimes, you have to be apart from people you love. But that doesn’t mean you love them any less. Sometimes it even makes you love them more"

Because what I have in mind when I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there’d be room for him to stay.

.. marriage ..

2010-08-11T12:21:00.001+07:00

I don’t want to be married just to be married. I can’t think of anything lonelier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can’t talk to, or worse, someone I can’t be silent with.

.. lies ..

2010-08-09T09:23:00.000+07:00

"That’s the problem with us. We’re both stubborn asses and always want to get our way. We both hate to be wrong and love to be right. But that’s the thing about love. No matter what happens, we always come back for each other, one more time"

.. be reminded ..

2010-08-03T09:46:00.002+07:00

“It is better to be alone, I figures, than to be with someone who can’t see who I am. It is better to lead than to follow. It is better to speak up than stay silent. It is better to open doors than to shut them on people.”

Perhaps, most people will say that I'm very harsh on everything. Blunt in someway, straight forward to anything that bother me. If I don't feel comfortable without saying it, my face will tell everything.

It remind me of someone, that always makes me smile even a little, or even laugh hard. By looking at him, I will smile and giggles for a while. All he's gotta do is sit beside me, and looking at the sky with me near the soccer field in campus. He would walk with me in silence for 15km and I still can smile and laugh in silence for both of us.

I miss the silence that still can talk inside our heart, I miss the sincerity of this person.

.. the best of me ..

2010-07-27T11:00:00.000+07:00

.. because ..

2010-07-26T14:34:00.003+07:00

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.”

I guess I didn't read the sign at all, I'm sure it must be so much more than this
cause I've never been so unhappy. Everything's wrong and backwards upside down.

It's hard for me to know the reality that you'll be sorry. And I don't wanna see you cry. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you'll be sorry anyway.

It feels so wrong but it's right to tell you now .. "I feel you"

.. because ..

2010-07-26T11:56:00.001+07:00

“A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.”

I think what I have learned most is that… I’ll never be perfect. I’m not talking about just looks or things like that, but in every part of life, I’ll always be flawed. I’m sure a lot of girls feel that way too and I know that dudes do cause I live with a bunch of ‘em. The greatest feeling is knowing that I don’t have to be right.

.. burning out ..

2010-07-22T10:49:00.000+07:00

I don't wanna take a step back, but I'm running on emptiness
Just let me let go, it's killing me in every way.

I just can't escape your ghost, the fire you started once is now burning out!
I just fade away, I can't find myself leaving
and it hurts with every breath I take, that I will never know the feeling ...
You take me in ...

Have you ever even noticed all the pain when you look into my eyes
Tell me, have you ever even thought about that I'm burning out

.. inception ..

2010-07-20T10:48:00.002+07:00

"Did it ever occur to you that you’re so caught up in trying to make the right choice that you’ve never stopped to consider the possibility that there may not be a right choice, or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices?"

Maybe, I've got it all wrong in the first place. How I tried to make everyone happy with my choices. Even though, most of time the choice that I made always bring me lots of confusion and un-comfortable feeling for myself (highlight on this ... MYSELF!)
I fully aware, most of the time people never thought about how I feel about the choices that I made (for them).

Sometime, I even have to lie about my choices. I need my selfishness to satisfy myself over something. I need my "me moment" I need to pleasuring myself, I want to appreciate myself with my own way.

Lucky me, I have a parents and family who can always give me those things. That's why I always enjoying my moment around them. They know exactly how to comfort me, with their way. I can just sit with my parents the whole day; watching TV, read some newspapers, gossiping, chatting, or even make fun of myself in front of them. I just love to see and hear the sincere voice from them.

The beginning of everything happened in my life, is all the beginning how I enter the social circle around me. I tried to make everyone happy and comfortable, but I never feel that they making me happy or comfortable.

.. 40 days has pass ..

2010-07-19T17:09:00.002+07:00

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more that you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

It's been 40days since he passed away. One of my very best buddy!
2 days ago, I dream about him again. We made some conversation, under the big tree where I held a Teh Botol and he was taking some mineral water while his eyes is empty staring on the cloud.

Me: How's your life up there?
Him: It’s very beautiful over there. I don’t know where it is exactly, but I believe it’s somewhere.
Me: How can you define beautiful?
Him: You'll love it! How's your life?
Me: Me ..? Nothing new, same me!
Him: It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. If you know what I mean.
Me: .. *I'd only can smile at him*

I still can't believe that he's gone! I miss talking "trash" with him. Shared some "junks" idea.

Hope he's been treated good up there!

.. hiding ..

2010-07-13T10:12:00.001+07:00

I don't view myself as a victim. I don't even view myself as a survivor. Living in truth has opened up doors to me that i never could have imagined existed. I feel proud to be where i am today, with my head held high. Im just me. No more. No less. Just 'Shera'.

Where the shy ones have something worth hiding. Either that, or they are deathly allergic to being seen by anyone, and sometimes even themselves in the mirror. Some people aren’t just cut out for spotlights and attention, even though many dread it and at the same time desire it. The shell we thrive in is just so tightened it doesn’t need to be broken, though some who are in it wish it was destroyed completely. And as confusing and contradicting as that was, being looked at is something sick in of itself. To be stared at, for whatever reason and to be analyzed, for whatever intentions. If you think about it, we are sparing ourselves manic thoughts and preparation by being shy. It’s not exactly what we all want, especially if you know someone who is terrifyingly shy, but it’s something we just do. For whatever reason, we don’t like to be watched by a couple of idiots who don’t know when to leave us alone, and when we need them most.

.. where are you ..

2010-06-29T09:34:00.002+07:00

You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

.. unite ..

2010-06-18T08:51:00.002+07:00

"When I’m good, I’m very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better."

Keep talking to myself "Truth only means something when it’s hard to admit" it's been 10 days already. I still wonder, why this questions still pop up in my head? But again, truth be told, if you’re looking for the guilty you need only look into a mirror.

“Sorry is irrelevant. There’s no point being sorry about something unless you can do something about it. And you can’t. We can’t go back in time. We can’t change what happened.”

Last night, I met him in my other world ...
He asked me:"So now here I am, what do you want to say? What do you want to ask?"
I turn into him and said: "I will ask God to put you somewhere you can’t get hurt."
He smile at me, then he hug me really tight then before he left he said: "Sorry I don't have enough time to share everything with you, but I surely you'd understand. You've always been good to me! Love you, Gembol!"
I waved at him, my final good bye for him!

" I still feel you, bom! I feel you!!"

... don't forget to remember him ...

2010-06-15T14:48:00.001+07:00

I know you are in a better place
But I miss looking at your face
You were so young to die
Every night I sit and cry
Wondering why does it have to be this way
It hurts so much because there’s nothing I can do or say
There is one thing that’s plain to see
That one day we will be together again
And now until then you will always remain my best friend

.. anger ..

2010-06-15T08:08:00.003+07:00

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”

The 6th day is already passed away, the anger keep inside of me. It feels really hurt! Is not the anger of being hurt, is the anger because of the truth did not reveal.

"why? why? why?" only those words that keep playing around my head! once again "why?"
I shouldn't get angry, I shouldn't be upset or what so ever. But, the thinking on my head keep running try to solve the puzzle with my own thinking.

gw gak akan bertanya, gw gak akan mencari tahu. Buat gw kalo orang gak mau cerita, pastinya mereka gak mau di tanya kan? *sigh* kesel, marah, kecewa, sedih, kehilangan ... semua campur aduk kaya adonan di dalam sini.

Gak bolehkah gw tau keadaan sebenarnya? tidak bisakah gw tau kondisi apa yang sedang di hadapinya? Penderitaan apa yang di rasain? Walopun mungkin gw gak bisa bantu banyak, at least gw bisa membantu untuk bisa memberikan bantuan moril kan?

Gw emang gak bisa bantu banyak, gw gak punya apa-apa untuk bisa meringankan semuanya. Tapi setidaknya gw bisa hadir ketika seorang teman butuh kehadiran teman, butuh teman berbagi dan berbagi penderitaan. Mungkin memang sudah terlambat..walopun kadang ingin gw bisa berkata "I wish I could turn back time, and make everything in place"

I guess that won't be happened! Ya mungkin emang kadang penderitaan dan masalah tidak semua bisa di bagi ya? Sekarang yang gw tau bagaimana rasanya menjadi orang yang "left behind"

Semoga kemarahan dan kekecewaan ini akan pergi dengan sendirinya. May he rest in peace up there. I'm not mad at anyone, I'm just mad of myself ... because I'm the last one to know about (well, even is only a bit) everything. Sad ... yes, but yea..something might happened on the way to heaven!

.. In memoriam (Barkah Boma Setiawan April, 25th 1977 - June, 10th 2010) .. ..

2010-06-14T10:51:00.005+07:00

The first time I saw this man I knew
There was something special inside of him
He awakened my passion and my curiosity
He was so sincere, I knew he'd be there for me

He gave me joy that I never knew
He was so dear to me
He'd help me get through the worse times in my life
I've shared my sadness , my pain, my strife

Whenever I dream the impossible dreams
He assured me that they would come true
He stayed in my corner no matter what life would bring
And I pledged my feeling for him and his family.

Thanks for being my best friend

Just like the rain falling to the ground
He washed away my doubts and turned my life around
He made everything good in my life that was bad
He's the greatest friend that I ever had

For he was my strength

Thanks for being my best friend

What did I give you in return for the hope that he gave me
Just ask and whatever you want
It will be, it will be

Once again thanks for being my best friend

(My bestfriend - Atlantic Starr)

.. angel's cry ..

2010-06-02T10:14:00.000+07:00

There’re lots of things out there. Fakes, doubters, liars, prophets, dreamers, lovers, fighters, believers… Everyone fits into a category. No matter what we may say, we all hate at least one person. No matter how we choose to feel, we will always love that one person who doesn’t love us back.

Regardless of supposed ignorance, we all know the truth. It’s this game of life. It’s this mystery. Now, I don’t know how to solve it. But by God, even if I have to battle a fucking dragon, I will get out alive. At least I can be myself!

.. each tears ..

2010-05-31T10:54:00.003+07:00

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous

.. choices ..

2010-05-27T20:43:00.001+07:00

“Everyone makes choices in life. Some bad, some Good. It’s called living, and if you want to bow out, then go right ahead. But don’t do it halfway. Don’t linger in whiner’s limbo.”

.. reality bites ..

2010-05-26T09:41:00.002+07:00

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

It's like everybody never understand about the truth, until it is too late, that the more we try to avoid suffering the more we suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture us in proportion to our fear of being hurt. I mean yes it feel safe when you can keep everything to yourself.

But, somehow it need to be said, or at least showing it off to certain people not to released the hidden feeling inside us, but just to share the feeling.

So, for today lesson I might say to myself “I will learn from myself, be my own student.”

.. me, myself and I ..

2010-05-24T09:48:00.002+07:00

"False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us the instant we cross into the shade"

It's true when people said that "true friends are hard to find" .. most of people will give their fullest attention when you are in the good condition, I mean when you have this, when you have that, when you own this when you own that...

But, when you loose some of it, only few people might stay. I just can't imagine if we loose all ... how many of them will stay and give you courage and support to face everything? NONE!

I've seen many people talk behind their friends back's whenever they feel pissed.. Yea yea.. I did that too, if I feel annoyed or intimidating by my friends. But, when the time is right I will throw it to my friends that I'm pissed before, but I control it by not leaving them behind me when they drowning.

For me, better to have few friends but with good quality, instead having lots of friends who always faking themselves in front of me. You will never guarantee what they might do to harm you behind your back. This kind of friends freaking me out.

Been with this kind of person many years ago. It's really freaking out, in front of me this person is acting like she's the sweetest friend, put her effort to be part of my "crowd" ... I always believe good people always have a fortune to sense when the bad people around. God give me that, even though I know for sure, I'm not that good thou. *evil grin*

Crying out loud over the phone, feel regret and ask for my forgiveness..while, a few second after she hang up the phone she's scolded me behind my back and throwing bad words over me. While I did nothing to confront or even defend myself over her. For me .. why bother. My level is way above her, I'm raised by parents who have high level of education and attitude, so I won't do anything stupid to disgrace it.

She never stop talking about many bullies, lies and all the hypocrite to against her
wrong doing over some people she might call "friends" all I can say it's sad to see her with her friends especially her parents who raised her with that kind of environment of hates and hypocrite.

That's why I keep saying to myself "I'M PROUD TO HAVE ENEMIES, IT SHOW I HAVE CHARACTERS"

... don't wait ...

2010-05-19T08:10:00.002+07:00

'It’s not me you should be worried about. There are bad people everywhere. Even here.'
'Eehhmm... let me guess. You’d protect me, right?'
'If it came down to that, I guess you can protect yourself.'

I have nothing to say on that, but he surprised me.

I believe there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on my face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all of my stories is always a story of it!
Because no matter how much a thing hurts, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

(my heart voice in the morning)

.. something missing ..

2010-05-17T14:50:00.003+07:00

It’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments in our lives while they’re happening. That we grow complacent with ideas or things or people, and we take them for granted, and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you, that you realize how wrong you’ve been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it.

I won't pray for an easy life. Perhaps, I might pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.

Even though I may want to move forward in my life, I may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, I must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain my old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding my back from a new life

.. dreamland ..

2010-05-11T16:52:00.003+07:00

" You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. " - Meredith Grey

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The prince charming, well, it may not be the one for you. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

.. ask your own heart ..

2010-05-11T15:52:00.002+07:00

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

Look upon a head, see through your back without turning back your head. Everything is waiting for you ahead not from your back.

.. stolen ..

2010-05-10T17:07:00.001+07:00

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

(... you have stolen my heart ...)

.. marvel ..

2010-04-20T10:18:00.000+07:00

Boy: Have I seen you before?
Girl: Me? I don’t think so.
Boy: Do you ever go to Tim Horton’s around that corner?
Girl: Yes… That’s like my favorite spot in the city.
Boy: Yeah, except for the parking lots.
Girl: Yeah, yeah I agree.
Boy: Yeah, yeah I think I’ve seen you there.
Girl: Really?
Boy: Yeah…
Girl: I haven’t seen you?
Boy: You must not have been looking…
Girl: … (speechless)

Next time I look back, I think I should look again.

.. wonder ..

2010-04-19T10:16:00.003+07:00

I'm talking to myself these days “What if he was meant to be, or could have been, someone important in my life? I think that’s what scares me: the randomness of everything. That the people who could be important to you might just pass you by. Or you pass them by. How do you know…I felt that by walking away I was abandoning them, that I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.”

But, then I remember some quote that I took from Kofi Annan “To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go and why you want to get there.”

I do understand, sometime people have to run first before they can make their first step to walk.

What can I say now to myself is " I should make this happens!" HAVE TOO!!

.. edify ..

2010-04-07T10:02:00.002+07:00

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

I did not remember that in school we learn how to be hypocrite, or did we learn about something how to back stab people?

Or perhaps we remember learning how to betrayed a friend or our spouse? how we talked about other people behind their back?

Maybe, we did learn the strategy how to be good in front of people and making fun of them behind their back.
Honestly, I did not remember any of them in my school thou. Did they got it from their school..

Wonder which school did they attend?

.. un-known ..

2010-03-25T09:39:00.001+07:00

“Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy, hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean or do things they can’t take back. Sometimes we do things we can’t take back. We’re all afraid of something.”

Tried to forgive and forget about everything, being bitter is something I did to ignore all the hurt, and betrayal that happened to me.

The clock is ticking, there wouldn't be any turning back in anything!

.. just stand up ..

2010-03-24T18:45:00.001+07:00

“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can’t learn anything from being perfect.” Adam Osborne

I made lots of mistakes, I tried to stand and facing all the mistakes that I've made. Tried to ignore all the regret I had.

Being perfect is the thing that I tried to ignore!

.. something to remember ..

2010-03-04T11:50:00.000+07:00

“A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. “Never leave that till tomorrow,” he said, “Which you can do today.” This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you make a mistake you can’t undo? Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true: that by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.”

.. twinge ..

2010-03-03T10:42:00.001+07:00

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

.. question ..

2010-03-03T10:32:00.001+07:00

Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?

Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone…truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”

-Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series-

.. livid ..

2010-01-06T16:49:00.001+07:00

MARAH sering kali mengakibatkan suasana yang tidak enak. Salah satu sifat emosi ini tak perlu dihindari, tetapi Anda harus berusaha untuk meredamnya.

Siapa pun pasti pernah marah. Setiap orang memiliki cara berbeda untuk melampiaskan satu bentuk emosi ini. Ada yang dipendam, ada pula yang diumbar tanpa kontrol. Yang pasti, semuanya sama-sama meninggalkan jejaknya pada tubuh kita. Disadari atau tidak,pada akhirnya akan menimbulkan suasana yang kurang menyenangkan (tidak harmonis) di sekelilingnya.

Ahli kejiwaan dari Rumah Sakit Sahid, Jakarta, Dr Sylvia Detri Elvira SpKJ (K) menjelaskan bahwa kemarahan merupakan salah satu dampak yang terjadi akibat mengalami berbagai macam fenomena, antara lain kekerasan, kebencian, peperangan, dan agresivitas. "Kemarahan juga sangat berhubungan dengan masa lalu seseorang atau adanya trauma pada masa lalu,"tandasnya.

Sylvia menuturkan, kemarahan merupakan salah satu bentuk perasaan yang dialami setiap orang, dimulai sejak bayi sampai pada orang yang sudah lanjut usia. "Perasaan ini merupakan emosi dasar yang dialami semua orang,tak terbatasi oleh budaya,"tutur dokter yang juga praktik di RSCM ini. Kemarahan juga bisa dikatakan sebagai suatu perilaku, sebagai salah satu bentuk emosi, juga sebagai pengalaman. Sylvia menuturkan, kemarahan merupakan suatu perasaan yang menggebu atau emosi ketidaknyamanan, yang dipicu oleh luka hati yang nyata atau khayal, atau oleh suatu penghinaan.

Kemarahan biasanya dialami oleh suatu kondisi afektif yang dihayati sebagai suatu motivasi untuk melakukan sesuatu yang memperingatkan, mengintimidasi, atau merupakan suatu serangan terhadap ancaman atau tantangan. Dan juga merupakan bagian dorongan agresif, yang dapat diekspresikan sebagai letupan emosi, yang kemudian dapat berkurang kadarnya, pascapengekspresiannya tersebut.

"Kemarahan dapat pula diekspresikan secara tidak langsung. Di mana perbedaan yang cukup besar terlihat pada budaya Barat dan Timur meskipun ada pula pengecualian, di mana budaya Barat lebih bisa mengekspresikan rasa kemarahan," jelasnya.

Selain itu, kemarahan dapat membuat seseorang menjadi waspada terhadap ketidakadilan, frustrasi, tekanan dari lingkungan, dan dapat mengarahkan perilaku untuk mengoreksi, atau mengeliminasi situasi yang mengganggu rasa sejahtera. Juga dapat berfungsi sebagai adaptasi dan komunikasi dalam membawa atau memfasilitasi pemenuhan kebutuhan
seseorang.

"Bila seseorang tidak mengungkapkan kemarahannya, maka yang terjadi adalah sikap apatis, yaitu salah satu bentuk ekspresi kemarahan," tutur dokter lulusan Universitas Indonesia ini.

Kekecewaan dan atau kemarahan adalah hal yang tidak terhindarkan dalam sebuah hubungan. Kemarahan bisa tertuju kepada pihak lain atau kepada diri sendiri. Dari adanya rasa kemarahan ini, maka ada baiknya agar kemarahan itu sebaiknya dikelola.

Psikiater dari Sanatorium Dharmawangsa Mental Health Clinic, Dr Heriani SpKJ (K), menuturkan, amarah merupakan ekspresi efektif normal manusia di samping gembira, sedih, kesal, kecewa, cemas atau takut. "Sumber kemarahan adalah pikiran atau persepsi akan suatu situasi," ujar psikiater dari Departemen Psikiatri FKUI ini.

Dalam kehidupan perkawinan, rasa kemarahan itu bisa saja muncul karena rasa kekecewaan, ketidakpuasan, dan lain-lainnya. Perselingkuhan misalnya, rasa ketidaksetiaan yang dilakukan salah satu pasangan, maka akan memancing rasa marah dari pasangan lain. "Meredam kemarahan bisa dilakukan dengan beberapa langkah di antaranya dengan relaksasi," paparnya.

Dijelaskan Heriani, teknik relaksasi bisa dilakukan selama 10-15 menit dengan melakukan pengaturan napas yang dilakukan secara perlahan atau dengan membayangkan suasana yang menenteramkan. "Bisa juga dengan mengganti pikiran negatif menjadi positif secara otomatis, misal? mungkin dia terlambat pulang karena macet dan HP-nya low batt'," ucapnya.

Atau bisa juga mengalihkan rasa kemarahan dengan menyibukkan diri sendiri untuk melakukan kegiatan lain. Walaupun kemarahan ini bersifat manusiawi, jika amarah yang terjadi membawa dampak negatif terutama dalam hubungan rumah tangga, maka yang seharusnya dilakukan adalah dengan menyikapi kemarahan dan jangan pernah untuk menghindari rasa kemarahan.

.. keeper ..

2009-06-29T09:35:00.002+07:00

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for the one available.
Best to wait for the one you love than one who's around.
Best to wait for the right one because life's too short to be wasted on just someone.

"An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.

Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other?

What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

What keeps a relationship strong?
* communication
* intimacy
* a sense of humor
* sharing household tasks
* some getaway time without business or children
* daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a
note)
* sharing common goals and interests
* giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure
* giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment (and stick to it!)

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion.
"As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful."

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

.. beautiful liar ..

2009-06-23T18:37:00.002+07:00

Nobody likes being played

I know things about 'em that you wouldn't wanna read about
Beautiful Liar, tell me how you tolerate the things that you just found out about

You never know why are we the ones who suffer
I have to let go he won't be the one to cry

Let's not kill the karma
Let's not start a fight
It's not worth the drama
For a beautiful liar
Can't we laugh about it
It's not worth our time
We can live without 'em
Just a beautiful liar

I trusted him, but when I followed you, I saw you together I didn't know about you then 'till I saw you with her
I walked in on your love scene, slow dancing
You stole everything, how can you say I did you wrong .. how come?

You never know when the pain and heartbreak's over
I have to let go the innocence is gone

Tell me how to forgive you when it's me who's ashamed and I wish could free you
Of the hurt and the pain; But the answer is simple he's the one to blame

(Beyonce Knowles)

.. single ladies ..

2009-06-23T16:06:00.002+07:00

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream
I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream

To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight

I need your break when nobody is around
'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness
I think I'm drowning, I can't be lonely

(Scared of Lonely - Beyonce Knowles)

.. sham ..

2009-05-28T12:28:00.003+07:00

" A friend once told me, a relationship without honesty would not enjoy freedom. It would eventually sour. "

" Overcome of your misgiving and you'll experience openness and freedom. "

" There's a broad definition for honesty and lie, it just has to be understood by a single meaning. "

Thing have started changing, but I don't want to think about it. I just want to cherish this moment. Even though friendship is already abandoned by a girl.

.. battlefield ..

2009-05-15T15:46:00.001+07:00

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love and suddenly
It's like a battle-field
One word turns into a
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
These times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like ...
a battlefield
Why does love always feel like ...
this

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender
then we both gonna lose what we had,
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
these times when we climb so fast to fall again

I don't wanna fall for it now
I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

You better go and get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like

A battlefield

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know What we're fighting for

.. vicinity ..

2009-05-05T11:18:00.002+07:00

" I hate to see you like this. "
" Gw gpp kok, get used with this kind of feeling. "

Sahabat yang selalu ada, dan datang di saat yang emang tepat. Teman kecil yang datang dan pergi, selalu datang di saat gw gak pernah berharap dia akan datang. Lalu, dia akan pergi ketika gw sendiri gak tau kapan dia pamitan.

" Inget gak waktu gw baru putus sama cewek gw? Yang gw impulsively pergi ke Bandung dan pas sampe Cipularang km 55 gw gak bisa nyetir lagi? "
" Iya tuh .. makanya gw setiap lewat cipularang km 55 itu kaya dejavu gitu, yang gw di anterin ke sana itu kan? "
" Padahal waktu itu loe lagi pacaran kan? "
" Hahaha "

Gw tertawa lepas ketika itu, rasanya udah lama banget gw gak bisa tertawa lepas di depan orang-orang. Tertawa bisa gw lakukan, tetapi tidak selepas sekarang.

" You always spare your time for most of your friends. No matter what no matter how, you're always there; your presence is very comforting for all of your friends. "
" No lah .. Gw hanya berusaha menjadi orang baik utk orang yang baik juga dalam hidup gw. You know my motto kan? What goes around comes around. "
" Tapi sekarang ini, kebanyakan orang-orang di sekitar loe memanfaatkan kebaikan yang sudah loe perlihatkan, they abused your kindness. "
" Gw gak merasa di abuse kok, ya kadang kan ekspektasi orang gak bisa kita kendalikan. Is beyond our capacity to control others people mind. "
" Tapi kan setidak orang-orang baru disekitar loe bisa melihat dan bisa membaca, kalo loe bukan type teman yang opportunist. "
" Hahaha " tertawa getir yang keluar dari mulut gw.

Orang ini yang selalu memberikan masukan pedas dan sinis setiap kali dia muncul di depan gw. Sosok ini yang selalu "menampar" gw tanpa di minta, dia yang gak pernah cape "menendang" gw ketika gw sudah malas melangkah, dan "menarik" gw ketika gw tertidur di setiap effort yang gw lakuin di hidup gw.

" Ya kalo orang mau jahat sama gw, ya biarin aja. Artinya emang dari awal dia main sama gw kan udah ada niat jahat? Nah, kalo niatan itu udah ada masa iya bisa gw baca dari awal sih? "
" Ya gak gitu juga, loe harus lebih sensitif melihat sisi opportunist orang dong. Jangan naive melihat segala sesuatu dari kacamata positif. "
" Duuhh.. hidup itu kan ya udah banyak masalah dan konflik, kalo masih harus mikir negatif sama semua yang main sama gw, hidup gw tersiksa banget gak? "
" Gak harus negatif tp waspada sama sekeliling. Loe kadang suka gak bisa ngebaca itu. "
" Ya kan dari sekian banyak orang yang main sama gw, paling hanya satu dua orang yang opportunist kan? Nah, ntaran juga akan keliatan kok mana yang bisa gw keep dan mana yang harus gw ditch dari lingkungan gw kan? "
" Lucky you, you have that sense. "
" Bukan gitu, bukan sixth sense yang gw punya, tp gw yakin Tuhan gak mau gw di kelilingi orang-orang jahat. "
" Agreed! "

As for me .. Good people, bad people they all my friends! I do believe even bad people still got the good in them, because God create Good People not bad people in this world. The things that turned them to be a bad people because of the pressure, experience, and also the incidents that happened in their life!

I'm not blaming anyone who treat me bad, I just keep the pray the good in them will bring them back to be a good people. People do change, so am I!

.. banter ..

2009-04-28T10:24:00.001+07:00

BG: You've fallen for him.

SB: I know .. I realized it a long time ago. I also realized the truth, but I refused to face reality.

BG: Why don't you counter him for what he did to you? Breaking his promises, used you and betraying for his own sake?

SB: Well, I always know that love is selfish. When I worked so hard for him, he feel pain too.But, I'm not going to blame anyone for this matters. In fact, I should thankful to that girls, if that girls hadn't spurred me on and given me a chance to work hard for him, perhaps I won't accepted my fate, show my calmness and give up.

BG: But, you've been improving to show that you care.

SB: There's only one thing that could win him over, and that thing I can't do. I won't do it for any reasons.

BG: You are what you are. That's what we like from you, no matter what you still keep that value in you!

SB: It's because I have such a friend like you guys! Thank you, guys!

(UnderGround SUSHI - April, 27th: 19.25wib - 21.40wib)

.. falling ..

2009-04-24T11:54:00.001+07:00

Feels like my life's been passing by
With happiness just being a lie
How did I get here, where am I going?
One more day without knowing
Struggling for one more breath
As I'm drowning in a painful death
Can someone reach out for me?
In this dark and dreary sea

'Cause it seems like no one can
Hear the voice that's calling
Try to take the most I can stand
But I keep falling

I try to chase the memories away
But they haunt me everyday
I hope I get over this phase
'Cause I'm stuck inside this haze
All I need is a simple lift
Such a sweet and precious gift
So I don't lose it all before
What I have left is nothing more

In my isolating misery
I feel like the epitome
Of darkness and despair
Just leading onto nowhere
Will I be able to win this race?
I'm running at a slow pace
Trying hard to press on
But the motivation's gone

It may not have to be this way
Waiting for me they could be a new day
Maybe I can revise
And escape from the lies

There could be something more
To what my life may have in store
I'll move from where I began
Keep on pressing through to the end

.. lie ..

2009-04-21T14:16:00.002+07:00

You whispered that you were getting tired
Got a look in your eye
Looks a lot like goodbye.
Hold on to your secrets tonight.
Don't want to know ... I'm ok with this silence
It's truth that i don't want to hear.

You're hiding regret in your smile
There's a storm in your eyes that's been passing for awhile
Hold on with all the lies and fake stories for tonight
Don't say a word
I'm ok with the quiet.
The truth is gonna change everything.

So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
I'll make it through
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
Look me in the eye
And if you dare lie to me.

I know that there's no turning back.
If we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks.
Let's stay in the dark if you want too.
Don't want to know I'm ok with the silence.
It's truth that i don't want to hear.

Now look me in the eye .. and LIE!

Don't want to believe in this ending
Let the cameras roll on
Keep pretending
Tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away.

So lie to me by looking me in the eye
Why lie..lie...lie..

I've been dealing with those lies all the time
So, why bother with those lies again ..
But this time lie to me by looking straight in my eyes!